A Single Cell

Touch

2012-01-24T07:47:00.000-08:00

Studies in orphanages and hospitals stress that infants deprived of skin contact lose weight, become ill and even die. To thrive newborns need touch as much as food. As children we instinctively seek out touch when we need it, and ask to be hugged or cuddled by our parents. As we grow older, we may not experience as much physical touch in our lives, and might not feel as comfortable asking for it.

Nothing can make us feel loved more than being touched. A pat on the arm, a back rub, a hug, or someone stroking our hair all send the message, “I care about you.” “You are loved.” When we don’t get this kind of physical contact, it can significantly contribute to feelings of loneliness and separation.

When I was going through cancer treatment, I had reiki sessions once a week to help me deal with the side effects. The sessions were seriously discounted and offered through a local program just for cancer patients. This “laying on of hands,” from an ancient Asian healing practice made a major impact on my nausea, bone aches and other chemotherapy side effects. Looking back on it now, I also recognize how emotionally healing it was during that difficult time to receive loving touch for an hour each week.

Programs like this one offer a valuable service to their clients during one of the most difficult times of their lives. I serve on the board of a similar organization that helps patients heal and reconnect with their bodies after treatment is complete through massage therapy. Cancer patients can often feel as if their bodies have betrayed them, and treatment takes a toll on even the most otherwise healthy person.

Massage can help patients deal with lingering pain or sensitivity in certain body parts. It also helps move toxic chemicals out of the system, and provides a sense of rejuvenation to the to the body. But perhaps the most significant part of the process is the opportunity to talk with a provider about what you’re going through as a patient or survivor, and to experience the connection that comes from allowing yourself to receive therapeutic touch.

When we are “sick,” people can be afraid they are going to hurt us in some way if they hug too hard or touch the wrong spot. If we have ports, IVs or other tubes and wires coming from our bodies, especially in the hospital, people can be even less willing to reach out physically. Let people know it’s ok and where there might be sensitive areas to avoid. Go a step further and let your loved ones know when you need to hold someone’s hand, get an extra-long hug or a foot rub. Whatever makes you feel connected and loved – be willing to ask for it.

I have used energy work such as reiki, healing touch and acupuncture to deal with many of the side effects of treatment and of menopause following my hysterectomy. All have had a profound impact on my physical issues, but perhaps just as strongly, if not more so, on my emotional well-being. The act of receiving is powerful, and all of these healing modalities ask only that you relax and allow yourself to receive the healing energy and touch being provided. There is something very profound about being able to receive in this way without any expectation of reciprocation. There are few times in our lives when we can do that, and many of us are not very good at receiving.

I had a conversation recently about physical affection. It was refreshing in the context of a romantic relationship to have someone tell me the type of affection he appreciates. We often expect people we are intimate with to be able to figure it out, or to read our minds about what makes us feel loved and connected. Even more ludicrously is when we get upset with them if they don’t give us what we want and need. Being able to recognize your own needs and communicate them to others is essential.

Saying to someone – whether they are a romantic partner, a friend or family member – “Can you hold my hand?” can feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you practice it, the more natural it seems. “I like it when you rub my lower back,” is a great phrase to insure you get more of what nurtures you. “Cuddling with you as we fall asleep is one of my favorite parts of the day,” not only communicates what you like, but acknowledges the other person for what they give to you.

Single people may not get as much affectionate touch as they need to feel healthy, connected and loved. As society becomes less dependent upon each other for our physical survival, the emotional connections we have had with others historically have also fallen away. Just because we no longer need the community to hunt and kill our food, or to live collectively to share the tasks of daily survival, doesn’t mean we are any less dependent upon each other for physical affection.

Living alone and being independent is becoming more and more the norm in modern society, and that can mean that many of us are starved for human touch and affection. My friend was brave enough to share how difficult is was for him to have grown up without a great deal of affection in his home, and now as a single adult, how isolating it could be to come home from a difficult day at work and not have someone to share that with or give him a hug and let him know it was going to be ok.

His confession brought tears to my eyes because I often felt the same way going through cancer treatment. Not having someone there to help you make the difficult decisions that need to be made about your health and treatment can leave you feeling overwhelmed, but not having someone there to give you a hug and tell you everything’s going to be ok is devastating.

Intuition

2011-12-29T13:44:00.000-08:00

It’s been described as a still small voice deep inside each of us, a whisper, a gut feeling. What is intuition really, and how can we tell when it’s speaking to us? I have been thinking about this topic and having some breakthroughs on listening to my own intuition, and woke up this morning determined to write about it when I noticed in my email inbox an excellent piece by Martha Beck on just that. (see link below)

Her description of the two personalities of intuition hit me like a ton of bricks. I had just completed a weekend spiritual seminar in which I realized how fully I typically dismiss my intuition. I simply chalk it up to something else – some fantasy, or daydream of my conscious mind, and not really something deeper that can be trusted and followed to bring me greater joy.

Last January I participated in a retreat for cancer survivors at the famous Miraval spa in Arizona, and one afternoon I attended a program on intuition. At one point we were asked to partner with someone next to us who we didn’t know, and exchange a personal item – a piece of jewelry or clothing. We were led through a brief meditation to get centered and then told to pay attention to any messages we were getting about the person whose item we held.

Immediately, I saw images of a beautiful brown horse, and almost as instantly, I dismissed them as not the REAL message I was supposed to be focusing on. My logical brain reasoned that these images were only coming to mind because I knew, of course, that Miraval was famous for its Equine Experience. I had been hearing about how amazing this program was since the minute I’d set foot on the property. I forcefully tried to clear the horse images from my mind so I could sense something personal about this woman sitting next to me. The horse popped up again and again and I got so frustrated with myself that I couldn’t seem to do this. The entire exercise was less than 90 seconds long, but I made myself wrong for most of that time.

When the facilitator asked us to share with our partners, I reluctantly told her what I had “seen.” She exclaimed, “I JUST finished the Equine Experience and it was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever done.” When I described the horse I had seen, she confirmed that indeed her horse had fit that description. She told me in turn that when she held my ring in her hand, she wanted to slump to the floor and take a nap. I told her I had just come from one of the most relaxing yoga classes I’d ever taken, and had actually fallen asleep at the end of shavasana. I do yoga regularly and that had never happened to me before.

The stories shared by other participants around the room were equally amazing. They ranged from images, like mine, to physical sensations and even emotions. One woman got a pain in her hand, and her partner confirmed that she had severe arthritis in that exact spot. You’d think such an amazing experience would help me to better recognize and trust my own intuition, but sadly, it didn’t.

You might be able to tell from what I’ve shared so far, that I’m a bit of a retreat junkie. I love personal and professional development, and take advantage of any opportunity I’m given to participate in a workshop, retreat or seminar. The cancer crowd loves these sorts of things, and they often ask us to tap into our feelings or spirit in some way. I have seen people have incredibly profound experiences and share tremendous and life-changing insights they have gained through these events.

I, on the other hand, have beat myself up that I “must be doing it wrong,” because I just don’t seem to be having the same level of insight or emotional reaction or deep understanding. I remember a visualisation once to find our spirit guides where people described seeing a tiger or lamb or horse and feeling a strong connection. I saw nothing, and was so mad at myself for not getting it. The truth is I probably did see something, and dismissed it as not important or profound enough and therefore, not memorable or worth sharing.

