tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80246609637537006732024-03-05T04:47:37.658-07:00A Single CellThis blog will share monthly or more regular posts about cancer from a singles perspective. The themes are often universal - the perspective, one single woman dealing with cancer. New posts at: www.IAMTracyMaxwell.comA Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.comBlogger46125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-33001800315019965052013-10-27T07:22:00.000-06:002013-10-27T07:23:56.018-06:00Faith <style>
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I grew up in the Bible belt in a family that wasn’t
religious. Setting aside the inherent difficulties in that, I always associated
faith with religion, and didn’t think it had much of a place in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though I still don’t consider myself
religious, I am deeply spiritual, and becoming more so each day. Last spring, I
began to focus on the role of faith in my life, and I to really trust in
something bigger than myself more fervently than I have before.
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Though I have always been a positive and hopeful person,
there was a sort of block when it came to faith. I wanted evidence before I
could trust. I believed that science and faith were at odds with each other,
and that faith required a suspension of reason. I wanted to believe some of the
things I was reading and hearing about the nature of the universe and the
metaphysical, but I was skeptical and sometimes even cynical. </div>
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I now see that they are actually intertwined, and there have
been a number of scientific studies that have proven the power of faith such as
those that confirmed the healing power of prayer. Quantum physics is gaining
traction as an explanation of how our thoughts affect our physical surroundings
and circumstances. And while his experiments have been criticized as
unscientific, <a href="http://www.masaru-emoto.net/english/" target="_blank">Masaru Emoto</a>, demonstrated that human consciousness has an effect
on the molecular structure of water. </div>
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His experiments involved exposing water samples to concentrated
thoughts of either a positive or a negative nature. Thoughts such as “you make
me sick,” “I hate you,” etc. were juxtaposed with loving and positive thoughts.
Water frozen and examined under a microscope showed incomplete, malformed and
distorted crystals from the negative thoughts and beautiful, symmetrical,
colorful patterns from the positive ones. </div>
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In March, I participated in a program for young adult cancer
survivors in Hawaii. This surf camp asked us to choose a camp name that
represented our power, and I chose Kale‘le’, which means “to have faith” in
Hawaiian. I chose this, not because I already had an abundance of faith, but
because I was seeking to foster more of it in my life. For a few months now, I
have awoken to a sign above my bed that reads, “I trust that I will be taken
care of.” And I really do. </div>
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In the past, I worried a great deal. I didn’t necessarily
express my worries to others, but internally, I was always focused on what was
“wrong,” and on the problems in my life. Now, I choose to focus on the
positives instead. It’s a subtle shift with profound implications. The circumstances
of my life haven’t changed dramatically, but my inner state about them has. I
am much calmer, more peaceful, grateful, and loving in my thoughts. </div>
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I have often viewed religion as a sort of crutch, giving the
faithful a certainty that was comforting, no doubt, but provided little basis
in reality. Sure, it was helpful in getting through day-to-day life, but wasn’t
it also folly of a sort to believe in something for which there was no
evidence? Now I see that there is no downside to faith. If we believe in something
bigger than ourselves and are wrong, we’ve lost nothing, but if that belief
gives us comfort in life, we’ve gained a great deal. </div>
A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-94181206294398682013-05-26T08:30:00.000-06:002013-05-26T08:31:29.041-06:00Spring Cleaning<style>
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Every spring I seem to experience a slump. I don’t know how
else to describe it. Cocooning maybe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I travel a ton for work, and to visit friends and family around the
country, and it is usually following a long spate of travel that I come home,
have some down time, and feel the strong urge to wear yoga pants all day and
not leave the house. This usually looks like hours of watching old episodes of
a favorite tv show, or reading the stack of books piled next to my bed.
Sometimes I even manifest an illness to give me an excuse to lay around all
day. I don’t want to see friends or talk on the phone. I don’t want to cook. I
want to eat ice cream and take long baths. </div>
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For most of May, I have been in full-on slump mode. A bad
cold kept me in bed for much of a recent weekend, and though I rallied to get
those things done that needed to be, including a trip to Vegas to speak to
young adult cancer survivors, and some pressing work and writing projects, I
have also spent long hours on the sofa playing solitaire on my phone while
watching television. I saw two movies in one week, and did a lot of laundry and
organizing. These are all clearly avoidance tactics. </div>
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My book deadline is looming, and as this is my third draft,
I am feeling a fair amount of pressure to get it right this time, and a bit
overwhelmed by what it will entail to do that. I should be writing, and I guess
technically I am (though this isn’t my book), but I’m slumping instead. I have
forced myself to do a bit of clean-up editing and some outlining of the last
three chapters, but it’s not the productive chapter a day schedule that I
managed when I was in Hawaii a month ago. </div>
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It is so rare for me to have two weekends in one month not
only in town, but with little on the calendar, and I should be making the most
of them. Here’s the thing. . . maybe I am. Maybe slumping is what I need right
now to re-energize. Maybe indulging my laziness during some rare downtime
shouldn’t produce guilt, but relaxation instead. Maybe I need some mindless
activity for a while so I can focus and write later. </div>
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My chiropractor was adjusting me this week and he did some
energy clearing as well, which he has never really done before. I’m not sure
what prompted it, but one of the things he cleared was around this very issue.
He asked me to repeat the following phrase over and over again while he did
some work, until he felt it was cleared: “I am a good person, and I deserve
some time for myself.” </div>
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The first time I could barely say it because I was choked
up, crying with the realization that I really always feel as if I need to be
productive in some way. This has always been true for me, but it has become a
more pressing feeling since I began working for myself. When I had a job, I
could often leave work at work and enjoy my time away including weekends, but
now it sometimes feels as I am never off. The pressure I put on myself to do
more, write more, read more, know more and produce more is always there. </div>
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Maybe that’s why spring cleaning exists. We clean our homes
to get ready for summer, and we should clean out old, limiting beliefs as well.
I AM a good person, and I DO deserve some time for myself, even when a book
deadline is looming, a new business is being started, and a six month
consulting contract is drawing to a close making a new source of income
somewhat pressing. If I don’t take time for me, I will be useless to complete
any of those other items as well. </div>
A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-83719357979303075662013-04-01T12:18:00.000-06:002013-04-02T11:36:44.021-06:00Ohana<style>
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<br />
A cool breeze rifles my hair from the hammock under the
vanilla tree just steps from the aqua blue waters of the Pacific ocean off the
coast of Maui. A week ago I arrived as a newcomer to this island, and a
stranger to the fourteen other cancer survivors who shared this special place
with me. Now we, as well as the staff and other teachers we have had the good
fortune to interact with this week are ohana – “family” in Hawaiian.
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This incredible experience was provided to us through an
organization called <a href="http://athletes4cancer.org/" target="_blank">Athletes for Cancer</a> whose
mission is to enrich lives impacted by cancer through the healing power of the
elements and the tenacity of the human spirit. They fulfill that mission with
surfing, stand up paddle boarding and snowboarding camps for cancer survivors
in Hawaii and Hood River, Oregon. Camp Koru is healing in so many ways. At the
outset, just the connection with the incredible beauty of this place and its
natural wonders: the water, fragrant flowering plants and the towering volcanic
peaks provide a sense of peace not readily available in the fast-pace of the
mainland. </div>
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For some, just being in the ocean was a new experience that
required them to overcome a fear of the unknown. For others, sharing their
story for the first time with other survivors was an opportunity to connect
with those who have been there. Putting words to an experience that engenders
such turbulent emotions is not always easy, but definitely feels safer with
someone who has walked a mile in your shoes. With our scars, buckets of meds
and all their assorted side effects, sometimes unusual diets, prosthetic and
missing parts, not to mention the emotional impacts of facing your own
mortality, we can sometimes feel like misfits among the general population. But
here, we are just like everyone else, or even realize perhaps that we didn’t
have it so bad, after all.<br />
<br />
As it is <a href="http://thegrouproom.tv/national-young-adult-cancer-awareness-week/2012/03/12/?utm_source=11th%2BAnnual%2BNational%2BYoung%2BAdult%2BCancer%2BAwareness%2BWeek%2B2013&utm_campaign=NYACAW%2B2013&utm_medium=email" target="_blank">National Young Adult Cancer Awareness Week</a> (April 1-7) it is appropriate to reflect on how far we've come. Thirty, or even twenty, years ago, there were no services for young adults with cancer, and probably most oncologists wouldn't even recognize that young adults got cancer at all. Now, there are a number of programs, camps and other services for those of us diagnosed between the ages of 18 and 40. </div>
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The natural world has always been healing for me, the water
especially. Just hearing the waves lapping against the shore as I drifted to
sleep at night soothed my soul. Returning to camp each evening after surfing
and paddling all morning and hiking or exploring coastal towns in the afternoon
with aching muscles and a kind of satisfying weariness made sleep welcome and
easy despite less than luxurious, though completely adequate, accommodations.
The food, however, was world-class. As someone with a really healthy diet, I
always give a fairly significant amount of thought to what and where I’m going
to eat. It was so great to have incredible, gluten-free, veggie-laden meals
with vegan options prepared for us each day by an amazing chef who volunteers
his services for the camps. </div>
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Excited to paddle an outrigger canoe, I had no idea how much
the blessing and Hawaiian ceremony conducted by a native before and after our
paddle would impact me. With tears streaming down my face, I listened to the
prayers in wonder even though I didn’t fully understand their meaning.
Kimokeo’s presence alone was so powerful, and his chants, songs and blessings
filled me with hope and peace. </div>
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I came to Hawaii to rest, and to learn to trust. We were
each tasked with choosing a power name for ourselves during camp, and I choose
Kale`le`, which means “to have faith” in Hawaiian. At the beginning of the
year, I left my job of five years with a nonprofit I founded in order to serve
single cancer survivors. Even though I have accepted the fact that I am a
“starter,” it is still scary to take the risk to start something new, again. A
six-month consulting gig ends in June, and I don’t know where my income will
come from after that or how much it will be or what my work will look like. </div>
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An intuitive told me once that I was like a dolphin (an
animal I have strongly identified with) confident that there would always be
more fish. I haven’t quite been able to embrace that philosophy yet as fear of
having enough money and being able to pay for my health insurance is ever
present. Coupled with that is the fact that I am currently in the middle of a
recurrence of ovarian cancer with six masses in my abdomen that aren’t causing
any problems yet, but could at any time, requiring surgery. It definitely
requires all my trust and faith that things will work out, that I will land on
my feet, that I will have the opportunity to make a difference and serve single
survivors while supporting myself in the process. </div>
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Kalele.</div>
A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-62905233084533428712013-01-06T13:54:00.000-07:002013-01-06T13:55:09.619-07:00Alone<style>
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Sobbing uncontrollably, I began to take stock of everything
I was dealing with. Why did it all have to implode at the same time, I wondered?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could handle one at a time, I
thought, but financial, relationship, work and health problems all at once just
seemed like too much. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Within two
days, it felt as if my entire life had completely fallen apart: medical bills,
health issues, relationship trauma and work frustrations all days after
receiving my final paycheck from the nonprofit I founded five years ago. </div>
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I was stuck, and I couldn’t see a way out on my own, so I
reached out for coaching from my friend Mike who helped me distinguish the underlying
story. I really get that it isn’t the circumstances in our lives that cause us
upset, it is the story we make up about them. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mine is this: when things go wrong, or right, when I am in
despair or when I want to celebrate, I feel really alone. This doesn’t show up
for me as a story though. It is REAL. I AM alone. This time, I saw even more to
this story: the thought that I will always be alone, and that I will have only
myself to rely on. </div>
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Bringing the story to the surface helped me see exactly how
much it had been running the show for so long. When things go wrong, I have a
fantasy that it would be easier to deal with if I had a partner. Financial
catastrophe wouldn’t be so bad with another income to fall back on. Health
scares would be easier with someone there to hold my hand or give me a hug. My
work life is so difficult because I am a one-woman show and don’t have support.
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Distinguishing the story, lessened its impact on me. I
recognized immediately that it wasn’t in any way true. I am NOT alone. Within
the first hour of my crisis, three people in my life gave me significant
support. They all dropped whatever they were doing to come to my aid, and what
they provided made a huge difference for me. After 48 hours of breakdowns, I
had a breakthrough, and regained power over my circumstances. </div>
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Later that week, I received results from the ultrasound my
oncologist ordered when I experienced some distressing symptoms. I had expected
to hear from him on Thursday as the technician told me she would send the
results to him that day. Instead, I got them on Saturday at exactly the right
time, in exactly the right place for me to deal with them powerfully. Are you
aware of divine timing in your own life? </div>
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I was in Atlanta for a leadership program when my oncologist
left me a voicemail that the two masses we’d been watching for a year were both
still there, and one had grown somewhat significantly. Additionally, he said,
there are four new masses since my last ultrasound six months before. This call
came just before the dinner break, and I was trying to figure out how I was
going to find a group to go to dinner with and find some privacy to talk with
my doctor at the same time. I was talking to the program leader, and dealing
with my own emotions about the news when my friend walked up behind me. I was
staying with him for the weekend since we were both in the same program, but I
thought he had already left for dinner. This was perfect. </div>
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“He will take care of me,” I told the leader. I didn’t know
just how true that statement was when I made it. Shaun is studying to be a
chiropractor, and has a brother who is a cancer survivor. He introduced me to
his friend Dee, an energy healer and shaman who was planning to spend the
dinner break with him. Wow! I was with the perfect two people! I explained what
was going on, and these two amazing healers provided just the support I needed.
</div>
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I want to back up a minute to explain that I believe
strongly that every ache, pain, disease and malfunction in our bodies is preceeded
by an emotional trigger. I first discovered this when a seriously stiff neck
led a friend to recommend Louise Hay’s book <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You
Can Heal Your Life</i>. Rigidity was associated with neck pain, according to
the book. When it asked, “who is being a pain in your neck?,” I knew exactly
what the problem was. When I spoke to the “pain in my neck” and apologized for
my inflexibility, my pain went away, and it hasn’t come back. </div>
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I know from this book that cancer is correlated with a deep
hurt or resentment, and I had been looking for a few years to uncover what this
might be for me. It wasn’t in any way obvious. I don’t have any serious trauma
in my past. I had a happy childhood, supportive friends, a great life, really.
I have struggled with my finances for as long as I could remember, so I
wondered briefly if it might have something to do with that, but it didn’t really
resonate. </div>
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So, as I was sitting between Dee and Shaun and receiving
healing energy from them both, Dee asked, “What is the hurt?” I told her I had
been trying to figure this out, and it just wasn’t revealing itself to me. Her
intuition told her it had something to do with the fact that I couldn’t have
kids. I immediately shot that down, because while it was true that I had a
hysterectomy and couldn’t now have kids (Dee did not know this, by the way), I
had never wanted kids, so that couldn’t be it. </div>
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We kept exploring. She asked questions that came to her. I
cried a lot, and answered them as best I could. Suddenly, it hit me. This was
tied to the story I had distinguished earlier in the week – it was about being
alone! While I never felt the pressure of a biological clock, and refused when
my oncologist suggested we freeze some eggs when I was diagnosed with ovarian
cancer at age 36; I always thought someday, I would meet an amazing man, and I
would want to have HIS kids. This wasn’t about whether or not I wanted kids,
but that now, that option wasn’t available to me. Even if the amazing man
showed up, I couldn’t have his children. Again, seeing the story allowed me the
opportunity to release it, and the deep hurt and resentment that came along
with it. </div>
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Is it any surprise that of all the aspects of having cancer
I could have chosen to write about in this blog, I have focused on being
single? Feeling alone is clearly the central theme for me. It is likely the
deep hurt that triggered my illness to begin with, and it is the area I have
chosen to focus on providing support for others. It is incredible to me that it
could have remained hidden for so long, but it was revealed exactly at the time
it needed to be. I am at a crucial point with my book about being single with
cancer, and it is obvious to me now that I must write more about this. I know
I’m not alone in feeling alone, and I am hopeful that my own revelations will
help others heal as well. </div>
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A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-88802413740266393482012-11-06T09:15:00.001-07:002013-05-26T08:34:23.374-06:00Busy<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">Forgive me for the radio silence
since May. I've been busy - ha! You'll get the joke when you read this
month's post. Actually, I intentionally took some time off to finish my
book, which incidentally, is based on this blog. A publisher discovered
it a year ago and offered me a book deal, and the final draft is due a
week from yesterday, so I will be getting back to regular blogging again
soon. Watch for <i>My Dance With Cancer: A Solo Survivor's Guide to Life, Love, Health <span style="font-size: small;">&</span> Happiness</i> in bookstores this spring.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">Several years ago when I worked on a college campus, I had
the kind of schedule that revolved largely around students. I would regularly
find myself still on campus following a meeting at 10 p.m., or coming in on a
Sunday afternoon. At the time, I was a young professional, and didn’t think
much about this schedule and the impact it had on my life – or my social life.