Perhaps you can identify with how quickly we are willing to believe a negative thought or emotion we have. You make a strong connection with someone and then they don’t call and you tell yourself you made it all up. The connection wasn’t really there. In this way, you begin to doubt yourself. These negative thoughts are easier to believe than the idea that someone might actually like us, but has just been too busy to call or got distracted by life.

I recently had one of these experiences AGAIN, and as the negative thoughts, beating myself up, feeling hurt and questioning my feelings began to gain momentum the words TRUST LOVE floated through my consciousness. If I dismissed it, and let my worry take over, it came through again, and again, and again, until finally I stopped imagining the worst case scenario and listened to my intuition to trust.

I believe it is actually our highest self that allows us to feel the emotions to begin with. It is the best part of us that opens us up to vulnerability and trust and love. It is the ego that beats us up, questions anything good, and tries to make us feel unworthy or unlovable. The ego screams at us in a way that is difficult to ignore, and so we usually believe it. Intuition whispers and calms, and invites us to step into a better way, and because it’s so soft and non-intrusive, we often miss it. Or even worse, hear it and dismiss it.

Recently, I had a vision during a meditation in which we were asked to receive guidance and messages about our lives. As I have many times before, I dismissed what I saw as a product of my conscious brain that was getting in the way of what I was REALLY supposed to be seeing. I forcefully tried to push it from my mind, but it persisted. The image is one I’ve actually seen many times before but hadn’t given much thought to. It is this: me, in a white dress, on a hillside with the sun shining down, getting married to a man in a kilt. I have always imagined myself marrying a man in a kilt. I assumed this image came to me because my family heritage is Scottish on my dad’s side, and my favorite book series features a strong Scottish Highlander as its main character.

However, what if it’s the other way around. What if I was drawn to those books because I have a stronger connection with Scotland than my family heritage? Perhaps I am destined to marry a man in a kilt with sparkling blue eyes and a heart-melting brogue. I don’t know if I am or not, but I do know that I met such a man at the same event where I had the vision, and that I feel a very strong connection to him. Whether the vision comes true or not with this man or another, I know one thing for sure. I am NOT dismissing my intuition this time. I’m going to trust it and see where it leads me.

Are there times in your life when you ignored an intuitive feeling?

Can you think of a time when you listened to your intuition?

What is the benefit of trusting this higher part of yourself?

Martha Beck piece on Intuition

Commitment

2011-12-07T19:24:00.000-08:00

Commitment might seem like a strange topic for a column about single life, but a couple of things happened to me this week that demonstrated the power of commitment and I knew I had to write about it.

I loved Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Committed. It was all about the history of marriage, her disdain for it as a concept and her eventual surrender to it. My sisters are both married, and one of them told me once that she could feel secure through the rough times in her marriage – the disagreements and arguments and tensions – because she knew her husband wasn’t going anywhere. They were committed, and therefore safe to share their true feelings, allow themselves to be vulnerable and assert their perspective. As a single person, that resonated so deeply with me, and confirmed my willingness to wait for that kind of relationship as well.

It also reminded me of the power of commitment in all areas of life. This quote by W.H. Murray, of the Scottish Himalayan Expedition sums it up: "Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets: 'Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it! Boldness has genius, magic, and power in it.”

This was brought home to me this week in a big way. Since I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 2006, I have been saying I was going to write a book about my experience as a single survivor. I have been writing this column diligently every month for more than four years now, and in the back of my mind, I always thought perhaps someone might stumble upon it and want to publish it. I have no idea how many people read it regularly, and I get only occasional feedback about its impact on readers, so I really had no idea how easy it was to “stumble upon” my writing. Well, this week it actually happened. A publisher contacted me out of the blue to talk about A Single Cell the book.

Now, it’s important to talk about the role of commitment in all of this. Because for five years I have been talking about writing a book, and hoping to be discovered, but it wasn’t until I made a commitment and took action that it actually happened. Let me share what I’ve been up to the past few months. In April I bought a book How to Bring Your Book To Life this Year by Andrea Constantine and Lisa Shultz. In July, I joined a book group of women who are committed to writing books. We are reading the aforementioned book, meeting monthly to talk about our books and holding each other accountable. Through this process, I have been thinking about my book, doing the exercises in the book I’m reading, brainstorming titles and I have declared publicly that my book will be published by the end of 2012.

I have ideas for three books, and I have been diligently practicing learning to receive (the topic of my last column) because I thought that would be the book I’d write this year. If I hadn’t been practicing my receiving, I might not have taken my friend Mike up on a generous offer he made me a month ago – to join him at an author conference in Las Vegas last week. This event was rife with publishers, agents, marketing gurus, book designers and others. I couldn’t afford to attend this event on my own and almost said no to Mike’s offer to go as his guest and share his hotel room for free because even the plane ticket and meals were a stretch for me.

However, because I allowed myself to receive that gift from Mike, I made great connections, learned a ton about the publishing industry and most importantly, began to see myself as an author and speaker with a message that can make a difference to people. I came home and started putting together a press kit, surprising myself at how many media interviews I have done over the past few years on this topic – on television, radio and in magazines. I stayed up late to work on this one night, and the very next day, a publisher came knocking on my door. Coincidence? Absolutely not! Whether or not this publisher is the one actually doesn’t matter either, because my commitment to getting published will carry me toward the right path. It is the commitment that is most important.

I have mentioned Mike Dooley and his Thoughts Become Things mantra before. I heard him speak recently at a signing for his new book Leveraging the Universe, and what he shared fully supports this idea. I should point out that I have heard this message a million times from other speakers, authors, gurus and friends as well. There is always a moment in time, though, that cements something we have heard before and we really learn it, and see how it applies to our lives. The way Mike Dooley phrases it is this: set an intention, and give it to the universe – don’t worry about HOW it will come to pass. By fixating on a certain path, we limit other opportunities that might not even be on our radar. Let the universe find the most efficient and effective path for your intention. Your job is just to put it out there in the world.

At my Unitarian Universalist church, we light a chalice at the beginning of each service, and at the end, when we extinguish it, we say the following: We extinguish this flame, but not the light of truth, the warmth of community, or the fire of commitment. These we carry in our hearts until we are together again. I wish for you the fire of commitment. Take a moment to explore and write down the things you are committed to today. It is only through setting the intention and/or making the commitment that they will come to you. Once it is set, let go of any fixation on the way it might come to fruition.

I am committed to:

Living an adventurous life

Enjoying complete freedom over my schedule

Making a contribution in the world through my words and actions

Generating abundance in the form of love, prosperity and joy

What are YOU committed to?

Learning to Receive: A Single Cell

2011-10-09T12:47:00.001-07:00

It was only recently that I recognized how many masculine traits I have. From driving hard, doing, doing, doing and being fiercely independent, to wanting to maintain control and being purpose-driven. I have never thought of receptivity as a particularly female trait. Considering the nurturing nature of women I viewed giving as more feminine. A recent course I took on Feminine Power, helped me recognize the feminine traits of internal focus, emotion and relatedness – all of which I have in spades; and the being over doing, surrendering and love-driven traits that are not so present in me.

Receiving stood out, however, as something I don’t do well. From compliments, to help, to prosperity, I tend to deflect more than accept. I’m not sure where this began - as a small child likely. I can almost see myself, curly blond hair, age 3, stomping my foot and saying defiantly, “I can do it myself.”

It’s not clear whether I ever believed asking for help denoted weakness. There have certainly been times in my career that I’ve been lazy and asked others for answers I could have easily found myself. Asking was quicker and more efficient. I also craved recognition for my accomplishments. I didn’t need awards or honors (though I did receive some), but a pat on the back for a job well done. Defensiveness was a wall I hid behind whenever anyone criticized me, or my work. It was never my fault.

I think I also come off as demanding in work settings because asking feels uncomfortable, so my requests appear more as commands. I remember working at Girl Scout Camp, supervising a staff of two, and saying, “you be in charge of this,” and “you be in charge of that.” I didn’t ask or request, because, yes, now that I think about it, that definitely feels like a weaker position. What if they said, “no?” Where would I be then?

I have always prided myself on being independent and self-sufficient. When I received a new TV for Christmas one year and faced the task of getting it into my house after driving it 8-hours from Kentucky to Wisconsin, where I lived at the time, I chose to carry it by inches rather than asking someone to help. First, I hefted it out of the car. Then I carried it four feet and set it down. Another four feet. Then another. And another. Up the front steps, one at a time. Then up the inside stairs, one at a time. It probably took me 45 minutes to get it into the house fully, and I’m sure the temperatures were frigid as well. Why did I put myself through that? Because being independent was easier than asking for help?

Recently, I’ve come to understand that wasn’t the case at all. Feelings of worthlessness masqueraded as independence. Intellectually, this was a difficult one for me to wrap my head around for a really long time. I KNEW I wasn’t worthless. I KNEW I was valuable and valued. I KNEW I was worthy of receiving help from others (and love, and admiration and kindness). The worthiness issues were buried deep inside of me, as they are for many, many people in our society. So deeply, we don’t even recognize them ourselves.

In the vein of everything happening for a reason, a few things happened to force me to learn to ask for help, and it was only then that I began to see the underlying feelings that had kept me “independent” for so long. First, I broke my ankle on a ski trip to Lake Tahoe, which forced me onto crutches and into a cast on my right leg. It was winter in Colorado. I lived on the second floor with outside stairs. I couldn’t drive. Daily life became an endurance sport. I couldn’t even make a cup of tea and carry it across the room, much less cook easily, grocery shop, take out the garbage or any number of other simple tasks we all take for granted every day. Asking for help was a huge chore, and I did it only when I absolutely had to.

Looking back at that difficult three months, I recognize that it taught me how to ask in order to survive the next big challenge five years later when I was diagnosed with cancer. I definitely couldn’t have made it through two surgeries and six rounds of chemo without strong support, and asking was much easier the second time around when I could actually articulate what I needed both physically, and this time around, emotionally more so as well.

It was only through a great deal of transformational work that I have finally begun to really recognize how my own worthiness issues manifest. I tend to give WAY more than I receive, and recently realized the seeds of this in my feeling that people would only like me if I was helpful and giving. I didn’t feel that just being me and showing up was enough. So if I had to give to be liked, I sure as hell wasn’t going to ASK for anything. Then I would really be a burden on people!

Finally, it is my ever-present financial issues that have really helped me recognize the ways I practically repel money by working for less than I am worth, failing to take responsibility for cash flow and manifesting problems such as car trouble, illness and household breakages with big price-tags. Don’t worry, I also manifest abundance right when I need it and in amazing ways in the form of refund checks I wasn’t expecting, financial gifts, gift cards, and bonuses at exactly the right time. I am learning to believe I’m worthy of more and ask for it in many areas of my life, and will continue to do so.

WOW! That’s a lot of personal history to share. So now that I have had all these aha moments and transformational breakthroughs, what am I doing about it? Well, I’m glad you asked. Here are some things I am practicing in order to learn to receive:

· I keep a receiving journal to record all the things I receive each day.

· I practice gratitude for all that I have, and have posted “gratitudes” as my Facebook status for a few weeks now.

· I visualize what I desire in my life without worrying about “how” I might receive them – knowing that thoughts become things (Mike Dooley, TUT.com).

· I consciously ask for help at least twice a day whenever possible.

· I break patterns whenever possible, doing things that I haven’t done or said before – this brings new energy and connections.

· I am also planning to write a book about this practice, and where it gets me, because I believe undervaluing ourselves is a fairly universal experience.

I request that you share your own worthiness issues, breakdowns, breakthroughs, realizations and struggles with me in the comments section, or privately through asinglecell@gmail.com

Transformation

2011-08-18T11:29:00.000-07:00

We have all heard the analogy of the caterpillar turning into the butterfly as it fights its way out of the cocoon. It seems a bit clichéd, but I honestly can’t think of a better one to describe the past couple of years for me. I feel as if I’ve truly transformed from a crawling kind of creature, with some beauty to it for sure, into a flying, brilliant butterfly. At first, it seemed odd to me that my friends weren’t noticing. “Hey, I’m flying now, can’t you see?” They noticed how great I LOOKED because of my significant weight loss, but they weren’t seeing the transformation in my spirit, the lightness, the joy, the calm with which I was now approaching life.

Then suddenly it hit me! To them - my friends, family, colleagues, and even acquaintances - I had ALWAYS shown up this way. Wow! It was only to myself that I had ever been a plodding, ground level, unspectacular caterpillar. To the outside world, I had always been a beautiful and special butterfly. It is my inner life that has been transformed in such a profound way that no one but me really noticed. This reinforces the idea that life is lived between the ears. Our inner dialogue is constantly running, and most of the time it is spouting limiting or even damaging beliefs about ourselves – “I’m not good enough,” “I will never be. . .”, “I can’t do that,” “I don’t deserve. . .” These thoughts are so ingrained, so automatic, that we don’t even notice them, but they are doing a number on our psyches.

Mike Dooley tells us in no uncertain terms that “Thoughts become Things,” and encourages us to think the good ones. A friend recommended his site and daily messages from the Universe, and I have thoroughly enjoyed both. The premise is not much different from that of The Secret or any number of other Law of Attraction tomes that are so popular these days, and honestly, I’ve read most of them. They key is in doing something.

As was reinforced in a program put on by my non-profit this summer, we know that knowledge alone does not alter behavior (KADNAB if you are looking for a catchy acronym to help you remember). If it did, we’d all be perfectly proportioned, healthy, non-smokers with plenty of money and free time. (smile) We may KNOW what is good for us, or how to live sustainably, but that doesn’t mean we actually DO it. This was brought home to me painfully one fall when I participated in a Green Team group through my church. I have always prided myself on being quite the environmentalist, but when it came down to assessing my actual practice, all my knowledge meant very little as I wasn’t really doing as much as I thought to protect the Earth.

When I tried to look up transformation for a definition I could share, I found a number of scientific, mathematic and genetic descriptions. Even one about how cells become malignant (interesting), but nothing that came close to what I am talking about. I have been doing transformational work, and though it has made such an impact in my life, even I have a difficult time describing it sometimes. I have a profound appreciation for the gurus who teach these courses, and how tough it must be for them to describe what they do and the impact their education can make on individuals.

For me, transformation is about the following: (at the most basic level)

How I show up in life – appear to others and my own perspective

How I view situations – blame others or circumstances or take responsibility

How I relate to people – with distrust or benefit of the doubt

How I view the world – connected or separate

How I view myself – whole and complete or lacking significantly

It is also about recognizing that we are all human. We all formed our worldview from very specific painful things that happened to us in the past, usually at a time when we were too young to view them subjectively. At the point that X happened, we made up a story about what it meant, and by God we have stuck by that story ever since, finding more and more evidence to support its truth along the way. That perspective has brought us what we expected, and it is usually more of the same.