I was doing what most student affairs administrators do, and it didn’t seem
possible to ask the students to change their meetings to a time that was more
convenient for me if they wanted me to be there. I was a little bit afraid the
threat would be empty because they might be happier if I weren’t there. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">I used to keep track of how many hours I worked each day in
my calendar, and some days, I’m embarrassed to admit, the number 16 was
circled. Often I would log 60-70 hours a week, and not even find it unusual. At
a staff meeting one day I realized we were all unconsciously one-upping one
another with how many hours we’d been on campus that week, and it was a serious
wake-up call for me. “Are we really competing for who has the worst work-life
balance,” I thought?</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">These days I have a much better work-life balance, and
rarely work more than 40 hours a week. For the past several years, I have
worked mostly from home as well, which allows for a good deal of flexibility.
It is only in the past year that I have been back in an office, and there have
been both pros and cons to adding that kind of structure back into my day. Con
= commute time, which though short, seems like a waste when I could have been
at my desk already for 45 minutes if I were home. Pro = being around other
people and getting to interact throughout the day. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">Even though my work-life balance with my job is better, it
still hasn’t improved my social life a great deal because I’ve found plenty of
other things to fill my time, including a part-time job as a river guide, a
board position with a local nonprofit, a new career as a college speaker and a
book deal that requires me to produce a book by a deadline that is inching ever
closer. I distinguished recently how much I complain about being busy. Several
years ago I told my boss I was overwhelmed, and he replied, “You’re always
overwhelmed.” He was right. I live in this world of, “I have too much to do.” </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">This is what I’ve gotten present to lately. We ALL have too
much to do, ALL the time. I’m not unique or special in that regard. That I allow it to overwhelm me is my
issue, and I’m sure other people are sick to death of hearing about it. I know
I am sick of saying it. So I have started telling people in my life they have
permission to call me on it when they hear those words come out of my mouth.
It’s just not interesting to share for the millionth time how busy I am. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">The truth is I love my life, and I’m exhilarated by what I
am up to in the world. I wouldn’t have it any other way! While I often think it
would be great to have some more down time to take a walk, see a movie or read
a book, I would be bored to tears sitting in front of a television or hanging
out at home all the time. I know what I need to feel healthy and happy, and
when I don’t give myself at least one weekend at home each month (as is the
case for most of this fall), I know I will feel the consequences of that. I also know that if I push it too far, I
will get sick (my body’s way of telling me “enough is enough, rest already.”).</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">The biggest potential negative of my hectic life is that I
don’t always take time for dating. I tend to find time to be with friends, but
not always for romance. This is a convenient excuse for why I’m 42 and still
single, but it doesn’t bode well for having someone special if I don’t have any
time to meet someone much less build a relationship. This is one reason for
being intentional about leaving time in my schedule for what is really
important to me, and actually scheduling those things first before the hours,
days and weeks get filled with the uninspiring. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">I also know when I have too much “down time,” I tend to
waste more time. I finally had a weekend off after several weeks of travel and
commitments, and I did next to nothing. I spent much of the weekend on the
couch, and watched a lot of television. I also spent some time with friends and
had some fun, caught up on a few chores around the house, and did some laundry.
I think these sluggish weekends are necessary from time to time, but they
aren’t particularly satisfying. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">Having a lot to do helps me get more done, and keeps me on
my toes. There have been times in my life when I spent a great deal of time at
home, alone, reading, writing letters and being introspective, and now I tend
much more toward being with friends, jetting around the country for work or
fun, participating in programs and contributing to some amazing causes with my
time and talents. This is much more satisfying, and if that means that busy is
a permanent descriptor of my life, I’m ok with that. </span></span></div>
A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-77755428709784851162012-05-09T19:44:00.000-06:002012-05-09T19:44:11.958-06:00Relationship<style>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
The past few months have opened my eyes to so many patterns
in my romantic relationships that have held me back for years. Through reading,
seminars, courses and coaching, I have begun to see the myriad of ways that I
keep myself from experiencing true connection and love. What a gift it has been
to recognize these patterns, so I can begin breaking them. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Control vs. Surrender</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ask anyone who knows me and I’m sure they’ll tell you I like
to be in control, and believe it or not, I was totally unconscious of this
until recently. I think all of us have control issues to some extent, but I
really didn’t know how far mine extended and how much it affected my
relationships. Wanting to be in control is one way that we unconsciously try to
protect ourselves. This can manifest as controlling your emotions, what your
dates are like (where you go, what you eat, how it will all play out and when
they will take place), and perhaps even planning out the entire relationship.
Have you ever thought about<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>what
kind of cake you’ll have at your wedding before the second date?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While I don’t think I was quite that bad, I see now how my
need for control held me back from allowing myself to be vulnerable. Being open
and sharing is key to intimacy, and I complained constantly about the lack of
intimacy in my relationships – always blaming the men for not being more open,
of course. I can see now that I wasn’t very open in a true sense either, always
putting my best face forward, and not sharing my fears and failures. (See more
on this below in the vulnerability and authenticity section.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We not only try to control ourselves, but our partners as
well. We see all the things they are doing “wrong,” and genuinely want to help
them. When we point out these issues and offer “advice” though, we come off as
nags, and send the message that our guy isn’t good enough. This does not make
for good romance. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Laura Doyle shares in her book <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Surrendered Single</i>, what we all already know if we just think
about it for a minute. Our guys want us to be happy. They will do quite a bit
to insure our happiness. We don’t have to manipulate or control to get what we
want. We just have to ASK. Why is this so hard? Men have been lamenting for
years that they can’t in fact, read our minds. We get upset when they don’t do
what we want – no wonder they’re frustrated – how about we just try asking. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Independence</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Have you ever heard that men need to be needed? I’m guessing
you have. This has been a big one for me to really get. I have male friends who
would rather I call them than a plumber when I have a problem with my toilet or
sink. This is so difficult for me to understand. I feel like a total burden
when asking for help with stuff around the house, and don’t feel as if I can
ask my friends, especially if I haven’t seen them for a while. They, on the
other hand, love to help out whether it’s a ride to the airport or help with
the dripping sink in the bathroom, and are usually not just available to do so,
but thrilled to be able to be helpful. Wow! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am now recognizing how my independent, “I can do it
myself” attitude occurs for men, whether they are strangers or friends. They
want to help and when they offer and I don’t accept they are actually
emasculated. Really?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since
realizing this, I am super conscious of accepting offers of help from men. It
doesn’t mean they see me as weak and incapable of doing it myself, as I might
have previously misunderstood. Put that heavy bag in the overhead for me, sure.
Carry that box to the car, absolutely! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Independence is one of my strong suits – practices I use to
get me through difficult times in my life. Adopting an independent attitude has
served me well for many years in a variety of ways, but it has not helped in
the romance department.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If men
need to be needed and I don’t need any help, thank you very much, then where
does that leave me? You guessed it. Sitting home alone on Saturday night. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Giving & Receiving</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ok, this is another imbalance that has left me scratching my
head for years. I am a super giving person and a two on the Enneagram. That
means I will often put others’ needs before my own. This should make me the
best girlfriend in the world, right? Hmmm. . . maybe not. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Turns out being a good receiver is pretty important too, and
receiving is a feminine trait. Think about the physicality of sex for a moment:
men give and women receive. Aha! Except I was always giving and actively
deflecting receiving because of my personality type, independent streak and
unwillingness to ask for help. Yikes! This obviously didn’t bode well for
male/female relations. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Does this mean I shouldn’t ever give anything in a
relationship? Of course not. I just have to maintain a balance and allow myself
to receive more, while also perhaps giving a bit less. Giving to get people to
like us is manipulative and controlling (remember what we talked about above?),
even if it is unconscious. Look at the motivations behind your giving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are they selfless or is there an
ulterior motive?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Vulnerability & Authenticity</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We all think putting our best face forward it necessary in
most parts of our lives. Think about the job interview, online dating profile
and resume. We don’t mention our weaknesses, fears or flaws in these arenas. An
ex-boyfriend even said to me once when I was showing him the scars on my
stomach from multiple cancer surgeries, “Don’t point out your flaws.” He may be
right that I didn’t need to point them out as if something was wrong with me,
but it is ok to talk about how you feel about these things. In fact, it’s
refreshing. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We all have weaknesses, vulnerabilities and things of which
we are ashamed. Opening up about them gives others permission to do the same,
and creates a new level of intimacy that probably wouldn’t have been possible
otherwise. This is what relating to each other is all about. And relating to
someone else in a deeper way is what makes a relationship. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I once led in my online dating profile with the fact that I
was a total klutz. I used the phrase, “I could trip on a pattern in the
carpeting.” My friend advised me to change it because, as she said, “People
will find out about your shortcomings soon enough. You don’t have to point them
out.” I got so many responses to that profile as men wrote to tell me about
their quirks too. Numerous klutzes were drawn to tell me about how they had cut
themselves shaving that morning, or tripped crossing the stage at their high
school graduation. It gave us something to relate to about each other right off
the bat. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We look at others and get intimidated by the fact that they
are so successful or good-looking or wealthy, and we use that status to put
them on a pedestal and assume they are somehow better than us. The truth is
that each of those people likely once struggled, lost a job or important
relationship, had zits or went bankrupt. Hearing about those struggles helps us
better relate to them. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I learned in a relationship seminar once that sharing that
which you are most afraid to share can open doors to the deepest levels of
intimacy, so I asked someone I was seeing if he would share something he was
ashamed of, and promised I would do the same. He said, “I already shared it
last week.” Wow! I was thrilled that he felt comfortable enough to open up to
me in that way, and I shared something that had previously been very difficult
for me to admit. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Rather than react in alarm and disgust as I had imagined he
and others in my life might upon learning this, he was sympathetic and even
helpful in so many ways. He has since sent me tools, resources and provided
support as I work through my issue. The same thing happened when I shared this
confession with my mom – the person I was most ashamed of sharing it with. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This experience was incredible, and so eye-opening. It makes
me sad to think that for years I lived my life being so ashamed of something that
I was unwilling to share it with those who loved me the most, and that doing so
was the key to deeper more meaningful relationships with those who are
important to me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What are you trying to control in your relationships? How
could you surrender instead? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What traits do you have that keep you separate from others? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What could you share that you are most ashamed of? </div>A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-40606396970386498752012-04-01T22:33:00.002-06:002012-04-01T22:36:39.860-06:00Surrender<style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:Cambria; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} p.MsoListParagraph, li.MsoListParagraph, div.MsoListParagraph {margin-top:0in; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:.5in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-add-space:auto; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} p.MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst, li.MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst, div.MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst {mso-style-type:export-only; margin-top:0in; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:.5in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-add-space:auto; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} p.MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle, li.MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle, div.MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle {mso-style-type:export-only; margin-top:0in; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:.5in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-add-space:auto; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} p.MsoListParagraphCxSpLast, li.MsoListParagraphCxSpLast, div.MsoListParagraphCxSpLast {mso-style-type:export-only; margin-top:0in; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:.5in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-add-space:auto; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.5in 1.0in 1.5in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} /* List Definitions */ @list l0 {mso-list-id:1155225276; mso-list-type:hybrid; mso-list-template-ids:1346677226 67698703 67698713 67698715 67698703 67698713 67698715 67698703 67698713 67698715;} @list l0:level1 {mso-level-tab-stop:none; mso-level-number-position:left; text-indent:-.25in;} ol {margin-bottom:0in;} ul {margin-bottom:0in;} --> </style> <p class="MsoNormal">I am a control freak. I didn’t realize this until recently, but it is becoming clearer that, as a visionary, I nearly always have an idea in my mind about how things should go. And because of that, I like for things to actually go the way I envision. When they don’t appear to be doing so, I tend to get somewhat bent out of shape about it. There are both positive and negative aspects of being “visionary,” obviously, but recently I have been bumping up against the downsides repeatedly and painfully.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">As a student of the Law of Attraction, I know that visioning is the first and perhaps most important part of the process of manifesting what I desire. To get what I want, I first have to know what that is, and then be able to see and feel what it will be like when I have it. I don’t have to know exactly HOW to get to that desired end-point, however, and this is where it gets tricky. I often DO see a path forward, and by the time I’ve gotten out my map, chosen a route and spent some time and energy planning it all out, I feel pretty invested in that direction.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Plans are all well and good until those pesky “other” people come into play. They often have ideas of their own, and they occasionally (frequently) differ from mine. Drat! At that point, there are a few techniques I typically employ to try to get MY way:</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-bidi-mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-latin;font-family:Cambria;" ><span style="mso-list:Ignore">1.<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal">Explaining why I am right</b>. I diligently and firmly explain why my plan is the best one. I really lay it on thick, because obviously, as soon as the “other people” truly understand the merits of my plan, of course, they will jump on board enthusiastically. It doesn’t typically occur to me that I am striving to persuade anyone of anything. I am just letting them know <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">why I am right</i>. I wonder why this isn’t usually effective?</p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-bidi-mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-latin;font-family:Cambria;" ><span style="mso-list:Ignore">2.<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal">Repeat Step One.</b> Clearly, I didn’t do a good enough job explaining the finer points of my plan, so I do it again, more forcefully this time, and sometimes in a louder voice. How are they not getting this? There must be something wrong with them. </p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="mso-bidi-mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-latin;font-family:Cambria;" ><span style="mso-list:Ignore">3.<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal">Telling them why they are wrong</b>. This one is hugely popular, as you can imagine. It usually involves some aspects of points one and two illuminated now in a more condescending tone, and topped off with a good dose of all the flaws of the path they are charting. By this point I am super full of myself, which we all know is totally endearing, right?<br /></p><p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Two recent situations have helped me see the benefit of surrendering my need for control and relinquishing my vision of how something would play out. One involved work and the other a personal relationship. Both were extremely challenging to me over an extended period of time, and I’m sure caused no end of angst for the “other people” involved as well. But once I made the decision to surrender, a weight was lifted. I felt lighter, more at ease and freer. Though the “rightness” of my stance still sometimes rears its ugly head, I can also feel freedom in the knowledge that along with control, I can also let go of the weight of responsibility for making things work out, and rest easy that other hands are carrying some of the burden.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">About a decade ago, Laura Doyle ignited a firestorm with her <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Surrendered</i> books for wives and singles, suggesting that women surrender to their men, and stop trying to control the way the relationship was going. She advised respecting men’s decisions for their lives, practicing good self-care, expressing gratitude for the things others do for you and allowing yourself to be vulnerable.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">The idea of surrendering stirred up controversy among some who hadn’t read the books, and who misinterpreted the premise to be about submission to men’s desires and needs at the expense of our own (something perhaps women tend toward already). One human rights activist even went to so far as to liken this approach to slavery, suggesting that the author expected women to subvert themselves entirely to their man, becoming a kind of puppet.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I remember the hubbub around the books when they came out, and admit to feeling a significant amount of distaste for the idea of surrender, even buying into the feminist outrage about the misrepresentation of this concept. I had no interest in reading the book then – why would I want to surrender my control? </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I am absolutely intrigued by this idea now, and totally see the power of this concept. To me, surrender simply means ceding control. It goes beyond gender issues, and speaks only of letting go, and knowing that I don’t have to try to steer the outcome of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal">every single thing</b> in my life. Whew! What an incredible feeling to trust other people to take care of it, trust the process to produce a great result, or even, as my intuition whispered to me recently, trust love, and know that whatever form it takes, it is real and I don’t have to manipulate it in any way.