Changing perspective is not easy. It takes recognition of our stories, a willingness to explore them, and continual practice. It takes self-reflection, and a willingness to take responsibility for the ways in which we create our own lives. Our stories are so front-and-center, that it often takes peeling back many layers to really get to the truth (if there is such a thing) about what is really going on. Even after being immersed in this practice, and having taken many courses that help me do this, I still fall into old patterns make people wrong and settle into my story much more often that I like, but this work means I don’t beat myself up about that either – as if that helps! It is not something that is “fixed” and forgotten – it is a practice like yoga or meditation - one that you just show up for over and over and over again. But when you do, the results can be incredible!

What can you transform?

Your relationship with your parents?

Your relationship to money?

Your view of yourself?

Your view of Republicans or terrorists or gay people?

What can you take responsibility for?

The fact that you have been playing the victim?

The way you react when someone pushes your buttons?

The way you spend money or eat when you are feeling depressed?

The way your hurt others when you are feeling hurt?

What can you gain from seeing things differently?

Love instead of fear?

Tolerance instead of hate?

Joy instead of sadness?

Peace instead of conflict?

The butterfly in you is striving to come out. Let it fly!

Escape

2011-07-05T17:10:00.000-07:00

“If you like pina coladas, getting caught in the rain, and the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne. If you like making love at midnight in the dunes of the Cape, you’re the love that I’ve looked for. Come with me and escape.”

As the popular 1970s song by Rupert Holmes suggests, sometimes we all feel the need to escape. Possibly just for a few minutes or an hour when the pressure feels like too much, and sometimes for longer. I just returned from a week-long escape – and one of the best vacations I’ve ever had. I feel so relaxed and happy, and literally enjoyed every single minute of my time away. It’s so rare that we can say that.

This experience has prompted me to give some thought this morning to escapes, and which ones are healthy as opposed to not so good for us. I do plenty of both from time to time, and it is starting to become clear which ones really serve my well-being.

In our culture, television is often used as an escape, and while it may feel good for a bit to veg out in front of the tube, it rarely makes me feel more relaxed. In fact, the opposite is often true. I have recognized lately that watching tv up until I go to bed gives me strange dreams and less than restful sleep. Mini-escapes that have been good for me are yoga, taking a walk, reading, writing, talking to a friend or meditation.

Many people also escape into alcohol or drugs or food. While I like a cold beer or a nice glass of wine occasionally, I have found that I’m much happier when I don’t allow myself to be carried away by overindulgence. The after-effects are never pretty, and while this kind of escape might feel good for a bit, it is rarely all its cracked up to be.

We were talking on the drive home about how sometimes you need a vacation after your vacation because you come home so exhausted from travel and mile-a-minute sight seeing, trying to cram everything into a limited amount of time. I have definitely had vacations like that. We travel to someplace cool and want to see and do everything while we are there. It definitely doesn’t make for much relaxation.

I am a planner, and thus, prefer to plan each day’s activities in order to make the most of the time. My experience has told me that failing to plan often means that a great deal of time is wasted in making decisions each day – especially when trying to satisfy a group. It also has meant that opportunities are missed as tours or other activities sell out early.

However, over-planning can leave you exhausted as much as under-planning can leave you rudderless. Finding that sweet spot of having some plans for each day coupled with a good amount of free time for the group to split up and do their own thing or just lie on the beach with a magazine is key to a well-rounded escape. Of course, it goes without saying that finding the perfect group of friends to go with makes a big difference as well.

This past week paddling down the Green River was perfect for many reasons:

1. Ideal weather – neither too hot or too cold, no bugs, and sunny the entire time. Crazy wind on day three meant we didn’t make many river miles, but high water and fast current also gave us many opportunities to kick back in our boats with a beer in our hands and float rather than paddling hard through what is called Stillwater Canyon for a reason.

2. Great Group – everyone got along swimmingly, did their fair share of the work, discovered mutual interests in hiking, playing games and being goofy and found plenty to talk about. In my experience this is pretty rare. I feel lucky indeed to have such good friends to do trips like this with.

3. Good Planning – a six-day river trip takes a fair amount of planning on the front end, and again, the group divided tasks well from getting permits to gathering needed gear, planning menus and grocery shopping, packing gear and coolers in such a way to fit everything into four boats, etc. etc. Even divvying up the expenses at the end was fairly painless, and done over breakfast in an hour on the last morning.

4. Gorgeous Scenery – WOW! It is impossible to describe the stunning beauty of paddling through soaring cliff faces of red rock, and feeling most of the time as if we had the river all to ourselves. Swimming in Water Canyon in a beautiful blue-green swimming hole of the perfect temperature followed by lunch and a nap in the shady, sandy glen beside it was the perfect end to a perfect trip.

I have returned home from this escape with a busy few weeks coming up, and only a few days before a work trip, but I feel perfectly prepared to handle everything that is coming because I had such a good escape. I wish the same for all of you this summer as well.

Intimacy: A Single Cell

2011-04-21T06:02:00.000-07:00

I got your attention with that title, didn’t I? Notice how intimacy has become a code word for sex in our society? Yes, it can refer to what we do in the bedroom, but what I am talking about is the more traditional definition: “a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of.”

True intimacy comes from allowing yourself to be vulnerable, opening up and sharing what you are going through. We often hide our feelings because we are ashamed of them, feel needy if we express them, or think that we are the only people who feel this way. It is only by opening up to someone else authentically that we can really connect.

Yes, anyone can read our Facebook status and know what we are up to, but we rarely post what we are really FEELING. I’m not knocking the value of social media for sharing information and keeping in touch, but it is not a tool that promotes intimacy. I can post this column on my Facebook page, and give readers a deeper insight into my thoughts and feelings, but true intimacy doesn’t come through a computer screen or a text message. The feelings are much too complicated and personal to be effectively expressed through those mediums.

Intimacy requires you to take a risk, and allow yourself to share what you are feeling. Have you ever had this thought: I want to call my friend, but I haven’t talked to her in a while, and I am calling now because I am struggling. I can’t call just to dump my problems on her again. I should wait until I’m feeling happier? Here’s a tip for you – that is precisely when you should reach out to someone in your life. Friends are not just there for the good times, and they want to be allowed in when we are going through something difficult. That is what true intimacy is.

A friend disclosed to me once that she had been avoiding being in touch because, “I am your funny friend. The one who makes you laugh, and lightens the mood, and I just haven’t been feeling that way lately.” I was surprised at how strong my reaction was to this. I was actually angry that she had shut me out when she was going through something difficult and needed me the most. Once she was open about what was going on, it made it easier for me to share my struggles, and we had one of the deepest and most meaningful conversations we had ever had. That wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t been able to share her fears and insecurities.

So often in life we put on a happy face, push down our real feelings and wear a mask that hides from the outside world (and even those closest to us) what is really going on. Every time we do this, we miss an opportunity to truly connect with another human being. Perhaps the most surprising thing about vulnerability is that it rarely goes unreciprocated. When we open up about something in our lives that is causing us pain, it gives others permission to do the same.

Think about all the times you have felt a certain way, but felt scared to express it for whatever reason. So instead, you make an assumption about what is really going on, you beat yourself up for your role, or more likely, you make someone else wrong for “making you” feel this way. Sometimes we don’t share because we think that what we have to say will hurt someone’s feelings, or make them angry or push them away. But when we share authentically, without blame or judgment, we instead open up an opportunity for a deeper connection.

How much better would our relationships be if instead of suppressing our feelings or morphing them into something else – most anger comes from a place of hurt – we just shared them in the moment, with as much clarity and vulnerability as we could?