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Even though there are sure to be moments that scream for me to wield some sort of influence, assert my opinion or just feel strongly that something must be WRONG, surrendering, in and of itself, is nothing short of blissful. I recognize there are numerous routes that lead to the same end, and that the view from the passenger seat can be really great and quite relaxing. The destination itself may even look different than expected, and that is ok too.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">What are you trying to control that is stressing you out?</p> <p class="MsoNormal">What does the idea of surrender look like to you?</p> <p class="MsoNormal">To what or to whom could you surrender in order to feel freer?</p>A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-32312464928243241682012-02-28T12:22:00.003-07:002012-02-28T12:26:33.345-07:00Single<style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:Cambria; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style> <p class="MsoNormal">During this month associated with Black History and also love, many of us are still observing February 14 as “Singles Awareness Day.” In a workshop just over a year ago I asked the participants what “single” meant to them. The answers were: loser, alone, lonely and other similar words and phrases. I don’t think this is uncommon. I bought a book once titled: <i style="">If I’m So Great, Why Am I Still Single</i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">?</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Even though more and more of us are staying single longer or becoming single again, there is still often a negative connotation to that word.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I have written before about Dean Ornish’s book <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Love & Survival</i> and the role that social connection plays in our health and well-being. This post also noted that while the rise of social media has connected us with more people, the connections are not as deep or meaningful as they are face to face. Recently, I have had the opportunity to revise my thinking on this issue somewhat as I have formed a significant connection with someone who lives on another continent. While we only talk every few weeks by Skype, we have become quite close, and discovered we have a great deal in common in the way we view the world. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Social connection, and indeed love, can take many forms, and though more and more of us are choosing to live on our own, that doesn’t mean we lack community.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">In fact, 50% of American adults are single and 31 million (1 in 7) of us live alone, according to the book <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone</i>. People who live alone make up 28 percent of all U.S. households, making them more common even that those containing a nuclear family. This book suggests that while more of us live alone, we also tend to be more socially engaged outside the home than those with families. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">There are even some activists such as Bella DePaulo, PhD, writing about how singles are “stereotyped, stigmatized and ignored, and still live happily ever after.” Her book <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Singled Out</i> details the ways in which singles are discriminated against in our society (the single supplement on many trips and special event pricing for couples being two examples), the stereotypes we face and the fact that we are often labeled as selfish. She suggests that “fami<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6t9Y5GTKkbiCqO355-eVkH8LtBZz1zKZKuUc8wip8gLeL6nm9RfBXkgD3UFgUciDtVQ8C02t1ajR1wrv9K_RaXGulGHtJrt0lHiOj1xui_LgbrX5v0lJXZIu6TtohzBRZktvL1PxaZFQ/s1600/Taxes+-+Single+Discrimination.tiff"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 135px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6t9Y5GTKkbiCqO355-eVkH8LtBZz1zKZKuUc8wip8gLeL6nm9RfBXkgD3UFgUciDtVQ8C02t1ajR1wrv9K_RaXGulGHtJrt0lHiOj1xui_LgbrX5v0lJXZIu6TtohzBRZktvL1PxaZFQ/s320/Taxes+-+Single+Discrimination.tiff" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5714269499092226914" border="0" /></a>ly values” have been bastardized to leave out the vast majority of us who are raising kids as single parents, living alone or even part of same sex couples.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The graphic indicates the extent of the tax discrimination singles face. I recently noticed this myself as I really scrutinized how much of my salary I never see with my 25% tax rate. It is staggering.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I believe singles have also stigmatized themselves, feeling, as the book title in the first paragraph suggests, that something must be wrong with us or we would indeed be coupled. For single cancer survivors, that stigma can be doubly or triply painful as infertility issues, scars and other body image issues, and the specter of illness and fear of recurrence all combine to make us wonder who will possibly love us NOW? We believe our past illness makes us somehow unworthy or undeserving of love, and sometimes wallow in self-pity, which does actually make us less desirable.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">The truth is that all of us are whole and complete and worthy of love no matter what we have dealt with in our past. We all have something to offer, and a beautiful spirit to share with others, even if we are missing a breast, ovaries, a testicle or have physical and emotional scars from the experience of life and illness. It is truly only our own limitations that hold us back, and keep us from sharing the love in our hearts.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">A Course in Miracles</i> states that there are only two ways to be in the world – living in fear, or living in love. We are often afraid of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and share our love because we fear it won’t be returned or we will appear foolish. We hold back for fear the other person doesn’t feel the same way, or might not react the way we want them to. I am learning that the latter doesn’t matter nearly as much as I have thought in the past, and that no matter what, there is never anything wrong with sharing the way you feel with another person. It is indeed all that really matters.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">We have all heard that love is the most important thing in life, and for those of us who don’t have romantic love at the moment, we have often made it mean that we are somehow lacking THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. It’s not true. We all have love in some form, and while most of us long to be loved by that one special person, it doesn’t diminish the love “that actually is all around us,” to paraphrase a favorite movie (Love Actually).<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">People in my life regularly say, “I love you,” to me. This is indeed a miracle, because it was only when I could allow myself to hear it and receive it that it began to happen with more frequency. At the same time, it is the most natural thing in the world to tell the people we love how we feel about them, and be so thrilled to hear it in return. What could possibly be bad about saying, “I love you?”<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Who can you say “I love you” to?<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">What keeps you from feeling worthy of having love in your life?<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">What do you love the most about you? </p>A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-86495066111219865622012-01-24T08:47:00.000-07:002012-01-24T08:50:43.389-07:00Touch<style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:Cambria; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.5in 1.0in 1.5in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style> <p class="MsoNormal">Studies in orphanages and hospitals stress that infants deprived of skin contact lose weight, become ill and even die. To thrive newborns need touch as much as food. As children we instinctively seek out touch when we need it, and ask to be hugged or cuddled by our parents. As we grow older, we may not experience as much physical touch in our lives, and might not feel as comfortable asking for it.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Nothing can make us feel loved more than being touched. A pat on the arm, a back rub, a hug, or someone stroking our hair all send the message, “I care about you.” “You are loved.” When we don’t get this kind of physical contact, it can significantly contribute to feelings of loneliness and separation.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">When I was going through cancer treatment, I had reiki sessions once a week to help me deal with the side effects. The sessions were seriously discounted and offered through a local program just for cancer patients. This “laying on of hands,” from an ancient Asian healing practice made a major impact on my nausea, bone aches and other chemotherapy side effects. Looking back on it now, I also recognize how emotionally healing it was during that difficult time to receive loving touch for an hour each week. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Programs like this one offer a valuable service to their clients during one of the most difficult times of their lives. I serve on the board of a similar organization that helps patients heal and reconnect with their bodies after treatment is complete through massage therapy. Cancer patients can often feel as if their bodies have betrayed them, and treatment takes a toll on even the most otherwise healthy person.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Massage can help patients deal with lingering pain or sensitivity in certain body parts. It also helps move toxic chemicals out of the system, and provides a sense of rejuvenation to the to the body. But perhaps the most significant part of the process is the opportunity to talk with a provider about what you’re going through as a patient or survivor, and to experience the connection that comes from allowing yourself to receive therapeutic touch.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">When we are “sick,” people can be afraid they are going to hurt us in some way if they hug too hard or touch the wrong spot. If we have ports, IVs or other tubes and wires coming from our bodies, especially in the hospital, people can be even less willing to reach out physically. Let people know it’s ok and where there might be sensitive areas to avoid. Go a step further and let your loved ones know when you need to hold someone’s hand, get an extra-long hug or a foot rub. Whatever makes you feel connected and loved – be willing to ask for it.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I have used energy work such as reiki, healing touch and acupuncture to deal with many of the side effects of treatment and of menopause following my hysterectomy. All have had a profound impact on my physical issues, but perhaps just as strongly, if not more so, on my emotional well-being. The act of receiving is powerful, and all of these healing modalities ask only that you relax and allow yourself to receive the healing energy and touch being provided. There is something very profound about being able to receive in this way without any expectation of reciprocation. There are few times in our lives when we can do that, and many of us are not very good at receiving.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I had a conversation recently about physical affection. It was refreshing in the context of a romantic relationship to have someone tell me the type of affection he appreciates. We often expect people we are intimate with to be able to figure it out, or to read our minds about what makes us feel loved and connected. Even more ludicrously is when we get upset with them if they don’t give us what we want and need. Being able to recognize your own needs and communicate them to others is essential.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Saying to someone – whether they are a romantic partner, a friend or family member – “Can you hold my hand?” can feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you practice it, the more natural it seems. “I like it when you rub my lower back,” is a great phrase to insure you get more of what nurtures you. “Cuddling with you as we fall asleep is one of my favorite parts of the day,” not only communicates what you like, but acknowledges the other person for what they give to you.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Single people may not get as much affectionate touch as they need to feel healthy, connected and loved. As society becomes less dependent upon each other for our physical survival, the emotional connections we have had with others historically have also fallen away. Just because we no longer need the community to hunt and kill our food, or to live collectively to share the tasks of daily survival, doesn’t mean we are any less dependent upon each other for physical affection.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Living alone and being independent is becoming more and more the norm in modern society, and that can mean that many of us are starved for human touch and affection. My friend was brave enough to share how difficult is was for him to have grown up without a great deal of affection in his home, and now as a single adult, how isolating it could be to come home from a difficult day at work and not have someone to share that with or give him a hug and let him know it was going to be ok.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">His confession brought tears to my eyes because I often felt the same way going through cancer treatment. Not having someone there to help you make the difficult decisions that need to be made about your health and treatment can leave you feeling overwhelmed, but not having someone there to give you a hug and tell you everything’s going to be ok is devastating. </p>A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-48892854875313416702011-12-29T14:44:00.000-07:002011-12-29T14:48:47.150-07:00Intuition<style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:Cambria; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} a:link, span.MsoHyperlink {mso-style-noshow:yes; color:blue; text-decoration:underline; text-underline:single;} a:visited, span.MsoHyperlinkFollowed {mso-style-noshow:yes; color:purple; text-decoration:underline; text-underline:single;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.5in 1.0in 1.5in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style> <p class="MsoNormal">It’s been described as a still small voice deep inside each of us, a whisper, a gut feeling. What is intuition really, and how can we tell when it’s speaking to us? I have been thinking about this topic and having some breakthroughs on listening to my own intuition, and woke up this morning determined to write about it when I noticed in my email inbox an excellent piece by Martha Beck on just that. (see link below)<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Her description of the two personalities of intuition hit me like a ton of bricks. I had just completed a weekend spiritual seminar in which I realized how fully I typically dismiss my intuition. I simply chalk it up to something else – some fantasy, or daydream of my conscious mind, and not really something deeper that can be trusted and followed to bring me greater joy.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Last January I participated in a retreat for cancer survivors at the famous Miraval spa in Arizona, and one afternoon I attended a program on intuition. At one point we were asked to partner with someone next to us who we didn’t know, and exchange a personal item – a piece of jewelry or clothing. We were led through a brief meditation to get centered and then told to pay attention to any messages we were getting about the person whose item we held.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Immediately, I saw images of a beautiful brown horse, and almost as instantly, I dismissed them as not the REAL message I was supposed to be focusing on. My logical brain reasoned that these images were only coming to mind because I knew, of course, that Miraval was famous for its Equine Experience. I had been hearing about how amazing this program was since the minute I’d set foot on the property. I forcefully tried to clear the horse images from my mind so I could sense something personal about this woman sitting next to me. The horse popped up again and again and I got so frustrated with myself that I couldn’t seem to do this. The entire exercise was less than 90 seconds long, but I made myself wrong for most of that time.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">When the facilitator asked us to share with our partners, I reluctantly told her what I had “seen.” She exclaimed, “I JUST finished the Equine Experience and it was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever done.” When I described the horse I had seen, she confirmed that indeed her horse had fit that description. She told me in turn that when she held my ring in her hand, she wanted to slump to the floor and take a nap. I told her I had just come from one of the most relaxing yoga classes I’d ever taken, and had actually fallen asleep at the end of shavasana. I do yoga regularly and that had never happened to me before. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">The stories shared by other participants around the room were equally amazing. They ranged from images, like mine, to physical sensations and even emotions. One woman got a pain in her hand, and her partner confirmed that she had severe arthritis in that exact spot. You’d think such an amazing experience would help me to better recognize and trust my own intuition, but sadly, it didn’t.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">You might be able to tell from what I’ve shared so far, that I’m a bit of a retreat junkie. I love personal and professional development, and take advantage of any opportunity I’m given to participate in a workshop, retreat or seminar. The cancer crowd loves these sorts of things, and they often ask us to tap into our feelings or spirit in some way. I have seen people have incredibly profound experiences and share tremendous and life-changing insights they have gained through these events.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I, on the other hand, have beat myself up that I “must be doing it wrong,” because I just don’t seem to be having the same level of insight or emotional reaction or deep understanding. I remember a visualisation once to find our spirit guides where people described seeing a tiger or lamb or horse and feeling a strong connection. I saw nothing, and was so mad at myself for not getting it. The truth is I probably did see something, and dismissed it as not important or profound enough and therefore, not memorable or worth sharing.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Perhaps you can identify with how quickly we are willing to believe a negative thought or emotion we have. You make a strong connection with someone and then they don’t call and you tell yourself you made it all up. The connection wasn’t really there. In this way, you begin to doubt yourself. These negative thoughts are easier to believe than the idea that someone might actually like us, but has just been too busy to call or got distracted by life.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I recently had one of these experiences AGAIN, and as the negative thoughts, beating myself up, feeling hurt and questioning my feelings began to gain momentum the words TRUST LOVE floated through my consciousness. If I dismissed it, and let my worry take over, it came through again, and again, and again, until finally I stopped imagining the worst case scenario and listened to my intuition to trust.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I believe it is actually our highest self that allows us to feel the emotions to begin with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It is the best part of us that opens us up to vulnerability and trust and love. It is the ego that beats us up, questions anything good, and tries to make us feel unworthy or unlovable. The ego screams at us in a way that is difficult to ignore, and so we usually believe it. Intuition whispers and calms, and invites us to step into a better way, and because it’s so soft and non-intrusive, we often miss it. Or even worse, hear it and dismiss it.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Recently, I had a vision during a meditation in which we were asked to receive guidance and messages about our lives. As I have many times before, I dismissed what I saw as a product of my conscious brain that was getting in the way of what I was REALLY supposed to be seeing. I forcefully tried to push it from my mind, but it persisted. The image is one I’ve actually seen many times before but hadn’t given much thought to. It is this: me, in a white dress, on a hillside with the sun shining down, getting married to a man in a kilt. I have always imagined myself marrying a man in a kilt. I assumed this image came to me because my family heritage is Scottish on my dad’s side, and my favorite book series features a strong Scottish Highlander as its main character.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">However, what if it’s the other way around. What if I was drawn to those books because I have a stronger connection with Scotland than my family heritage? Perhaps I am destined to marry a man in a kilt with sparkling blue eyes and a heart-melting brogue. I don’t know if I am or not, but I do know that I met such a man at the same event where I had the vision, and that I feel a very strong connection to him. Whether the vision comes true or not with this man or another, I know one thing for sure. I am NOT dismissing my intuition this time. I’m going to trust it and see where it leads me.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Are there times in your life when you ignored an intuitive feeling?<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Can you think of a time when you listened to your intuition?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">What is the benefit of trusting this higher part of yourself?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Finding-Your-Inner-Voice-Developing-Intuition-Martha-Beck">Martha Beck piece on Intuition</a><br /></p>A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-59302387481252984812011-12-07T20:24:00.000-07:002011-12-07T20:30:08.689-07:00Commitment<style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:Cambria; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.5in 1.0in 1.5in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --></style> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:85%;">Commitment might seem like a strange topic for a column about single life, but a couple of things happened to me this week that demonstrated the power of commitment and I knew I had to write about it.<br /></span></p><p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /></span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:85%;">I loved Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Committed. It was all about the history of marriage, her disdain for it as a concept and her eventual surrender to it. My sisters are both married, and one of them told me once </span><span style=";font-size:85%;" >that she could feel secure through the rough times in her marriage – the disagreements and arguments and tensions – because she knew her husband wasn’t going anywhere. They were committed, and therefore safe to share their true feelings, allow themselves to be vulnerable and assert their perspective. As a single person, that resonated so deeply with me, and confirmed my willingness to wait for that kind of relationship as well.<br /></span></p><p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" ><br /></span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" > </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-family: verdana;"><span style="mso-bidi- mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" >It also reminded me of the power of commitment in all areas of life. This quote by W.H. Murray, of the Scottish Himalayan Expedition sums it up: "Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets: 'Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it! Boldness has genius, magic, and power in it.” </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-family: verdana;"><span style="mso-bidi- mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" > </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-family: verdana;"><span style=";font-size:85%;" ><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-family: verdana;"><span style=";font-size:85%;" >This was brought home to me this week in a big way. Since I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 2006, I have been saying I was going to write a book about my experience as a single survivor. I have been writing this column diligently every month for more than four years now, and in the back of my mind, I always thought perhaps someone might stumble upon it and want to publish it. I have no idea how many people read it regularly, and I get only occasional feedback about its impact on readers, so I really had no idea how easy it was to “stumble upon” my writing. Well, this week it actually happened. A publisher contacted me out of the blue to talk about A Single Cell the book.<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-family: verdana;"><span style="mso-bidi- mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" ><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-family: verdana;"><span style="mso-bidi- mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" > </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-family: verdana;"><span style=";font-size:85%;" >Now, it’s important to talk about the role of commitment in all of this. Because for five years I have been talking about writing a book, and hoping to be discovered, but it wasn’t until I made a commitment and took action that it actually happened. Let me share what I’ve been up to the past few months. In April I bought a book <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">How to Bring Your Book To Life this Year</i> by Andrea Constantine and Lisa Shultz. In July, I joined a book group of women who are committed to writing books. We are reading the aforementioned book, meeting monthly to talk about our books and holding each other accountable. Through this process, I have been thinking about my book, doing the exercises in the book I’m reading, brainstorming titles and I have declared publicly that my book will be published by the end of 2012.<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-family: verdana;"><span style="mso-bidi- mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" ><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-family: verdana;"><span style="mso-bidi- mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" > </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-family: verdana;"><span style=";font-size:85%;" >I have ideas for three books, and I have been diligently practicing learning to receive (the topic of my last column) because I thought that would be the book I’d write this year. If I hadn’t been practicing my receiving, I might not have taken my friend Mike up on a generous offer he made me a month ago – to join him at an author conference in Las Vegas last week. This event was rife with publishers, agents, marketing gurus, book designers and others. I couldn’t afford to attend this event on my own and almost said no to Mike’s offer to go as his guest and share his hotel room for free because even the plane ticket and meals were a stretch for me.<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-family: verdana;"><span style="mso-bidi- mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" ><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-family: verdana;"><span style="mso-bidi- mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" > </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-family: verdana;"><span style=";font-size:85%;" >However, because I allowed myself to receive that gift from Mike, I made great connections, learned a ton about the publishing industry and most importantly, began to see myself as an author and speaker with a message that can make a difference to people. I came home and started putting together a press kit, surprising myself at how many media interviews I have done over the past few years on this topic – on television, radio and in magazines. I stayed up late to work on this one night, and the very next day, a publisher came knocking on my door. Coincidence? Absolutely not! Whether or not this publisher is the one actually doesn’t matter either, because my commitment to getting published will carry me toward the right path. It is the commitment that is most important.<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-family: verdana;"><span style="mso-bidi- mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" ><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-family: verdana;"><span style="mso-bidi- mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" > </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-family: verdana;"><span style=";font-size:85%;" >I have mentioned Mike Dooley and his Thoughts Become Things mantra before. I heard him speak recently at a signing for his new book <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Leveraging the Universe</i>, and what he shared fully supports this idea. I should point out that I have heard this message a million times from other speakers, authors, gurus and friends as well. There is always a moment in time, though, that cements something we have heard before and we really learn it, and see how it applies to our lives. The way Mike Dooley phrases it is this: set an intention, and give it to the universe – don’t worry about HOW it will come to pass. By fixating on a certain path, we limit other opportunities that might not even be on our radar. Let the universe find the most efficient and effective path for your intention. Your job is just to put it out there in the world.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-family: verdana;"><span style="mso-bidi- mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" ><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-family: verdana;"><span style="mso-bidi- mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" ><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span></span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style=";font-size:85%;" >At my Unitarian Universalist church, we light a chalice at the beginning of each service, and at the end, when we extinguish it, we say the following: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">We extinguish this flame, but not the light of truth, the warmth of community, or the fire of commitment. These we carry in our hearts until we are together again.</i> I wish for you the fire of commitment. Take a moment to explore and write down the things you are committed to today. It is only through setting the intention and/or making the commitment that they will come to you. Once it is set, let go of any fixation on the way it might come to fruition.<br /></span></p><p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" ><br /></span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" > </span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" >I am committed to:</span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" ><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Living an adventurous life</span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" ><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Enjoying complete freedom over my schedule</span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" ><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Making a contribution in the world through my words and actions</span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" ><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Generating abundance in the form of love, prosperity and joy</span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" > </span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-mso-bidi-Times New Roman"font-size:85%;" >What are YOU committed to?</span></p>A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-34361663367840182372011-10-09T13:47:00.001-06:002011-10-09T13:49:03.573-06:00Learning to Receive: A Single Cell<style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:"Courier New"; 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margin-top:0in; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:.5in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-add-space:auto; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} p.MsoListParagraphCxSpLast, li.MsoListParagraphCxSpLast, div.MsoListParagraphCxSpLast {mso-style-type:export-only; margin-top:0in; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:.5in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-add-space:auto; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} /* List Definitions */ @list l0 {mso-list-id:148139143; mso-list-type:hybrid; mso-list-template-ids:-2072332790 67698689 67698691 67698693 67698689 67698691 67698693 67698689 67698691 67698693;} @list l0:level1 {mso-level-number-format:bullet; mso-level-text:; mso-level-tab-stop:none; mso-level-number-position:left; text-indent:-.25in; font-family:Symbol;} ol {margin-bottom:0in;} ul {margin-bottom:0in;} --> </style> <p class="MsoNormal">It was only recently that I recognized how many masculine traits I have. From driving hard, doing, doing, doing and being fiercely independent, to wanting to maintain control and being purpose-driven. I have never thought of receptivity as a particularly female trait. Considering the nurturing nature of women I viewed giving as more feminine. A recent course I took on Feminine Power, helped me recognize the feminine traits of internal focus, emotion and relatedness – all of which I have in spades; and the being over doing, surrendering and love-driven traits that are not so present in me. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Receiving stood out, however, as something I don’t do well. From compliments, to help, to prosperity, I tend to deflect more than accept. I’m not sure where this began - as a small child likely. I can almost see myself, curly blond hair, age 3, stomping my foot and saying defiantly, “I can do it myself.”</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">It’s not clear whether I ever believed asking for help denoted weakness. There have certainly been times in my career that I’ve been lazy and asked others for answers I could have easily found myself. Asking was quicker and more efficient. I also craved recognition for my accomplishments. I didn’t need awards or honors (though I did receive some), but a pat on the back for a job well done. Defensiveness was a wall I hid behind whenever anyone criticized me, or my work. It was never my fault. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I think I also come off as demanding in work settings because asking feels uncomfortable, so my requests appear more as commands. I remember working at Girl Scout Camp, supervising a staff of two, and saying, “you be in charge of this,” and “you be in charge of that.” I didn’t ask or request, because, yes, now that I think about it, that definitely feels like a weaker position. What if they said, “no?” Where would I be then?</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I have always prided myself on being independent and self-sufficient. When I received a new TV for Christmas one year and faced the task of getting it into my house after driving it 8-hours from Kentucky to Wisconsin, where I lived at the time, I chose to carry it by inches rather than asking someone to help. First, I hefted it out of the car. Then I carried it four feet and set it down. Another four feet. Then another. And another. Up the front steps, one at a time. Then up the inside stairs, one at a time. It probably took me 45 minutes to get it into the house fully, and I’m sure the temperatures were frigid as well. Why did I put myself through that? Because being independent was easier than asking for help?</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Recently, I’ve come to understand that wasn’t the case at all. Feelings of worthlessness masqueraded as independence. Intellectually, this was a difficult one for me to wrap my head around for a really long time. I KNEW I wasn’t worthless. I KNEW I was valuable and valued. I KNEW I was worthy of receiving help from others (and love, and admiration and kindness). The worthiness issues were buried deep inside of me, as they are for many, many people in our society. So deeply, we don’t even recognize them ourselves. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">In the vein of everything happening for a reason, a few things happened to force me to learn to ask for help, and it was only then that I began to see the underlying feelings that had kept me “independent” for so long. First, I broke my ankle on a ski trip to Lake Tahoe, which forced me onto crutches and into a cast on my right leg. It was winter in Colorado. I lived on the second floor with outside stairs. I couldn’t drive. Daily life became an endurance sport. I couldn’t even make a cup of tea and carry it across the room, much less cook easily, grocery shop, take out the garbage or any number of other simple tasks we all take for granted every day. Asking for help was a huge chore, and I did it only when I absolutely had to. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Looking back at that difficult three months, I recognize that it taught me how to ask in order to survive the next big challenge five years later when I was diagnosed with cancer. I definitely couldn’t have made it through two surgeries and six rounds of chemo without strong support, and asking was much easier the second time around when I could actually articulate what I needed both physically, and this time around, emotionally more so as well. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">It was only through a great deal of transformational work that I have finally begun to really recognize how my own worthiness issues manifest. I tend to give WAY more than I receive, and recently realized the seeds of this in my feeling that people would only like me if I was helpful and giving. I didn’t feel that just being me and showing up was enough. So if I had to give to be liked, I sure as hell wasn’t going to ASK for anything. Then I would really be a burden on people! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Finally, it is my ever-present financial issues that have really helped me recognize the ways I practically repel money by working for less than I am worth, failing to take responsibility for cash flow and manifesting problems such as car trouble, illness and household breakages with big price-tags. Don’t worry, I also manifest abundance right when I need it and in amazing ways in the form of refund checks I wasn’t expecting, financial gifts, gift cards, and bonuses at exactly the right time. I am learning to believe I’m worthy of more and ask for it in many areas of my life, and will continue to do so. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">WOW! That’s a lot of personal history to share. So now that I have had all these aha moments and transformational breakthroughs, what am I doing about it? Well, I’m glad you asked. Here are some things I am practicing in order to learn to receive:</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="font-family:Symbol;mso-fareast-font-family:Symbol;mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">·<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span>I keep a receiving journal to record all the things I receive each day. </p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="font-family:Symbol;mso-fareast-font-family:Symbol;mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">·<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span>I practice gratitude for all that I have, and have posted “gratitudes” as my Facebook status for a few weeks now. </p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="font-family:Symbol;mso-fareast-font-family:Symbol;mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">·<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span>I visualize what I desire in my life without worrying about “how” I might receive them – knowing that thoughts become things (Mike Dooley, TUT.com). </p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="font-family:Symbol;mso-fareast-font-family:Symbol;mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">·<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span>I consciously ask for help at least twice a day whenever possible. </p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="font-family:Symbol;mso-fareast-font-family:Symbol;mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">·<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span>I break patterns whenever possible, doing things that I haven’t done or said before – this brings new energy and connections. </p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="font-family:Symbol;mso-fareast-font-family:Symbol;mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">·<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span>I am also planning to write a book about this practice, and where it gets me, because I believe undervaluing ourselves is a fairly universal experience. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I request that you share your own worthiness issues, breakdowns, breakthroughs, realizations and struggles with me in the comments section, or privately through asinglecell@gmail.com</p>A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-1806969686183856552011-08-18T12:29:00.000-06:002011-08-31T12:30:04.722-06:00Transformation<a href="http://www.tut.com/theclub/"></a> <style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:Cambria; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} a:link, span.MsoHyperlink {mso-style-noshow:yes; color:blue; text-decoration:underline; text-underline:single;} a:visited, span.MsoHyperlinkFollowed {mso-style-noshow:yes; color:purple; text-decoration:underline; text-underline:single;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.0in 1.0in 1.0in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style> <p class="MsoNormal">We have all heard the analogy of the caterpillar turning into the butterfly as it fights its way out of the cocoon. It seems a bit clichéd, but I honestly can’t think of a better one to describe the past couple of years for me. I feel as if I’ve truly transformed from a crawling kind of creature, with some beauty to it for sure, into a flying, brilliant butterfly. At first, it seemed odd to me that my friends weren’t noticing. “Hey, I’m flying now, can’t you see?” They noticed how great I LOOKED because of my significant weight loss, but they weren’t seeing the transformation in my spirit, the lightness, the joy, the calm with which I was now approaching life.
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<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Then suddenly it hit me! To them - my friends, family, colleagues, and even acquaintances - I had ALWAYS shown up this way. Wow! It was only to myself that I had ever been a plodding, ground level, unspectacular caterpillar. To the outside world, I had always been a beautiful and special butterfly. It is my inner life that has been transformed in such a profound way that no one but me really noticed. This reinforces the idea that life is lived between the ears. Our inner dialogue is constantly running, and most of the time it is spouting limiting or even damaging beliefs about ourselves – “I’m not good enough,” “I will never be. . .”, “I can’t do that,” “I don’t deserve. . .” These thoughts are so ingrained, so automatic, that we don’t even notice them, but they are doing a number on our psyches.
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<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Mike Dooley tells us in no uncertain terms that “Thoughts become Things,” and encourages us to think the good ones. A friend recommended his <a href="http://www.tut.com/theclub/">site</a> and daily messages from the Universe, and I have thoroughly enjoyed both.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The premise is not much different from that of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">The Secret</i> or any number of other Law of Attraction tomes that are so popular these days, and honestly, I’ve read most of them. They key is in doing something.
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<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">As was reinforced in a program put on by my non-profit this summer, we know that knowledge alone does not alter behavior (KADNAB if you are looking for a catchy acronym to help you remember). If it did, we’d all be perfectly proportioned, healthy, non-smokers with plenty of money and free time. (smile)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>We may KNOW what is good for us, or how to live sustainably, but that doesn’t mean we actually DO it. This was brought home to me painfully one fall when I participated in a Green Team group through my church. I have always prided myself on being quite the environmentalist, but when it came down to assessing my actual practice, all my knowledge meant very little as I wasn’t really doing as much as I thought to protect the Earth.