Instead of exploding in anger and blaming someone else for not calling when they said they would, imagine yourself saying, “I was really hurt that you didn’t call yesterday. Even though our plans were vague, we had agreed to spend the day together, and I am sad that we missed out on that time with each other.” Feel like weakness to “let someone off the hook” in this way? Think for a minute about what your response to a statement like the one above might be.

Then consider what your comeback would look like if you had heard this instead. “You are such a jerk! We had plans yesterday, and you totally blew me off! Did you think I had nothing better to do than sit around and wait for you? I can’t even believe I am with you. You are so insensitive.”

Both statements come from the same feelings, but the first is more authentic and feels WAY scarier because it comes from a place of vulnerability. The second masquerades as coming from a place of strength, which feels safer to us. One puts the other person on the defensive, creating distance, while the other allows an opening for not just a more civil discussion, but a more productive one.

Human nature is to “protect ourselves,” through saving face, wearing the mask and playing strong. It takes far more courage and strength to allow ourselves to be vulnerable by expressing what we are really feeling. Practice it the next time you find yourself in a situation like this. Once you see what happens when you respond differently, you will be hooked because of the results you create. I wrote a few months ago about love and survival, and the role that real connection plays in our health and well-being. It is only through allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable that we can create the kind of deep connection we crave.

Circumstances: A Single Cell

2011-03-06T14:32:00.000-08:00

Circumstances have little impact on how we live our lives, and yet we attribute so much power to them. We think that by changing our job, our location, our weight, or even our hair we will open up all new possibilities in our lives. Or conversely, we get into a car accident, get dumped, divorced or fired, and we feel as if it’s the end of the world. Buddhist philosophy teaches that good and bad things don’t happen to us, but rather we put those labels onto the events in our lives and treat them as one or the other.

Win the lottery = good. Get cancer = bad. Even though these “events” can precipitate either or both positive and negative consequences. Many lottery winners end up broke or in debt a few short years after their windfall, and we all know cancer survivors who say their diagnosis was the best thing that ever happened to them (I am one of them).

"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand," said Randy Pausch, the now famous college professor who used his terminal pancreatic cancer diagnosis to teach others to really achieve their childhood dreams through his Last Lecture, which was also published as a book. While many of us would look at Randy’s life, and his three young children and shake our heads at the tragedy of it all, Randy himself focused on living, and his humor and intelligence in the face of death has inspired millions.

I am learning that circumstances don’t have to play any role whatsoever in how we feel because whatever is happening now will change soon anyway. Rising above current circumstances can have an amazingly transformative effect on our lives. It is not so much the circumstances themselves that impact how we feel, but rather the story we tell ourselves about them. Of course we are going to react immediately to whatever the situation is, but after the initial shock wears off, we have the opportunity to choose how we frame it.

For a long time, I lived with the story I’d concocted about why I was single. I told myself it must be because something was wrong with me, that I was unlovable or unworthy of a lasting relationship. Getting cancer and then having a hysterectomy piled even more evidence on because now I was also “damaged goods” and had even less chance of finding someone who would love me.

On the flip side, I recently lost a significant amount of weight due to a new diet I have adopted because of a cancer recurrence. I look and feel better than I ever have in my life. I have enormous energy, and I get a lot of compliments. However, going from a size 12 to a size 6 hasn’t significantly altered the external circumstances of my life, no matter how many years I spent telling myself that life would be so much different if only I could lose 30 pounds.

Now, I have let both stories go, knowing that it wasn’t the circumstances of my weight or my single status that was affecting my life, but rather the story I was telling myself about both and so many other things too. Keep in mind that these “stories” were subtle, playing in the background of my beliefs. They were rarely conscious and obvious in my daily life. That is why these records can play for years and impact all of our interactions in life – because we don’t notice them.

The stories in our lives were initially developed as a survival mechanism. Something happened that made us feel uncomfortable (or worse) and we made up a story about it in order to get through the pain, and unconsciously to try to avoid the same “mistake” again. Thus are beliefs cemented in our psyches and allowed to play there unnoticed, but affecting everything in our lives for years to come. The stories themselves aren’t good or bad either – they are simply a part of being human. However, they can limit our ability to live our lives as fully as we are capable of, and they can also make us miserable if we let them.

I have recently come across a tool to help release the limiting beliefs and stories that we all carry around with us. It is called by different names: EFT – Emotional Freedom Techniques or tapping most commonly. It involves physically tapping on different points on your head and chest in order to release the stories that may be holding you back or causing pain. The tapping points correspond with energy meridians in the body – similar to acupuncture, reiki or other ancient Chinese healing tools.

However, while counseling or techniques can be helpful in speeding the process along, you don’t need them to release your limiting beliefs. Sometimes a simple awareness of them is enough to help you begin the process of letting them go. So just start paying attention. What do you say to yourself when you eat half a chocolate cake in one sitting? Find yourself for the thousandth time in debt? Get in a fight with your parents? Lose your favorite pair of earrings?

Start to listen to what you tell yourself, and you will be amazed at how often it is negative and unaffirming. I have often said that I say things to myself I would never allow anyone else to say to me. Most of life is lived between the ears. Our thoughts constitute most of our consciousness, and while there is nothing wrong with positive thinking and daily affirmations, they might not make much difference if your underlying story is telling you something completely different about yourself.

Comfort

2011-02-08T12:40:00.000-08:00

Mashed potatoes and gravy, roast beef, hot chocolate, warm homemade cookies and milk, macaroni and cheese, hot fudge sundaes and Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls . . . these are a few of my favorite comfort foods. Maybe some of them are also yours, or maybe you would add different ones to the list. They are those forms of sustenance that play a larger role; not just nourishing our bodies, but soothing our souls when things aren’t exactly right.

Things weren’t exactly right for me this past fall. In September I was diagnosed with a recurrence of ovarian cancer. I spent much of that month recovering from a hysterectomy and experiencing the side effects of having a lot fewer hormones coursing through my body . . . mood swings, fatigue, hot flashes, etc. I was also emotionally fraught trying to come to terms with the fact that though I had fought cancer and won four short years ago, another battle was looming.

It is not the diagnosis so much as the treatment that causes so much dread in the heart of a cancer patient. I watch pharmaceutical ads on television that are required to state the long list of side effects – incontinence, depression, suicidal thoughts, night sweats, kidney problems, etc. etc. – and I wonder WHO would ever want to take these drugs? I have been through chemotherapy once, and I wasn’t eager to do it again. Though I tolerated the side effects well, it was still a miserable four months for me, and it took my hair more than a year to regain a somewhat normal state.

This time though, I was mostly concerned about the long-term effects – the stuff they don’t necessarily tell you about unless you are savvy enough to ask. My savvy has been increased by friends who are experiencing secondary cancers that are a result of the TREATMENT from their primary cancer. WHAT? Chemo and radiation can actually cause cancer? When you hear the C word and you are scared, you will do whatever you’re told to rid your body of the ravaging monster of disease. But once you’ve already been down that path, and you know what it holds, the second time around can cause you to question things more.

My questioning has led me to an alternative treatment plan this time. In some ways, this path has been MUCH easier than the first time. From outside appearances nothing really seems wrong. I look normal, feel really good and can function pretty much as I did before the diagnosis. Internally though, this time around has been somewhat harder. Emotional issues have distracted me from my normally productive frame of mind. I just haven’t felt as on top of things as I usually do.