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<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">When I tried to look up transformation for a definition I could share, I found a number of scientific, mathematic and genetic descriptions. Even one about how cells become malignant (interesting), but nothing that came close to what I am talking about. I have been doing transformational work, and though it has made such an impact in my life, even I have a difficult time describing it sometimes. I have a profound appreciation for the gurus who teach these courses, and how tough it must be for them to describe what they do and the impact their education can make on individuals.
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<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">For me, transformation is about the following: (at the most basic level)</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>How I show up in life – appear to others and my own perspective </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>How I view situations – blame others or circumstances or take responsibility </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>How I relate to people – with distrust or benefit of the doubt</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>How I view the world – connected or separate</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>How I view myself – whole and complete or lacking significantly</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">It is also about recognizing that we are all human. We all formed our worldview from very specific painful things that happened to us in the past, usually at a time when we were too young to view them subjectively. At the point that X happened, we made up a story about what it meant, and by God we have stuck by that story ever since, finding more and more evidence to support its truth along the way. That perspective has brought us what we expected, and it is usually more of the same.
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<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Changing perspective is not easy. It takes recognition of our stories, a willingness to explore them, and continual practice. It takes self-reflection, and a willingness to take responsibility for the ways in which we create our own lives. Our stories are so front-and-center, that it often takes peeling back many layers to really get to the truth (if there is such a thing) about what is really going on. Even after being immersed in this practice, and having taken many courses that help me do this, I still fall into old patterns make people wrong and settle into my story much more often that I like, but this work means I don’t beat myself up about that either – as if that helps! It is not something that is “fixed” and forgotten – it is a practice like yoga or meditation - one that you just show up for over and over and over again. But when you do, the results can be incredible!</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">What can you transform? </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Your relationship with your parents? </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Your relationship to money? </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Your view of yourself? </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Your view of Republicans or terrorists or gay people?</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">What can you take responsibility for? </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>The fact that you have been playing the victim? </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>The way you react when someone pushes your buttons? </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>The way you spend money or eat when you are feeling depressed? </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>The way your hurt others when you are feeling hurt?</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">What can you gain from seeing things differently? </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Love instead of fear? </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Tolerance instead of hate? </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Joy instead of sadness? </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Peace instead of conflict?</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The butterfly in you is striving to come out. Let it fly!</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-35618364558388562162011-07-05T18:10:00.000-06:002011-07-05T18:22:37.695-06:00Escape<style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:Cambria; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} p.MsoListParagraph, li.MsoListParagraph, div.MsoListParagraph {margin-top:0in; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:.5in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-add-space:auto; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} p.MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst, li.MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst, div.MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst {mso-style-type:export-only; margin-top:0in; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:.5in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-add-space:auto; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} p.MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle, li.MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle, div.MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle {mso-style-type:export-only; margin-top:0in; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:.5in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-add-space:auto; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} p.MsoListParagraphCxSpLast, li.MsoListParagraphCxSpLast, div.MsoListParagraphCxSpLast {mso-style-type:export-only; margin-top:0in; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:.5in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-add-space:auto; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.5in 1.0in 1.5in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} /* List Definitions */ @list l0 {mso-list-id:313023118; mso-list-type:hybrid; mso-list-template-ids:892007424 67698703 67698713 67698715 67698703 67698713 67698715 67698703 67698713 67698715;} @list l0:level1 {mso-level-tab-stop:none; mso-level-number-position:left; text-indent:-.25in;} ol {margin-bottom:0in;} ul {margin-bottom:0in;} --></style><p class="MsoNormal">“If you like pina coladas, getting caught in the rain, and the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne. If you like making love at midnight in the dunes of the Cape, you’re the love that I’ve looked for. Come with me and escape.” </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">As the popular 1970s song by Rupert Holmes suggests, sometimes we all feel the need to escape. Possibly just for a few minutes or an hour when the pressure feels like too much, and sometimes for longer. I just returned from a week-long escape – and one of the best vacations I’ve ever had. I feel so relaxed and happy, and literally enjoyed every single minute of my time away. It’s so rare that we can say that. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">This experience has prompted me to give some thought this morning to escapes, and which ones are healthy as opposed to not so good for us. I do plenty of both from time to time, and it is starting to become clear which ones really serve my well-being. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">In our culture, television is often used as an escape, and while it may feel good for a bit to veg out in front of the tube, it rarely makes me feel more relaxed. In fact, the opposite is often true. I have recognized lately that watching tv up until I go to bed gives me strange dreams and less than restful sleep. Mini-escapes that have been good for me are yoga, taking a walk, reading, writing, talking to a friend or meditation. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Many people also escape into alcohol or drugs or food. While I like a cold beer or a nice glass of wine occasionally, I have found that I’m much happier when I don’t allow myself to be carried away by overindulgence. The after-effects are never pretty, and while this kind of escape might feel good for a bit, it is rarely all its cracked up to be. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">We were talking on the drive home about how sometimes you need a vacation after your vacation because you come home so exhausted from travel and mile-a-minute sight seeing, trying to cram everything into a limited amount of time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I have definitely had vacations like that. We travel to someplace cool and want to see and do everything while we are there. It definitely doesn’t make for much relaxation. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I am a planner, and thus, prefer to plan each day’s activities in order to make the most of the time. My experience has told me that failing to plan often means that a great deal of time is wasted in making decisions each day – especially when trying to satisfy a group. It also has meant that opportunities are missed as tours or other activities sell out early. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">However, over-planning can leave you exhausted as much as under-planning can leave you rudderless. Finding that sweet spot of having some plans for each day coupled with a good amount of free time for the group to split up and do their own thing or just lie on the beach with a magazine is key to a well-rounded escape. Of course, it goes without saying that finding the perfect group of friends to go with makes a big difference as well. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">This past week paddling down the Green River was perfect for many reasons:</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family:Cambria;mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-latin"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">1.<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal">Ideal weather</b> – neither too hot or too cold, no bugs, and sunny the entire time. Crazy wind on day three meant we didn’t make many river miles, but high water and fast current also gave us many opportunities to kick back in our boats with a beer in our hands and float rather than paddling hard through what is called Stillwater Canyon for a reason. </p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family:Cambria;mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-latin"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">2.<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal">Great Group </b>– everyone got along swimmingly, did their fair share of the work, discovered mutual interests in hiking, playing games and being goofy and found plenty to talk about. In my experience this is pretty rare. I feel lucky indeed to have such good friends to do trips like this with. </p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family:Cambria;mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-latin"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">3.<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal">Good Planning </b>– a six-day river trip takes a fair amount of planning on the front end, and again, the group divided tasks well from getting permits to gathering needed gear, planning menus and grocery shopping, packing gear and coolers in such a way to fit everything into four boats, etc. etc. Even divvying up the expenses at the end was fairly painless, and done over breakfast in an hour on the last morning. </p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family:Cambria;mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-latin"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">4.<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal">Gorgeous Scenery </b>– WOW! It is impossible to describe the stunning beauty of paddling through soaring cliff faces of red rock, and feeling most of the time as if we had the river all to ourselves. Swimming in Water Canyon in a beautiful blue-green swimming hole of the perfect temperature followed by lunch and a nap in the shady, sandy glen beside it was the perfect end to a perfect trip. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I have returned home from this escape with a busy few weeks coming up, and only a few days before a work trip, but I feel perfectly prepared to handle everything that is coming because I had such a good escape. I wish the same for all of you this summer as well. </p>A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-77042232863749188282011-04-21T07:02:00.000-06:002011-04-21T07:03:59.929-06:00Intimacy: A Single Cell<style>@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }</style> <p class="MsoNormal">I got your attention with that title, didn’t I?<span style=""> </span>Notice how intimacy has become a code word for sex in our society? Yes, it can refer to what we do in the bedroom, but what I am talking about is the more traditional definition: “a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of.”</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">True intimacy comes from allowing yourself to be vulnerable, opening up and sharing what you are going through. We often hide our feelings because we are ashamed of them, feel needy if we express them, or think that we are the only people who feel this way. It is only by opening up to someone else authentically that we can really connect. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Yes, anyone can read our Facebook status and know what we are up to, but we rarely post what we are really FEELING. I’m not knocking the value of social media for sharing information and keeping in touch, but it is not a tool that promotes intimacy. I can post this column on my Facebook page, and give readers a deeper insight into my thoughts and feelings, but true intimacy doesn’t come through a computer screen or a text message. The feelings are much too complicated and personal to be effectively expressed through those mediums. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Intimacy requires you to take a risk, and allow yourself to share what you are feeling. Have you ever had this thought: <i style="">I want to call my friend, but I haven’t talked to her in a while, and I am calling now because I am struggling. I can’t call just to dump my problems on her again. I should wait until I’m feeling happier</i>? Here’s a tip for you – that is precisely when you should reach out to someone in your life. Friends are not just there for the good times, and they want to be allowed in when we are going through something difficult. That is what true intimacy is. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">A friend disclosed to me once that she had been avoiding being in touch because, “I am your funny friend. The one who makes you laugh, and lightens the mood, and I just haven’t been feeling that way lately.” I was surprised at how strong my reaction was to this. I was actually angry that she had shut me out when she was going through something difficult and needed me the most. Once she was open about what was going on, it made it easier for me to share my struggles, and we had one of the deepest and most meaningful conversations we had ever had. That wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t been able to share her fears and insecurities. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">So often in life we put on a happy face, push down our real feelings and wear a mask that hides from the outside world (and even those closest to us) what is really going on. Every time we do this, we miss an opportunity to truly connect with another human being. Perhaps the most surprising thing about vulnerability is that it rarely goes unreciprocated. When we open up about something in our lives that is causing us pain, it gives others permission to do the same.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Think about all the times you have felt a certain way, but felt scared to express it for whatever reason. So instead, you make an assumption about what is really going on, you beat yourself up for your role, or more likely, you make someone else wrong for <span style=""> </span>“making you” feel this way. Sometimes we don’t share because we think that what we have to say will hurt someone’s feelings, or make them angry or push them away. But when we share authentically, without blame or judgment, we instead open up an opportunity for a deeper connection. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">How much better would our relationships be if instead of suppressing our feelings or morphing them into something else – most anger comes from a place of hurt – we just shared them in the moment, with as much clarity and vulnerability as we could? </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Instead of exploding in anger and blaming someone else for not calling when they said they would, imagine yourself saying, “I was really hurt that you didn’t call yesterday. Even though our plans were vague, we had agreed to spend the day together, and I am sad that we missed out on that time with each other.” Feel like weakness to “let someone off the hook” in this way? Think for a minute about what your response to a statement like the one above might be. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Then consider what your comeback would look like if you had heard this instead. “You are such a jerk! We had plans yesterday, and you totally blew me off! Did you think I had nothing better to do than sit around and wait for you? I can’t even believe I am with you. You are so insensitive.”</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Both statements come from the same feelings, but the first is more authentic and feels WAY scarier because it comes from a place of vulnerability. The second masquerades as coming from a place of strength, which feels safer to us. One puts the other person on the defensive, creating distance, while the other allows an opening for not just a more civil discussion, but a more productive one. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Human nature is to “protect ourselves,” through saving face, wearing the mask and playing strong. It takes far more courage and strength to allow ourselves to be vulnerable by expressing what we are really feeling. Practice it the next time you find yourself in a situation like this. Once you see what happens when you respond differently, you will be hooked because of the results you create. I wrote a few months ago about love and survival, and the role that real connection plays in our health and well-being. It is only through allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable that we can create the kind of deep connection we crave. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p>A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-17837675692123668392011-03-06T15:32:00.000-07:002011-03-06T15:35:06.385-07:00Circumstances: A Single Cell<style>@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }a:link, span.MsoHyperlink { color: blue; text-decoration: underline; }a:visited, span.MsoHyperlinkFollowed { color: purple; text-decoration: underline; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }</style> <p class="MsoNormal">Circumstances have little impact on how we live our lives, and yet we attribute so much power to them. We think that by changing our job, our location, our weight, or even our hair we will open up all new possibilities in our lives. Or conversely, we get into a car accident, get dumped, divorced or fired, and we feel as if it’s the end of the world. Buddhist philosophy teaches that good and bad things don’t happen to us, but rather we put those labels onto the events in our lives and treat them as one or the other. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Win the lottery = good. Get cancer = bad. Even though these “events” can precipitate either or both positive and negative consequences. Many lottery winners end up broke or in debt a few short years after their windfall, and we all know cancer survivors who say their diagnosis was the best thing that ever happened to them (I am one of them). </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand," said Randy Pausch, the now famous college professor who used his terminal pancreatic cancer diagnosis to teach others to really achieve their childhood dreams through his <a href="http://www.thelastlecture.com/"><i style="">Last Lecture</i></a>, which was also published as a book. While many of us would look at Randy’s life, and his three young children and shake our heads at the tragedy of it all, Randy himself focused on living, and his humor and intelligence in the face of death has inspired millions. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I am learning that circumstances don’t have to play any role whatsoever in how we feel because whatever is happening now will change soon anyway. Rising above current circumstances can have an amazingly transformative effect on our lives.<span style=""> </span>It is not so much the circumstances themselves that impact how we feel, but rather the story we tell ourselves about them. Of course we are going to react immediately to whatever the situation is, but after the initial shock wears off, we have the opportunity to choose how we frame it. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">For a long time, I lived with the story I’d concocted about why I was single. I told myself it must be because something was wrong with me, that I was unlovable or unworthy of a lasting relationship. Getting cancer and then having a hysterectomy piled even more evidence on because now I was also “damaged goods” and had even less chance of finding someone who would love me. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">On the flip side, I recently lost a significant amount of weight due to a new diet I have adopted because of a cancer recurrence. I look and feel better than I ever have in my life. I have enormous energy, and I get a lot of compliments. However, going from a size 12 to a size 6 hasn’t significantly altered the external circumstances of my life, no matter how many years I spent telling myself that life would be so much different if only I could lose 30 pounds. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Now, I have let both stories go, knowing that it wasn’t the circumstances of my weight or my single status that was affecting my life, but rather the story I was telling myself about both and so many other things too. Keep in mind that these “stories” were subtle, playing in the background of my beliefs. They were rarely conscious and obvious in my daily life. That is why these records can play for years and impact all of our interactions in life – because we don’t notice them. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">The stories in our lives were initially developed as a survival mechanism. Something happened that made us feel uncomfortable (or worse) and we made up a story about it in order to get through the pain, and unconsciously to try to avoid the same “mistake” again. Thus are beliefs cemented in our psyches and allowed to play there unnoticed, but affecting everything in our lives for years to come. The stories themselves aren’t good or bad either – they are simply a part of being human. However, they can limit our ability to live our lives as fully as we are capable of, and they can also make us miserable if we let them.<span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I have recently come across a tool to help release the limiting beliefs and stories that we all carry around with us. It is called by different names: EFT – Emotional Freedom Techniques or <a href="http://www.thetappingsolution.com/index.php">tapping<span style="text-decoration: underline;"></span></a> most commonly. It involves physically tapping on different points on your head and chest in order to release the stories that may be holding you back or causing pain. The tapping points correspond with energy meridians in the body – similar to acupuncture, reiki or other ancient Chinese healing tools. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">However, while counseling or techniques can be helpful in speeding the process along, you don’t need them to release your limiting beliefs. Sometimes a simple awareness of them is enough to help you begin the process of letting them go. So just start paying attention. What do you say to yourself when you eat half a chocolate cake in one sitting? Find yourself for the thousandth time in debt? Get in a fight with your parents? Lose your favorite pair of earrings? </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Start to listen to what you tell yourself, and you will be amazed at how often it is negative and unaffirming. I have often said that I say things to myself I would never allow anyone else to say to me. Most of life is lived between the ears. Our thoughts constitute most of our consciousness, and while there is nothing wrong with positive thinking and daily affirmations, they might not make much difference if your underlying story is telling you something completely different about yourself. </p>A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-76282289917799206802011-02-08T13:40:00.000-07:002011-02-08T13:41:32.790-07:00Comfort<style>@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }</style> <p class="MsoNormal">Mashed potatoes and gravy, roast beef, hot chocolate, warm homemade cookies and milk, macaroni and cheese, hot fudge sundaes and Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls .<span style=""> </span>.<span style=""> </span>. these are a few of<span style=""> </span>my favorite comfort foods. Maybe some of them <span style=""> </span>are also yours, or maybe you would add different ones to the list. They are those forms of sustenance that play a larger role; not just nourishing our bodies, but soothing our souls when things aren’t exactly right.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Things weren’t exactly right for me this past fall. In September I was diagnosed with a recurrence of ovarian cancer. I spent much of that month recovering from a hysterectomy and experiencing the side effects of having a lot fewer hormones coursing through my body .<span style=""> </span>.<span style=""> </span>. mood swings, fatigue, hot flashes, etc. I was also emotionally fraught trying to come to terms with the fact that though I had fought cancer and won four short years ago, another battle was looming. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">It is not the diagnosis so much as the treatment that causes so much dread in the heart of a cancer patient. I watch pharmaceutical ads on television that are required to state the long list of side effects – incontinence, depression, suicidal thoughts, night sweats, kidney problems, etc. etc. – and I wonder WHO would ever want to take these drugs? I have been through chemotherapy once, and I wasn’t eager to do it again. Though I tolerated the side effects well, it was still a miserable four months for me, and it took my hair more than a year to regain a somewhat normal state. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">This time though, I was mostly concerned about the long-term effects – the stuff they don’t necessarily tell you about unless you are savvy enough to ask. My savvy has been increased by friends who are experiencing secondary cancers that are a result of the TREATMENT from their primary cancer. WHAT? Chemo and radiation can actually cause cancer? When you hear the C word and you are scared, you will do whatever you’re told to rid your body of the ravaging monster of disease. But once you’ve already been down that path, and you know what it holds, the second time around can cause you to question things more. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">My questioning has led me to an alternative treatment plan this time. In some ways, this path has been MUCH easier than the first time. From outside appearances nothing really seems wrong. I look normal, feel really good and can function pretty much as I did before the diagnosis. Internally though, this time around has been somewhat harder. Emotional issues have distracted me from my normally productive frame of mind. I just haven’t felt as on top of things as I usually do. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I tried to be gentle with myself this fall as I adjusted to the lifestyle changes that are part of my alternative treatment plan, but I am my own worst critic, and it is sometimes difficult to turn off the voice that says I should be getting more done, should be more relaxed, should be less stressed. A wise friend told me years ago not to “should on” myself. That’s great advice, but not always so easy to follow. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I know that stress isn’t good for me, and most of the time I feel as if I’m controlling it pretty well, but no matter how many hours I log on my yoga mat, in meditation or soaking in a hot bath, worries about money or health insurance or future career paths or finding a soul mate manage to creep in. I know I can do a better job of accepting that where I am right now is perfect, and that the universe will support me in whatever I choose to do. Not only the universe, but those closer to home are supporting me as well. So many have been so great as I transition to a mostly vegan diet and give up sugar, white flour, meat, dairy and most processed foods. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Support is all around me from friends, family, colleagues and even total strangers. I am in a much better place than I would have been without all the support I continue to receive. However, support is very different from comfort, and I just haven’t felt very comforted. They say life disturbs the comfortable and comforts the disturbed. Perhaps I have been just too comfortable lately, and the universe is trying to shake things up a bit for me.<span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Maybe part of my discomfort is the fact that I’ve given up those foods listed above and can’t turn to them any longer when the going gets rough. I’m sure the fact that I live alone and don’t have someone here to hug me and talk to me about things on a daily basis probably plays a role. My mom came to stay with me for a week after my surgery, and she was so incredibly helpful cooking and cleaning and being with me for appointments and surgery itself, but comfort and nurturing and talking about feelings aren’t her strong suit. I am so appreciative of all she has done for me, but sometimes I just wish she would put her arms around me and tell me everything is going to be ok. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I love to travel, and I’m called to do it quite often for work, but lately, I’m much more appreciative of the comforts of home. With the new diet, even eating out can be a drag with my menu options reduced to 1-3 items typically. Full-on travel now requires a great deal more planning ahead than it used to depending upon where I’m going. I often have to take snacks with me, and be super-conscious of what, where and when I’m going to eat. Previously, I was the least picky eater ever, and would literally eat almost anything, but now, that reception food often doesn’t work for me, and neither does waiting to eat until all the meetings and events are over around 10 p.m. at conferences. I can’t even imagine trying to translate a menu from a foreign language into a meal option for me. It’s hard enough in English to weed out those things that don’t fit.<span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I’m sure in time it will get easier and become second nature to eat this way. That is happening already to some extent. For now, though, it’s easier to be home, to cook for myself, and to know what is in that sauce. Not only that, but I’m enjoying it. I never particularly liked to cook, but now I do. It doesn’t really make sense to me, but there it is. It feels good to know that I’m eating healthy, and it’s fun to discover new exotic foods and recipes and try them out. You might even say it’s comforting. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">We all need comfort in our lives. I still have hot tea – a huge source of comfort and warmth for me, especially in the winter. I am also grateful for the energy work and massage that I receive on a somewhat regular basis, and I am truly thankful for all the friends and family members who have told me they love me a little more often the past several months. I also appreciate down comforters, crackling fires in the fireplace and walks in the sunshine. Maybe if I pile enough of those up, after a while, I will feel comforted in a deeper way than a big bowl of macaroni and cheese could ever accomplish, though I did recently find a recipe for vegan mac and cheese, so who knows . . . I might be able to have some of those comfort foods after all. <span style=""> </span></p>A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-15020413046646530912011-01-22T12:17:00.000-07:002011-01-22T12:33:48.929-07:00HealthThree months after being diagnosed with cancer for the second time, I am healthier than I’ve ever been. Though it seems a bit strange, cancer has once again been the catalyst for some amazing changes in my life. I don’t need to continue having this “teacher” in my life (thank you very much for the lessons, but you have overstayed your welcome), but I can appreciate the upside nonetheless.<br /><br />Though I was a dutiful patient the first time around, following the prescribed “standard of care,” and completing six rounds of chemotherapy, the benefit of four years and lots of good reading led me down a different path this time. I chose not to put more toxic (and cancer-causing) chemicals into my body, and I’m following a natural healing path instead. That’s right! Did you know that chemo and radiation, standard cancer treatments, can actually cause secondary cancers down the road? I didn’t until recently.<br /><br />I am grateful to authors like <a href="http://cancerspot.org/tag/hollie-quinn/">Hollie Quinn</a>, <a href="http://crazysexylife.com/about/kris-carr-2/">Kris Carr</a>, and <a href="http://www.drweil.com/">Andrew Wei</a>l for helping me see a different possibility for myself, and I’m grateful for fantastic researchers like <a href="http://www.anticancerbook.com/">David Servan-Schreiber</a>, and <a href="http://www.thechinastudy.com/">T. Colin Campbell</a> for providing great information in their books, and for my naturopath and oncologist for being enthusiastic and supportive of my choice.<br /><br />Cancer is rising at a dramatic rate, and more and more young people are being diagnosed every year. No doubt, it is because of the toxic soup we drink, breathe, and eat every day, the chemicals and artificial colors and fragrances in our personal-care products and our general environment. Flame retardant, pesticides, and weed killer aren’t just tough on fire, bugs, and weeds! Despite supposed increases in survival rates with conventional therapies, the books have been cooked. Touted success stories are based on a five-year survival rate. And even those rates haven’t increased dramatically, and not for most cancers. Five years! I don’t know about you, but five years ain’t much to my way of thinking.<br /><br />My treatment plan consists of a healthy whole food, vegan diet, some natural supplements to balance out my hormones and ph levels, juicing veggies and drinking protein smoothies, controlling my stress through meditation and yoga, and getting moderate amounts of exercise at least three to four times a week. <a href="http://www.pmri.org/dean_ornish.html">Dean Ornish</a> has been using this type of holistic plan on patients with heart disease for years, and turns out it can help cancer patients as well. Sure it took a big C wake-up call for me to change my ways, but this lifestyle is healthy for anyone, and recommended if you want to avoid serious health issues in the first place.<br /><br />Want to know the biggest surprise of all? It has been way easier than I anticipated. For four years since my first diagnosis, I have been aware of the tremendous health benefits of this type of lifestyle, but I wrote it off as impractical. I decided I couldn’t do it before I even tried! Now that I’m actually doing it, I can report two things for sure: 1. It does take some adjustment and time to figure out how to live this way and 2. It is absolutely possible for anyone to do it. The big-time upside is that I look and feel great. My skin is amazing, I’ve lost twenty pounds, I have more energy, my fingernails are three times stronger, and I just feel good.<br /><br />I was so worried about all the things I would have to “give up,” in order to be healthy. Dairy? Really is it that bad for you? After reading <span style="font-style: italic;">The China Study</span>, I now have no doubt. No more ice cream or cheese? I have found great dairy-free ice cream alternatives (made with coconut), and haven’t missed cheese nearly as much as I thought I would, though I admit to cheating a few times on that one (though with just a small serving each time). I have been really shocked that I don’t seem to crave the bad things very often. I just made it through the holiday season, complete with my mom’s fantastic Christmas cookies, and while I did have a few of them, and some organic free-range turkey too, I didn’t need huge helpings of former favorites to feel satisfied. There were times I decided to give myself a treat—pumpkin pie or a frosted gingerbread man, and decided I didn’t want them after all, sometimes after a single bite or just a longing gaze.<br /><br />A bit more challenging has been figuring out what to eat instead of the former convenient fare I would grab or nuke. The biggest assist in this quest came from my sister’s awesome menu planning/shopping list. Plan a week’s worth of meals and shop for just what I need rather than just throwing a bunch of stuff in the cart and figuring it out later? (And throwing lots of food away after it spoiled from sitting in the fridge too long.) What a concept! We also put together a great binder full of yummy veggie recipes that I turn to regularly, along with some fave websites, for inspiration.<br /><br />I have never been a great cook, and I didn’t particularly enjoy it. Cooking for one has been a challenge for me, and I would get tired of the leftovers long before they were gone. In addition to the ease of giving up the bad stuff, I have been surprised by how much I’ve enjoyed my new lifestyle. I don’t dread meal planning, shopping and food prep anymore. I kind of like it. Perhaps it’s the simplicity of a whole foods diet. I mostly shop in the produce section now and don’t have to tool around the whole store for tons of items or processed ingredients because I rarely use them now. And I don’t make complicated sauces and numerous dishes now—just a mix of good fresh veggies either cooked or raw that typically go together pretty quickly. Steaming takes just minutes and my meals are generally ready much sooner without so many elements to time just right so everything is done at once.