I tried to be gentle with myself this fall as I adjusted to the lifestyle changes that are part of my alternative treatment plan, but I am my own worst critic, and it is sometimes difficult to turn off the voice that says I should be getting more done, should be more relaxed, should be less stressed. A wise friend told me years ago not to “should on” myself. That’s great advice, but not always so easy to follow.

I know that stress isn’t good for me, and most of the time I feel as if I’m controlling it pretty well, but no matter how many hours I log on my yoga mat, in meditation or soaking in a hot bath, worries about money or health insurance or future career paths or finding a soul mate manage to creep in. I know I can do a better job of accepting that where I am right now is perfect, and that the universe will support me in whatever I choose to do. Not only the universe, but those closer to home are supporting me as well. So many have been so great as I transition to a mostly vegan diet and give up sugar, white flour, meat, dairy and most processed foods.

Support is all around me from friends, family, colleagues and even total strangers. I am in a much better place than I would have been without all the support I continue to receive. However, support is very different from comfort, and I just haven’t felt very comforted. They say life disturbs the comfortable and comforts the disturbed. Perhaps I have been just too comfortable lately, and the universe is trying to shake things up a bit for me.

Maybe part of my discomfort is the fact that I’ve given up those foods listed above and can’t turn to them any longer when the going gets rough. I’m sure the fact that I live alone and don’t have someone here to hug me and talk to me about things on a daily basis probably plays a role. My mom came to stay with me for a week after my surgery, and she was so incredibly helpful cooking and cleaning and being with me for appointments and surgery itself, but comfort and nurturing and talking about feelings aren’t her strong suit. I am so appreciative of all she has done for me, but sometimes I just wish she would put her arms around me and tell me everything is going to be ok.

I love to travel, and I’m called to do it quite often for work, but lately, I’m much more appreciative of the comforts of home. With the new diet, even eating out can be a drag with my menu options reduced to 1-3 items typically. Full-on travel now requires a great deal more planning ahead than it used to depending upon where I’m going. I often have to take snacks with me, and be super-conscious of what, where and when I’m going to eat. Previously, I was the least picky eater ever, and would literally eat almost anything, but now, that reception food often doesn’t work for me, and neither does waiting to eat until all the meetings and events are over around 10 p.m. at conferences. I can’t even imagine trying to translate a menu from a foreign language into a meal option for me. It’s hard enough in English to weed out those things that don’t fit.

I’m sure in time it will get easier and become second nature to eat this way. That is happening already to some extent. For now, though, it’s easier to be home, to cook for myself, and to know what is in that sauce. Not only that, but I’m enjoying it. I never particularly liked to cook, but now I do. It doesn’t really make sense to me, but there it is. It feels good to know that I’m eating healthy, and it’s fun to discover new exotic foods and recipes and try them out. You might even say it’s comforting.

We all need comfort in our lives. I still have hot tea – a huge source of comfort and warmth for me, especially in the winter. I am also grateful for the energy work and massage that I receive on a somewhat regular basis, and I am truly thankful for all the friends and family members who have told me they love me a little more often the past several months. I also appreciate down comforters, crackling fires in the fireplace and walks in the sunshine. Maybe if I pile enough of those up, after a while, I will feel comforted in a deeper way than a big bowl of macaroni and cheese could ever accomplish, though I did recently find a recipe for vegan mac and cheese, so who knows . . . I might be able to have some of those comfort foods after all.

Health

2011-01-22T11:17:00.000-08:00

Three months after being diagnosed with cancer for the second time, I am healthier than I’ve ever been. Though it seems a bit strange, cancer has once again been the catalyst for some amazing changes in my life. I don’t need to continue having this “teacher” in my life (thank you very much for the lessons, but you have overstayed your welcome), but I can appreciate the upside nonetheless.

Though I was a dutiful patient the first time around, following the prescribed “standard of care,” and completing six rounds of chemotherapy, the benefit of four years and lots of good reading led me down a different path this time. I chose not to put more toxic (and cancer-causing) chemicals into my body, and I’m following a natural healing path instead. That’s right! Did you know that chemo and radiation, standard cancer treatments, can actually cause secondary cancers down the road? I didn’t until recently.

I am grateful to authors like Hollie Quinn, Kris Carr, and Andrew Weil for helping me see a different possibility for myself, and I’m grateful for fantastic researchers like David Servan-Schreiber, and T. Colin Campbell for providing great information in their books, and for my naturopath and oncologist for being enthusiastic and supportive of my choice.

Cancer is rising at a dramatic rate, and more and more young people are being diagnosed every year. No doubt, it is because of the toxic soup we drink, breathe, and eat every day, the chemicals and artificial colors and fragrances in our personal-care products and our general environment. Flame retardant, pesticides, and weed killer aren’t just tough on fire, bugs, and weeds! Despite supposed increases in survival rates with conventional therapies, the books have been cooked. Touted success stories are based on a five-year survival rate. And even those rates haven’t increased dramatically, and not for most cancers. Five years! I don’t know about you, but five years ain’t much to my way of thinking.

My treatment plan consists of a healthy whole food, vegan diet, some natural supplements to balance out my hormones and ph levels, juicing veggies and drinking protein smoothies, controlling my stress through meditation and yoga, and getting moderate amounts of exercise at least three to four times a week. Dean Ornish has been using this type of holistic plan on patients with heart disease for years, and turns out it can help cancer patients as well. Sure it took a big C wake-up call for me to change my ways, but this lifestyle is healthy for anyone, and recommended if you want to avoid serious health issues in the first place.

Want to know the biggest surprise of all? It has been way easier than I anticipated. For four years since my first diagnosis, I have been aware of the tremendous health benefits of this type of lifestyle, but I wrote it off as impractical. I decided I couldn’t do it before I even tried! Now that I’m actually doing it, I can report two things for sure: 1. It does take some adjustment and time to figure out how to live this way and 2. It is absolutely possible for anyone to do it. The big-time upside is that I look and feel great. My skin is amazing, I’ve lost twenty pounds, I have more energy, my fingernails are three times stronger, and I just feel good.

I was so worried about all the things I would have to “give up,” in order to be healthy. Dairy? Really is it that bad for you? After reading The China Study, I now have no doubt. No more ice cream or cheese? I have found great dairy-free ice cream alternatives (made with coconut), and haven’t missed cheese nearly as much as I thought I would, though I admit to cheating a few times on that one (though with just a small serving each time). I have been really shocked that I don’t seem to crave the bad things very often. I just made it through the holiday season, complete with my mom’s fantastic Christmas cookies, and while I did have a few of them, and some organic free-range turkey too, I didn’t need huge helpings of former favorites to feel satisfied. There were times I decided to give myself a treat—pumpkin pie or a frosted gingerbread man, and decided I didn’t want them after all, sometimes after a single bite or just a longing gaze.

A bit more challenging has been figuring out what to eat instead of the former convenient fare I would grab or nuke. The biggest assist in this quest came from my sister’s awesome menu planning/shopping list. Plan a week’s worth of meals and shop for just what I need rather than just throwing a bunch of stuff in the cart and figuring it out later? (And throwing lots of food away after it spoiled from sitting in the fridge too long.) What a concept! We also put together a great binder full of yummy veggie recipes that I turn to regularly, along with some fave websites, for inspiration.