<br /><br />I know, I know, we are a nation on the go, in love with our convenience and fast-food options, and happy to pop a pill to cure our ills rather than change our lifestyle. I have zero interest in trying to convince anyone else to eat this way, but I have been amazed at the fascination and questions people have about this diet. I was drawn to a healthier way of life before cancer forced my hand as well, but don’t think I ever would have pursued it without a significant motivation. Now that I feel so great and am not enduring round two of toxic chemicals causing hair loss, nausea, body aches and other maladies (the cure is worse than the disease), I am pretty dang happy with my choice. I’ve included a lots of links to resources that helped guide me in case you’re interested. If you’re not, that’s perfectly fine too.A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-18537574339257373032010-10-28T19:12:00.000-06:002010-10-28T19:16:00.708-06:00Love and SurvivalSince my recurrence of ovarian cancer in mid-September, I have been doing a great deal of reading about what I could do to eradicate the cancer once and for all from my life. The studies on diet and exercise were not surprising, and I have radically changed my diet over the past three weeks. However, the importance of emotional well being and social support have been very enlightening. The title of this column is the same as a book by Dean Ornish about this very topic. He cites numerous studies about the key role played by family, friends, spouses and social connections such as church/synagogue or other community associations in fighting illness. <br /><br />It turns out that being single can be a predictor of shorter survival times and an increased chance of recurrence. And the studies don’t just relate to cancer patients, in fact, Ornish’s work is primarily with heart disease, but the findings suggest that even the common cold can be better protected against with quality social networks and interaction. When we hear the term “social networks” today, we think of tools like Facebook and Twitter. Ornish wrote his book before these networks were available, but he does suggest that virtual relationships are not as meaningful as real face-to-face ones. Sometimes modern society can make us feel connected when we really aren’t. <br /><br />The most striking study was conducted by Dr. David Spiegel and colleagues at Stanford in 1989. Published in the British journal The Lancet, they studied women with metastatic breast cancer. Spiegel initially set out to prove that social connection DID NOT have an impact on survival. Participants in the study were divided into two groups – both of which received the same conventional treatments such as chemotherapy, radiation and surgery. One group also met together for 90 minutes each week over the course of a year to talk about the impact of the disease on their lives. They became comfortable enough to share their feelings openly, including fears of disfigurement, abandonment and even death. <br /><br />Five years later, Dr. Spiegel reviewed the data and was shocked to discover that women in the support group lived on average twice as long as the control group, and all of the women in the group without support were dead. Dr. Spiegel wrote the book Living Beyond Limits about the extraordinary findings of this study. Other studies have shown that support groups as short as six weeks long have had similar outcomes for the people who attended regularly. Each study controlled for diet, exercise, family history and other factors that typically impact disease and found significant advantages to social connection even beyond these other factors.<br /><br />So, does that mean that those of us who are single are doomed to get sick more often and die sooner than our married or partnered friends? Absolutely not! In fact, marriages with problems – a great deal of disagreement or stress – have been shown to produce negative effects as well. As evidenced above, support can come in many forms: a close network of friends with whom you can share your fears, or even a support group of other people who understand what you are going through, a close family, strong ties to a religious or other community and a willingness to be vulnerable enough to truly open yourself up to others. That last factor is perhaps the most difficult for many of us, and yet, the most important to truly offer authentic connection. It isn’t the quantity of support that matters, but the quality!<br /><br />Other factors that have been proven to influence healing and well being:<br /> Roommates or living with family<br /> Pets<br /> Touch – massage, reiki or just holding the hand of a friend<br /> Community involvement, service<br /> Yoga and meditation (or other relaxation techniques)<br /><br />If you are single and battling cancer or some other illness, connecting with the people in your life, or finding new sources of support, may be the most important thing you can do for yourself. Ask for what you need. Whether it’s talking on the phone more regularly, going out for a walk, sharing coffee once a week, visiting or hosting a friend or sibling for a weekend, joining a support group, participating in group meditation or yoga classes, serving others directly, or any number of other things you can do to connect with the world around you. <br /><br />Experiencing this again has been incredibly difficult for me. Being told you have cancer the first time is shocking. You know your life has changed, and you are scared and uncertain about the future. Hearing you have cancer AGAIN, can be devastating. You know what to expect in some regards, how difficult it will be, and how much time it will take from your normal activities. It can feel like a betrayal of sorts. You have been there, done that, and thought it was in the past. <br /><br />This recurrence has reinforced for me, how very important it is to provide a source of support for single people who are experiencing serious illness or injury. A new organization and support network, Solo Survivors, is in the works, though it may be a bit slower in gearing up given my own personal challenges at the moment. This dream started because I wanted to help others who were going it alone, but now I will get to figure out how to help myself in order to serve others. “We cannot hold a torch to light another’s path without brightening our own.,” as Ben Sweetland so aptly stated.A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-10800960066394634842010-09-24T11:33:00.000-06:002010-09-24T11:34:14.558-06:00Power: A Single CellMy birth number suggests power and abundance as two dominant traits in my life. Really? I have never felt especially powerful or abundant in the traditional sense, but lately, I’ve been examining these terms in non-traditional ways and discovered that I have quite a bit of both. <br /><br />I have an abundance of friends. Truly I am so fortunate to continue to meet amazing people who support me so well when the going gets tough, in addition to celebrating the good times with me. I am blessed with good friends, near and far. I also have an abundance of freedom. I work from home for a non-profit that I founded, and can organize my days and months the way I see fit. I can go to a yoga class at 10 a.m. or the middle of the afternoon if I like or take a week off to visit my family. I can work when and how I like – from anywhere. There is a still a tremendous amount that needs to be done each day as the only employee of this organization, but I can do it when and how I like from a coffee shop or Timbuktu (not that I’ve been there). <br /><br />Money has never been especially prominent or abundant in my life, but I am discovering that I have other types of abundance that make up for that in the form of friends who are willing to share their talents with me for free – guitar lessons, massages, coaching and healing sessions, time in their vacation homes. He is truly rich who has good friends.<br /><br />Power has often seemed like an undesirable trait to me because so often those who have it abuse it for their own gain and to the detriment of others. To want to be powerful is thus seen as perhaps not an entirely wholesome thing for this reason. However, I have embraced my birth trait of power in the sense that I would like to have the power to help people, to inspire and to make a difference. I recently recognized that I am powerful in other ways as well when my subconscious intervened to bring to light some new cancerous nodules growing in my abdomen. <br /><br />Since finishing treatment for ovarian cancer about four years ago, I have had regular follow ups with my oncologist which included CT scans and blood tests to watch for signs of recurrence. The visits had gone from every three months for the first two years to every six the last year and a half. When I saw him in February, my doctor decided we would stop doing CT scans since there had been no sign of trouble, and he was reluctant to continue exposing me to radiation unnecessarily (which has been proven to cause cancer). <br /><br />My gynecologist is the one who originally diagnosed me after removing what we had thought was a benign cyst on my right ovary. We were all surprised when it turned out to be a rare form of ovarian cancer. She was comfortable with stopping the CT scans, but wanted to replace them with ultrasounds so that we could still get a look at anything that might pop up in there. I had my first one in April and got the all clear. The next one was scheduled for six months later – October. <br /><br />This is where things get a little wacky. I had orders on my desk to schedule my six month follow up with my oncologist in August, and also for my October ultrasound, but when I went to schedule my doctor appointment, my brain told me that I needed to have the diagnostic test BEFORE that appointment, so I called the hospital and scheduled the US for early July. I have had enough mammograms, ultrasounds and all manner of diagnostic testing by now to know that I need to take the orders from my doctor with me when I show up at the hospital for the tests. They also remind you when they call to pre-register you a few days before. <br /><br />Nonetheless, I showed up for my ultrasound on July 8th without the written orders. If I had taken them and the nurse who checked me in had asked for them, as she was supposed to do, she would have quickly seen that they said October and would have sent me packing. As it went down, it wasn’t until the technician was about to take me back that she said she couldn’t perform the test without my orders, and I realized I had forgotten them. Did I have time to go home and get them? Should I reschedule? “No,” she said. “You’re here now. I’ll just call your gynecologist’s office and have them fax them over.” They rewrote the orders for July and faxed them right over, and I got the test. <br /><br />I knew immediately that something was wrong when the technician asked me to get dressed and hang around for a moment while she shared the tests with the radiologist to see if he needed anything else. They don’t do that when there is nothing to see – something was in there. This feeling was confirmed the following evening when I was sitting in the park reading and my gynecologist called to ask why I had gotten an ultrasound three months early (that was the first time I realized I had), and to tell me thank goodness I did because three small nodules were showing up that were cause for concern. <br /><br />This call came after 5 p.m. on a Friday evening of my first weekend at home with no plans in months. I was looking forward to relaxing, reading, catching up with friends and taking it easy. My doctor told me NOT to sit around worrying about this all weekend, and I vowed not to, but it was tough. The initial shock of thinking the cancer might be back was tremendous. I immediately called a friend I had just spoken to and my voice broke as I left her a message about what was going on. Then I took some deep breaths, calmed down and went back to my book. <br /><br />Luckily, the next afternoon, I had a meeting with my coach who reminded me that I could worry about this for the next month until I saw my oncologist, but it would only make me miserable. He was right, and from that moment, I literally put it out of my mind, and refused to let it weigh on me. For two months, between this test and my surgery, which confirmed the cancer was indeed back, I carried this knowledge with me and DID NOT let it impact my emotions. Now that is POWER! A friend recently bought me Michael J Fox’s latest book A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Future (which I highly recommend). In it, he offers this advice: “Never imagine the worst case scenario. It almost never comes true, and in the event that it does, you’ve lived through it TWICE.” We can’t control what happens to us in life, but we have 100% power over how we respond to it. <br /><br />Next month: Here we go again. More about my treatment, challenges and triumphs this time around.A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-55951475924163507342010-09-02T09:02:00.000-06:002010-09-02T09:06:16.392-06:00I Don't Have Time for Cancer <meta name="Title" content=""> <meta name="Keywords" content=""> <meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"> <meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"> <meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 2008"> <meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 2008"> <link rel="File-List" href="file://localhost/Users/tracymaxwell/Library/Caches/TemporaryItems/msoclip/0clip_filelist.xml"> <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:documentproperties> <o:template>Normal.dotm</o:Template> <o:revision>0</o:Revision> <o:totaltime>0</o:TotalTime> <o:pages>1</o:Pages> <o:words>830</o:Words> <o:characters>4735</o:Characters> <o:company>HazingPrevention.Org</o:Company> <o:lines>39</o:Lines> <o:paragraphs>9</o:Paragraphs> <o:characterswithspaces>5814</o:CharactersWithSpaces> <o:version>12.0</o:Version> </o:DocumentProperties> <o:officedocumentsettings> <o:allowpng/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves>false</w:TrackMoves> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:drawinggridhorizontalspacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing> <w:drawinggridverticalspacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing> <w:displayhorizontaldrawinggridevery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery> <w:displayverticaldrawinggridevery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> <w:dontautofitconstrainedtables/> <w:dontvertalignintxbx/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="276"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--> <style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:Calibri; panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} @font-face {font-family:Cambria; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} a:link, span.MsoHyperlink {mso-style-noshow:yes; color:blue; text-decoration:underline; text-underline:single;} a:visited, span.MsoHyperlinkFollowed {mso-style-noshow:yes; color:purple; text-decoration:underline; text-underline:single;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style> <!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal">Perhaps the most common reaction when faced with a cancer diagnosis is fear for your life, and I certainly had that, at least initially. I was lucky though, and was diagnosed early – stage II – so I never really thought that I might die. What bothered me most about cancer was the interruption to my life.
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<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">At the time of my diagnosis, I was the CEO of a small company, a whitewater canoe guide and an active volunteer with several different organizations. Just days before Memorial Day in 2006, I was told I had ovarian cancer, and I was immediately annoyed that I would have to be recovering from surgery and starting chemo during the fantastic Colorado summer! I labeled 2006 my “lost summer” as a result.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">After four years guiding whitewater canoe trips on western rivers, I had just been handed my dream schedule with three trips on river sections I hadn’t done before. I was so looking forward to paddling the Dolores with its excellent rapids, the Colorado River above Moab and the famed five-day stretch of the Green River into Canyonlands National Park in Utah. I had never gotten that great a canoe schedule before, and I haven’t since. The only trip I got to do that summer was the guide trip three weeks before I was diagnosed. I still haven’t paddled the Dolores either!
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<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">As if that weren’t bad enough, I had just booked a trip to Alaska for the week after Memorial Day. Plane tickets had been purchased and reservations made for an adventure in Juneau three years in the making. It ended up being my one-year cancerversary celebration the following summer instead! I had been scheduled to present at two conferences, and had reservations at Mesa Verde – still one of the few national parks in the region I haven’t yet made it to.
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<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I recognize my good fortune at having the luxury of annoyance rather than the fear of death. All things considered, I would take that again any day. But for a busy person like me with barely a free moment in my schedule to begin with, having to give up precious time in the mountains or on the river to sit in a chemo room, or lie on the couch recovering from surgery when the sun was shining was really trying. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I very much resented cancer’s interruption of my life, and the time required to fight the disease. . .time away from work that was important to me, traveling (which I love), and outdoor activities that feed my soul. It also cost me quite a bit of money – about $8,000 all told in doctor co-pays, prescription drugs and insurance deductibles. I would have put that money to such good use on awesome adventures if I hadn’t given it to cancer!</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Four years later, summer is nearly over, and I just returned from the canoe trip for single survivors that I have been planning for the past five months. This weekend, 14 people joined us from across the country to embark on a three-day adventure on the Colorado River. Since I have been talking about providing services for the single survivor crowd for three years, this is a BIG deal for me – the start of something new and exciting! It was a big deal for them too. The trip was so rewarding and fun for us all. Here are just a few of the comments from the weekend:</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="">“Thanks for four of the best days of my life. It’s been a LONG time since I’ve felt joy and at peace, and this weekend I felt both. Also, I feel hopeful again and inspired to get out there and really live. Thank you SOOO much!”</span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style=""><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style=""><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="">“I just wanted to say thank you for this weekend. It was something I really needed and came at the right time. I’m sure everyone on the trip had the best time of their lives, and you touched more lives than you can imagine - not just those attending, but those who are their friends, their family… etc. It’s quite amazing to see the change in people and you were the catalyst for that change. It was an honor to be a part of this event and I can’t thank you enough….”</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The response has been tremendous, and we have a great database of people who are interested in future activities, even if three days camping on the river isn’t exactly their cup of tea or their schedule wouldn’t allow then to participate this time. We raised enough money to cover trip expenses above and beyond those generous organizations like <a href="http://www.centennialcanoe.com/">Centennial Canoe Outfitters</a> and <a href="http://marmot.com/">Marmot</a> who donated gear, <a href="http://www.greek101.com/">Greek101</a> who donated t-shirts, and giving individuals who donated cash or frequent flier miles to provide travel scholarships. We couldn’t have done it without the non-profit sponsorship of <a href="http://www.tamikaandfriends.org/">Tamika & Friends</a>, a rockstar planning committee, and river guides willing to donate their time and energy. Denver’s <a href="http://www.9news.com/news/article.aspx?storyid=147899&catid=188">9News</a> did a feature story on the trip two weeks prior that generated local interest and added a few participants to the roster as well.</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">This entire experience has given me a feeling of profound gratitude for all of the amazing individuals who have contributed to making this trip happen, and created the foundation for a new organization to serve single survivors (<i style="">Solo Survivors</i>? Looking for a good name for the new venture – if you have ideas, email <a href="mailto:asinglecell@gmail.com">asinglecell@gmail.com</a> - would like for it to emphasize connection and relationship rather than alone-ness). <span style=""> </span>If you are a single cancer survivor, and would like to be added to the mailing list for future events, please let us know.