I have never been a great cook, and I didn’t particularly enjoy it. Cooking for one has been a challenge for me, and I would get tired of the leftovers long before they were gone. In addition to the ease of giving up the bad stuff, I have been surprised by how much I’ve enjoyed my new lifestyle. I don’t dread meal planning, shopping and food prep anymore. I kind of like it. Perhaps it’s the simplicity of a whole foods diet. I mostly shop in the produce section now and don’t have to tool around the whole store for tons of items or processed ingredients because I rarely use them now. And I don’t make complicated sauces and numerous dishes now—just a mix of good fresh veggies either cooked or raw that typically go together pretty quickly. Steaming takes just minutes and my meals are generally ready much sooner without so many elements to time just right so everything is done at once.

I know, I know, we are a nation on the go, in love with our convenience and fast-food options, and happy to pop a pill to cure our ills rather than change our lifestyle. I have zero interest in trying to convince anyone else to eat this way, but I have been amazed at the fascination and questions people have about this diet. I was drawn to a healthier way of life before cancer forced my hand as well, but don’t think I ever would have pursued it without a significant motivation. Now that I feel so great and am not enduring round two of toxic chemicals causing hair loss, nausea, body aches and other maladies (the cure is worse than the disease), I am pretty dang happy with my choice. I’ve included a lots of links to resources that helped guide me in case you’re interested. If you’re not, that’s perfectly fine too.

Love and Survival

2010-10-28T18:12:00.000-07:00

Since my recurrence of ovarian cancer in mid-September, I have been doing a great deal of reading about what I could do to eradicate the cancer once and for all from my life. The studies on diet and exercise were not surprising, and I have radically changed my diet over the past three weeks. However, the importance of emotional well being and social support have been very enlightening. The title of this column is the same as a book by Dean Ornish about this very topic. He cites numerous studies about the key role played by family, friends, spouses and social connections such as church/synagogue or other community associations in fighting illness.

It turns out that being single can be a predictor of shorter survival times and an increased chance of recurrence. And the studies don’t just relate to cancer patients, in fact, Ornish’s work is primarily with heart disease, but the findings suggest that even the common cold can be better protected against with quality social networks and interaction. When we hear the term “social networks” today, we think of tools like Facebook and Twitter. Ornish wrote his book before these networks were available, but he does suggest that virtual relationships are not as meaningful as real face-to-face ones. Sometimes modern society can make us feel connected when we really aren’t.

The most striking study was conducted by Dr. David Spiegel and colleagues at Stanford in 1989. Published in the British journal The Lancet, they studied women with metastatic breast cancer. Spiegel initially set out to prove that social connection DID NOT have an impact on survival. Participants in the study were divided into two groups – both of which received the same conventional treatments such as chemotherapy, radiation and surgery. One group also met together for 90 minutes each week over the course of a year to talk about the impact of the disease on their lives. They became comfortable enough to share their feelings openly, including fears of disfigurement, abandonment and even death.

Five years later, Dr. Spiegel reviewed the data and was shocked to discover that women in the support group lived on average twice as long as the control group, and all of the women in the group without support were dead. Dr. Spiegel wrote the book Living Beyond Limits about the extraordinary findings of this study. Other studies have shown that support groups as short as six weeks long have had similar outcomes for the people who attended regularly. Each study controlled for diet, exercise, family history and other factors that typically impact disease and found significant advantages to social connection even beyond these other factors.

So, does that mean that those of us who are single are doomed to get sick more often and die sooner than our married or partnered friends? Absolutely not! In fact, marriages with problems – a great deal of disagreement or stress – have been shown to produce negative effects as well. As evidenced above, support can come in many forms: a close network of friends with whom you can share your fears, or even a support group of other people who understand what you are going through, a close family, strong ties to a religious or other community and a willingness to be vulnerable enough to truly open yourself up to others. That last factor is perhaps the most difficult for many of us, and yet, the most important to truly offer authentic connection. It isn’t the quantity of support that matters, but the quality!

Other factors that have been proven to influence healing and well being:
Roommates or living with family
Pets
Touch – massage, reiki or just holding the hand of a friend
Community involvement, service
Yoga and meditation (or other relaxation techniques)

If you are single and battling cancer or some other illness, connecting with the people in your life, or finding new sources of support, may be the most important thing you can do for yourself. Ask for what you need. Whether it’s talking on the phone more regularly, going out for a walk, sharing coffee once a week, visiting or hosting a friend or sibling for a weekend, joining a support group, participating in group meditation or yoga classes, serving others directly, or any number of other things you can do to connect with the world around you.

Experiencing this again has been incredibly difficult for me. Being told you have cancer the first time is shocking. You know your life has changed, and you are scared and uncertain about the future. Hearing you have cancer AGAIN, can be devastating. You know what to expect in some regards, how difficult it will be, and how much time it will take from your normal activities. It can feel like a betrayal of sorts. You have been there, done that, and thought it was in the past.

This recurrence has reinforced for me, how very important it is to provide a source of support for single people who are experiencing serious illness or injury. A new organization and support network, Solo Survivors, is in the works, though it may be a bit slower in gearing up given my own personal challenges at the moment. This dream started because I wanted to help others who were going it alone, but now I will get to figure out how to help myself in order to serve others. “We cannot hold a torch to light another’s path without brightening our own.,” as Ben Sweetland so aptly stated.

Power: A Single Cell

2010-09-24T10:33:00.000-07:00

My birth number suggests power and abundance as two dominant traits in my life. Really? I have never felt especially powerful or abundant in the traditional sense, but lately, I’ve been examining these terms in non-traditional ways and discovered that I have quite a bit of both.

I have an abundance of friends. Truly I am so fortunate to continue to meet amazing people who support me so well when the going gets tough, in addition to celebrating the good times with me. I am blessed with good friends, near and far. I also have an abundance of freedom. I work from home for a non-profit that I founded, and can organize my days and months the way I see fit. I can go to a yoga class at 10 a.m. or the middle of the afternoon if I like or take a week off to visit my family. I can work when and how I like – from anywhere. There is a still a tremendous amount that needs to be done each day as the only employee of this organization, but I can do it when and how I like from a coffee shop or Timbuktu (not that I’ve been there).

Money has never been especially prominent or abundant in my life, but I am discovering that I have other types of abundance that make up for that in the form of friends who are willing to share their talents with me for free – guitar lessons, massages, coaching and healing sessions, time in their vacation homes. He is truly rich who has good friends.

Power has often seemed like an undesirable trait to me because so often those who have it abuse it for their own gain and to the detriment of others. To want to be powerful is thus seen as perhaps not an entirely wholesome thing for this reason. However, I have embraced my birth trait of power in the sense that I would like to have the power to help people, to inspire and to make a difference. I recently recognized that I am powerful in other ways as well when my subconscious intervened to bring to light some new cancerous nodules growing in my abdomen.

Since finishing treatment for ovarian cancer about four years ago, I have had regular follow ups with my oncologist which included CT scans and blood tests to watch for signs of recurrence. The visits had gone from every three months for the first two years to every six the last year and a half. When I saw him in February, my doctor decided we would stop doing CT scans since there had been no sign of trouble, and he was reluctant to continue exposing me to radiation unnecessarily (which has been proven to cause cancer).

My gynecologist is the one who originally diagnosed me after removing what we had thought was a benign cyst on my right ovary. We were all surprised when it turned out to be a rare form of ovarian cancer. She was comfortable with stopping the CT scans, but wanted to replace them with ultrasounds so that we could still get a look at anything that might pop up in there. I had my first one in April and got the all clear. The next one was scheduled for six months later – October.