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<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Even if you are sick and tired of the hot weather and mosquitoes wherever you are, enjoy these last few weeks of summer. Get outside and do something fun. It will be cold before we know it, so appreciate the season and share it with friends. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <!--EndFragment--> A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-20372597233678350832010-07-30T06:38:00.000-06:002010-07-30T06:40:38.283-06:00Gratitude <meta name="Title" content=""> <meta name="Keywords" content=""> <meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"> <meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"> <meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 2008"> <meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 2008"> <link rel="File-List" href="file://localhost/Users/tracymaxwell/Library/Caches/TemporaryItems/msoclip/0/clip_filelist.xml"> <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:documentproperties> <o:template>Normal.dotm</o:Template> <o:revision>0</o:Revision> <o:totaltime>0</o:TotalTime> <o:pages>1</o:Pages> <o:words>653</o:Words> <o:characters>3726</o:Characters> <o:company>HazingPrevention.Org</o:Company> <o:lines>31</o:Lines> <o:paragraphs>7</o:Paragraphs> <o:characterswithspaces>4575</o:CharactersWithSpaces> <o:version>12.0</o:Version> </o:DocumentProperties> <o:officedocumentsettings> <o:allowpng/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves>false</w:TrackMoves> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:drawinggridhorizontalspacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing> <w:drawinggridverticalspacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing> <w:displayhorizontaldrawinggridevery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery> <w:displayverticaldrawinggridevery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> <w:dontautofitconstrainedtables/> <w:dontvertalignintxbx/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="276"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--> <style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:Cambria; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style> <!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p>It is so easy to get wrapped up in what is missing from our lives. The lack of boyfriend, fulfilling job or fat paycheck can loom large in our thoughts causing us frustration and disappointment.<span style=""> </span>We tell ourselves that we need certain things to be happy, which only makes us “needy.” </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Our thoughts then become a self-fulfilling prophecy, insuring that our focus on what’s lacking will create more of the same. We say things to ourselves that we would never allow others to say to us. These negative thoughts such as, “I will always be alone,” “I’m not good enough,” “I’m too fat,” contribute to a deep feeling of unworthiness that will keep us from getting what we want. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Oprah’s promotion, several years ago, of Sarah Ban Breathnach made gratitude journals all the rage for a while. Her books instructed us to write down five things a day we were grateful for. At the time, I had just broken my ankle in three places, couldn’t drive, walk or carry anything because of my crutches, and wasn’t feeling particularly grateful. But I started a gratitude journal anyway and was amazed at how easy it was to come up with five or more things a day to thank the universe for. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Focusing on and appreciating what we have is the best way I know to create more good things in our lives. Let’s face it - just by virtue of living in the United States or another first-world country, we have it better than most people in the world. Access to clean water, healthy food and medical care are givens in our lives. We are surrounded by abundance and comfort, and somehow we still find a way to lament the fact that we haven’t had a vacation in a while. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Over the years, I have often complained about “being alone.” In between boyfriends or during a dry dating spell, as friends around me got married and started families, I felt sorry for myself for what was missing. The loneliness, and sometimes even despair, was so palpable in my life that it blinded me to all the good things. The truth is that I have never been alone. I could literally drown in the sea of love in which I have been fortunate enough to swim my entire life. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Getting cancer was a fantastic reminder of just how many people care about me. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support from friends, family, co-workers, people I hadn’t seen or been in touch with for years, friends of friends, religious communities and cancer-related organizations just to name a few. I received more than 300 cards, not to mention all the flowers, gifts, meals and visits. Oh, and the people in my life raised nearly $10,000 for ovarian cancer research in my honor. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I am astounded that I could be in the midst of all of that and still feel alone in any way, shape or form. I may live alone in a one-bedroom condo, work from home without colleagues around and file my taxes as a single person, but I am FAR from alone! I am truly and deeply loved by so many people. If you took stock of your life, you would realize that you are too. Sometimes it takes something “bad” such as an illness or injury to help us realize all the “good” in our lives. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Recently, a friend from high school committed suicide. I hadn’t seen him in years or been in touch with him other than becoming Facebook friends.<span style=""> </span>He still lived in our rural hometown in Kentucky and had recently gotten a well-publicized DUI. Speculation runs high that it strongly contributed to his decision to take his own life. Many on Facebook have commented about how many times they considered reaching out, but didn’t. He clearly felt desperate and alone to have made the decision that he did. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">There are times in life when we all feel alone and lonely. That feeling is not reserved for those of us who are single or divorced. It is possible to be standing in a river of love and support and feel as if you are dying of thirst. And you don’t have to create an illness or injury in your life to be reminded of the love that is there. Just reach out. It is when we are feeling the most alone and vulnerable that we have the most difficult time opening up and sharing what feels shameful to us. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I am profoundly grateful for the love of my family and so many friends, and I love my life so much! I know that it will be enhanced when I find a partner to share it with, but it’s pretty freaking amazing right now. Take stock of what you have, and I know you’ll feel the same way. And if you haven’t done it in a while, reach out and tell someone in your life how much they mean to you. </p> <!--EndFragment--> A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-26718575393750667732010-07-30T06:25:00.000-06:002010-07-30T06:29:58.202-06:00FulfillmentOriginally written May 23, 2010
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mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal">Today is my four-year cancerversary. I was diagnosed at age 36 with a rare form of ovarian cancer, but I was lucky. We caught it early, and treatment was successful. Approximately 10 months after my initial diagnosis, I was declared cancer-free, and all of the follow-ups have been positive ever since. While the physical symptoms of cancer and the side effects from treatment have left my body, the emotional and psychological impacts likely never will completely. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Even though I am among many survivors who have declared cancer one of the best things that ever happened to me, there are still psychological downsides that arise when I least expect it – sometimes I recognize them and their source immediately, and other times, they are completely unconscious, and yet, the impact is still there. My story is not unique, and one aspect of it has resonated for me, and also with others who are part of this club none of us chose to join.<span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Cancer is tough, and I believe that even when surrounded by the best team in the world made up of friends and family, a significant other, great doctors, a supportive workplace, etc. etc, in the end, each person still goes through cancer alone. No one else can ever really understand what it feels like.<span style=""> </span>When you are single, that lonely feeling can be exponentially greater. Even with all the supportive elements above, not having someone there 24/7 to support you during the darkest hours can be really hard. Just being single can sometimes bring up feelings of unworthiness or despair. Adding a life-threatening illness on top of that can be a big double whammy!</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style=""> </span>A recent survey of single cancer survivors highlighted some common themes:</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 0.75in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol;"><span style="">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Nearly 80% report feeling alone. </p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0.75in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol;"><span style="">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Just over 83% experience body image issues from scarring or other cancer side effects such as weight gain, missing body parts or hair loss.</p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0.75in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol;"><span style="">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->65% have concerns about fertility.</p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 0.75in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol;"><span style="">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Almost 85% feel anxiety or inadequacy about dating and sexuality because of the above. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The top needs expressed by this population were:</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol;"><span style="">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Connections with other similar survivors (77%)</p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol;"><span style="">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->A book or other information about dealing with cancer as a single person (67%)</p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol;"><span style="">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Information about dating/sexuality (62%)</p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol;"><span style="">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Healing touch such as reiki, massage, etc. (61%)</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">For more than three years now, I have been talking about finding a way to serve this segment of the cancer survivor population. Even before I finished treatment, people who read my regular online updates suggested that I write a book, and I have been writing a monthly column about my experiences as a single survivor since 2007. You can see the archives and read them each month here: <b style="">http://tinyurl.com/divinecaroline-SingleCell</b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I have also immersed myself in the cancer community attending summits and young adult alliance meetings with the Lance Armstrong Foundation, participating in cancer camps and retreats from kayaking to meditation, serving as an “Angel” for two different organizations and becoming particularly involved with groups serving young adults. The people I have met along the way have been amazing. They have helped me feel WAY less alone, and been so supportive as I try to figure out how best to serve singles with cancer. <span style=""> </span>After three years of talking, I am finally beginning to gain some momentum, and I am thrilled to report that three events are in the works:</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style=""><span style="">1.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><b style="">Canoeing & Connection: An Adventure for Singles with Cancer</b> August 27-29, 2010<span style=""> </span>This three-day canoe trip on the Colorado River is for single survivors who are 21 and older and at least three months post-treatment. Sponsored by Centennial Canoe Outfitters and Tamika & Friends, this trip promises to be a fun and relaxing weekend in the beautiful canyons of Colorado and Utah. Go here for more information:<span style=""> </span><a href="http://tinyurl.com/canoe-connection"><b style="">http://tinyurl.com/canoe-connection</b></a></p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style=""><span style="">2.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><b style="">Singles with Cancer: Bootcamp</b> Date and Location TBD (possibly November 2010) Sponsored by i2y – The I’m Too Young for This Cancer Foundation, this one day program will focus on the issues single survivors say are most important to them: dating anxiety, sexuality, body image, fertility, etc. </p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style=""><span style="">3.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><b style="">Love and Power: A Relationship Retreat for Singles with Cancer</b> Valentines 2011<span style=""> </span><span style=""> </span><span style="">Offered in cooperation between Revolutionary Wisdom and Tamika & Friends, this retreat will address issues specific to singles with cancer while also delving into something deeper. It will not just be a workshop, but a weekend to help you tap into what is important to you and to connect with others. Love.</span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><span style="">Companionship. Intimacy and sexuality. These are vital aspects of our most intimate relationships in life,<b> </b>and finding ways to enhance and support these aspects of our relationships is important. For those of us who are single, these aspects<span style=""> </span>are often the primary reasons we seek to enter into new relationships. <i>Yet there is something greater which is possible -- a Soulful Relationship.</i></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">If you are interested in being involved with any of these events either as a planner or participant, please contact me at asinglecell@gmail.com.</p> <!--EndFragment--> <!--EndFragment--> <!--EndFragment--> A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-11956204162026479472010-03-31T08:32:00.000-06:002010-03-31T08:47:36.071-06:00Seeing Things Differently<meta name="Keywords" content=""> <meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"> <meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"> <meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 2008"> <meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 2008"> <link rel="File-List" href="file://localhost/Users/tracymaxwell/Library/Caches/TemporaryItems/msoclip/0/clip_filelist.xml"> <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:documentproperties> <o:template>Normal.dotm</o:Template> <o:revision>0</o:Revision> <o:totaltime>0</o:TotalTime> <o:pages>1</o:Pages> <o:words>894</o:Words> <o:characters>5099</o:Characters> <o:company>HazingPrevention.Org</o:Company> <o:lines>42</o:Lines> <o:paragraphs>10</o:Paragraphs> <o:characterswithspaces>6261</o:CharactersWithSpaces> <o:version>12.0</o:Version> </o:DocumentProperties> <o:officedocumentsettings> <o:allowpng/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves>false</w:TrackMoves> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:drawinggridhorizontalspacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing> <w:drawinggridverticalspacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing> <w:displayhorizontaldrawinggridevery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery> <w:displayverticaldrawinggridevery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> <w:dontautofitconstrainedtables/> <w:dontvertalignintxbx/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="276"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--> <style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:Cambria; 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mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria;} </style> <![endif]--> <!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p>Wikipedia says that experiencing <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Betrayal">betrayal</a> can produce similar feelings as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) – called betrayal trauma. It gives examples of situations that can give rise to this phenomenon: discrimination, bullying, hazing and false arrest. As someone who works in hazing prevention, this hit home to me on a professional level. Being betrayed by someone in whom we have placed our trust can be emotionally devastating, leaving deep wounds and trust issues in its wake.
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<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I have experienced these types of betrayals a few times in my life, and the feelings that come with them are deeply seared into my psyche – shock first, then disbelief, anger, upset, hurt. It is natural to replay events for signs you may have missed that your trust was misplaced. We often blame ourselves in some way, allowing feelings of unworthiness to take hold and make us believe we deserved it somehow.<span style=""> </span>We always blame the betrayer, allowing our righteous anger to shun the offender and carry us through what might otherwise be unbearable despair. Making someone else wrong means we get to be right, and “right” feels morally superior to “duped.”</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Over the past seven months or so, I have been participating in programs offered by <a href="http://www.landmarkeducation.com/">Landmark Education</a> that along with previous work such as A Course in Miracles and the work of <a href="http://www.thework.com/index.asp">Byron Katie</a>, have opened up to me a new way of being that literally allows me to see things differently. The basic premise being that we cause most of the despair in our lives by how we perceive an event, and that perception is molded by all the situations we have dealt with in our past. Something happens to us and we make up a story about what it means, and then we apply those stories to new events as they occur. This is human nature. It is a survival mechanism.</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">While these “stories” help us make sense of situations that cause us trauma or grief, they don’t serve our higher purpose. They allow us to get stuck in the story, wallow in self-pity, and make others wrong in order to feel right. We can literally transform ourselves by choosing to see things differently. It is not easy. It takes practice and sometimes coaching from someone who is not as attached to the situation as you are. Byron Katie’s work is helpful because she offers four questions you can walk yourself through for any situation in order to see what’s really true underneath the stories we have piled on.
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<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Those of us who have experienced cancer, know all about survival as a concept, as do people who have been assaulted in some way. "Surviving" seems like a great goal at the time that you are faced with something traumatic, and being a survivor is a badge of honor that we proudly wear. However, the new way of seeing things I describe below will help move you beyond simply surviving to thriving and opening yourself up to new ways of being that you didn't think were possible before.</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I recently had a chance to practice this in a situation that previously would have caused me weeks of depression, despair, judging, anger, processing, drama and beating myself up. I allowed myself to be swallowed up by it for a time – but for hours, not days. With the help of some good coaching and personal reflection, I was able to turn it around in less than 48 hours, forgive the betrayer and myself, take responsibility for my role in the scenario (probably the hardest part for most of us), and come out the other side feeling not just ok, but euphoric.
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<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">It is difficult to describe the power that comes with taking responsibility. When you can literally transform even the most harrowing of experiences by choosing to see them differently, you are no longer the victim, but the victor. You have control of every situation, relationship and experience and the power to either transform it into what you would like it to be or to let it go so it no longer has the power to hurt you. I still can’t quite believe I am able to do this. It is a miracle to me.
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<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">If you want to try transformation as a practice, I recommend the resources above, but you can also do it on your own by simple practicing these steps in the moment of despair, anger, hurt, frustration, worry, etc.<span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style=""><span style="">1.<span style=";font-family:";font-size:7pt;" > </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Sit still somewhere and center yourself with deep breaths, breathe evenly.</p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style=""><span style="">2.<span style=";font-family:";font-size:7pt;" > </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Meditate or pray and simply ask to see it differently. Over and over if necessary. This doesn’t usually come quickly. </p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style=""><span style="">3.<span style=";font-family:";font-size:7pt;" > </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Rather than placing blame, look for something you can take responsibility for – far from making you feel weak as someone who “gives in,” taking responsibility gives you the power to transform the experience for you. </p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style=""><span style="">4.<span style=";font-family:";font-size:7pt;" > </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Look for the “story” you have been telling yourself about the situation or about yourself or others involved. This is often based on past experience – “this always happens to me,” “I am so stupid,” “no one is ever going to love me,” etc. This can be a difficult step because our stories are our reality – they are the lens through which we view the world. They are such a part of us that they can be difficult to see. This is where an objective coach with some training might be helpful. </p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style=""><span style="">5.<span style=";font-family:";font-size:7pt;" > </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Be generous – what are the positives about this experience or person that you are currently struggling with? What opportunities is this experience opening up for you? How can your life be different as a result? </p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style=""><span style="">6.<span style=";font-family:";font-size:7pt;" > </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->It might help to journal or write a letter to the person or organization. Whether or not you send it, writing often helps us identify our own feelings so we can make sense of them. </p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style=""><span style="">7.<span style=";font-family:";font-size:7pt;" > </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Be authentic. This isn’t about ego or saving face or being right. It isn’t about making the other person wrong. Work through these elements in your writing or thought process – how you’re feeling (I statements), what you’re taking responsibility for, and perhaps what you request in order to heal and move forward. </p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style=""><span style="">8.<span style=";font-family:";font-size:7pt;" > </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Let go of any attachment to the outcome, especially in relation to the other person. Your request may go unfulfilled or even completely unheard. That doesn’t matter. You can still forgive and let go even if the other party doesn’t feel or show remorse, admit responsibility or even receive the communication. This process is about transforming the experience for YOU alone.</p><p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="text-indent: -0.25in;">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I truly hope you will give transformation a try. I can’t even begin to describe the positive impact it has had on my life to be able to see things differently.<span style=""> </span></p> <!--EndFragment--> A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8024660963753700673.post-32932112149325165192010-03-02T21:26:00.000-07:002010-03-02T21:28:45.731-07:00Love in a BagEvery year, I volunteer for a local Denver service called <a href="http://www.projectvalentine.org/">Project Valentine</a>. On or around Valentine’s Day, a team of drivers fans out across the metro area to deliver Valentine’s goodie bags to chemo patients – 600 this year. The annual project was founded by Colleen Anderson, an ovarian cancer patient – like me – who had her first chemo treatment on Valentine’s Day 2001. Though Colleen succumbed to her cancer in 2007, her project lives on, and brings smiles to cancer patients each February.<br /><br />When you have a needle in your arm or a port on your chest and you’re attached to an IV bag dripping poisonous chemicals into your body for several hours, it’s amazing how little it takes to bring a smile to your face. I would revel in the friends who came to sit with me during treatment, take-out lunch delivered to my chemo chair, the hand-knit hats and scarves made by volunteers, and even the cheesy song accompanied by balloons performed by the staff for each patient’s last treatment.<br /><br />Of course, it’s great to deliver goodie bags, see the smiles on patient’s faces, receive the hugs and thank yous, but so many people work hard year-round to make this project possible. Fundraising, seeking product donations, craft days, stuffing, sorting and picking up the bags for delivery all have to get done as well. There are countless volunteers who organize and work hard behind the scenes with little thanks or recognition. That is why I’m taking the opportunity of my column to thank them for all that they do to make this program possible. I am hoping their work will inspire you to do something great in your own community.<br /><br />The Obamas have done a great job of encouraging service on Martin Luther King Day, as so many past presidents have also highlighted service as one of the best contributions American’s can make. Jimmy Carter has played a large role in the work of Habitat for Humanity. George Bush Sr. emphasized the Thousand Points of Light, which inspired the foundation of the same name, now merged with the Hands On Network. Bill Clinton founded the Clinton Global Initiative, whose mission is to encourage investment, grow the economy and create jobs through private-public partnership. <br /><br />Martin Luther King said, “Everyone can be great, because everyone can serve.” There is something each of us can do to brighten someone’s day, and God knows there is so much to be done. You don’t have to be president to do something great. Look at Colleen. From founding your own non-profit, to volunteering with one in your community or just writing a check to a cause you support, you can serve in whatever way is best for you. Charities are really suffering in this economy, and anything you can give will be gratefully received. Out of work? How about donating some of your now abundant free time to a good cause. Jim Pancero said, “Doing something for nothing is better than doing nothing for nothing.”<br /><br />I used to make it a point to send valentines to all of my single friends. V-Day, or “Singles Awareness Day” if you prefer, is tough on those without partners. Imagine how tough it is to be single AND have cancer. Yikes! That’s why one of my goals this year is to expand Project Valentine to send goody bags to single cancer patients around the country. I’m not quite sure yet how I’ll pull this off, but I plan to partner with some great organizations that are already doing good work such as <a href="http://www.chemoangels.net/">Chemo Angels</a>, <a href="http://i2y.com/">I’m Too Young For This</a> and <a href="http://imermanangels.org/">Imerman Angels</a>. If you have ideas about how to identify single cancer patients or make this project work, please share them with me, or feel free to share ideas you have for a project of your own. Thanks for what you do to make your community a better place.A Single Cellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13029894648989389094noreply@blogger.com0