This is where things get a little wacky. I had orders on my desk to schedule my six month follow up with my oncologist in August, and also for my October ultrasound, but when I went to schedule my doctor appointment, my brain told me that I needed to have the diagnostic test BEFORE that appointment, so I called the hospital and scheduled the US for early July. I have had enough mammograms, ultrasounds and all manner of diagnostic testing by now to know that I need to take the orders from my doctor with me when I show up at the hospital for the tests. They also remind you when they call to pre-register you a few days before.

Nonetheless, I showed up for my ultrasound on July 8th without the written orders. If I had taken them and the nurse who checked me in had asked for them, as she was supposed to do, she would have quickly seen that they said October and would have sent me packing. As it went down, it wasn’t until the technician was about to take me back that she said she couldn’t perform the test without my orders, and I realized I had forgotten them. Did I have time to go home and get them? Should I reschedule? “No,” she said. “You’re here now. I’ll just call your gynecologist’s office and have them fax them over.” They rewrote the orders for July and faxed them right over, and I got the test.

I knew immediately that something was wrong when the technician asked me to get dressed and hang around for a moment while she shared the tests with the radiologist to see if he needed anything else. They don’t do that when there is nothing to see – something was in there. This feeling was confirmed the following evening when I was sitting in the park reading and my gynecologist called to ask why I had gotten an ultrasound three months early (that was the first time I realized I had), and to tell me thank goodness I did because three small nodules were showing up that were cause for concern.

This call came after 5 p.m. on a Friday evening of my first weekend at home with no plans in months. I was looking forward to relaxing, reading, catching up with friends and taking it easy. My doctor told me NOT to sit around worrying about this all weekend, and I vowed not to, but it was tough. The initial shock of thinking the cancer might be back was tremendous. I immediately called a friend I had just spoken to and my voice broke as I left her a message about what was going on. Then I took some deep breaths, calmed down and went back to my book.

Luckily, the next afternoon, I had a meeting with my coach who reminded me that I could worry about this for the next month until I saw my oncologist, but it would only make me miserable. He was right, and from that moment, I literally put it out of my mind, and refused to let it weigh on me. For two months, between this test and my surgery, which confirmed the cancer was indeed back, I carried this knowledge with me and DID NOT let it impact my emotions. Now that is POWER! A friend recently bought me Michael J Fox’s latest book A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Future (which I highly recommend). In it, he offers this advice: “Never imagine the worst case scenario. It almost never comes true, and in the event that it does, you’ve lived through it TWICE.” We can’t control what happens to us in life, but we have 100% power over how we respond to it.

Next month: Here we go again. More about my treatment, challenges and triumphs this time around.

I Don't Have Time for Cancer

2010-09-02T08:02:00.000-07:00

Perhaps the most common reaction when faced with a cancer diagnosis is fear for your life, and I certainly had that, at least initially. I was lucky though, and was diagnosed early – stage II – so I never really thought that I might die. What bothered me most about cancer was the interruption to my life.

At the time of my diagnosis, I was the CEO of a small company, a whitewater canoe guide and an active volunteer with several different organizations. Just days before Memorial Day in 2006, I was told I had ovarian cancer, and I was immediately annoyed that I would have to be recovering from surgery and starting chemo during the fantastic Colorado summer! I labeled 2006 my “lost summer” as a result.

After four years guiding whitewater canoe trips on western rivers, I had just been handed my dream schedule with three trips on river sections I hadn’t done before. I was so looking forward to paddling the Dolores with its excellent rapids, the Colorado River above Moab and the famed five-day stretch of the Green River into Canyonlands National Park in Utah. I had never gotten that great a canoe schedule before, and I haven’t since. The only trip I got to do that summer was the guide trip three weeks before I was diagnosed. I still haven’t paddled the Dolores either!

As if that weren’t bad enough, I had just booked a trip to Alaska for the week after Memorial Day. Plane tickets had been purchased and reservations made for an adventure in Juneau three years in the making. It ended up being my one-year cancerversary celebration the following summer instead! I had been scheduled to present at two conferences, and had reservations at Mesa Verde – still one of the few national parks in the region I haven’t yet made it to.

I recognize my good fortune at having the luxury of annoyance rather than the fear of death. All things considered, I would take that again any day. But for a busy person like me with barely a free moment in my schedule to begin with, having to give up precious time in the mountains or on the river to sit in a chemo room, or lie on the couch recovering from surgery when the sun was shining was really trying.

I very much resented cancer’s interruption of my life, and the time required to fight the disease. . .time away from work that was important to me, traveling (which I love), and outdoor activities that feed my soul. It also cost me quite a bit of money – about $8,000 all told in doctor co-pays, prescription drugs and insurance deductibles. I would have put that money to such good use on awesome adventures if I hadn’t given it to cancer!

Four years later, summer is nearly over, and I just returned from the canoe trip for single survivors that I have been planning for the past five months. This weekend, 14 people joined us from across the country to embark on a three-day adventure on the Colorado River. Since I have been talking about providing services for the single survivor crowd for three years, this is a BIG deal for me – the start of something new and exciting! It was a big deal for them too. The trip was so rewarding and fun for us all. Here are just a few of the comments from the weekend:

“Thanks for four of the best days of my life. It’s been a LONG time since I’ve felt joy and at peace, and this weekend I felt both. Also, I feel hopeful again and inspired to get out there and really live. Thank you SOOO much!”

“I just wanted to say thank you for this weekend. It was something I really needed and came at the right time. I’m sure everyone on the trip had the best time of their lives, and you touched more lives than you can imagine - not just those attending, but those who are their friends, their family… etc. It’s quite amazing to see the change in people and you were the catalyst for that change. It was an honor to be a part of this event and I can’t thank you enough….”

The response has been tremendous, and we have a great database of people who are interested in future activities, even if three days camping on the river isn’t exactly their cup of tea or their schedule wouldn’t allow then to participate this time. We raised enough money to cover trip expenses above and beyond those generous organizations like Centennial Canoe Outfitters and Marmot who donated gear, Greek101 who donated t-shirts, and giving individuals who donated cash or frequent flier miles to provide travel scholarships. We couldn’t have done it without the non-profit sponsorship of Tamika & Friends, a rockstar planning committee, and river guides willing to donate their time and energy. Denver’s 9News did a feature story on the trip two weeks prior that generated local interest and added a few participants to the roster as well.

This entire experience has given me a feeling of profound gratitude for all of the amazing individuals who have contributed to making this trip happen, and created the foundation for a new organization to serve single survivors (Solo Survivors? Looking for a good name for the new venture – if you have ideas, email asinglecell@gmail.com - would like for it to emphasize connection and relationship rather than alone-ness). If you are a single cancer survivor, and would like to be added to the mailing list for future events, please let us know.

Even if you are sick and tired of the hot weather and mosquitoes wherever you are, enjoy these last few weeks of summer. Get outside and do something fun. It will be cold before we know it, so appreciate the season and share it with friends.

Gratitude

2010-07-30T05:38:00.000-07:00

It is so easy to get wrapped up in what is missing from our lives. The lack of boyfriend, fulfilling job or fat paycheck can loom large in our thoughts causing us frustration and disappointment. We tell ourselves that we need certain things to be happy, which only makes us “needy.”

Our thoughts then become a self-fulfilling prophecy, insuring that our focus on what’s lacking will create more of the same. We say things to ourselves that we would never allow others to say to us. These negative thoughts such as, “I will always be alone,” “I’m not good enough,” “I’m too fat,” contribute to a deep feeling of unworthiness that will keep us from getting what we want.

Oprah’s promotion, several years ago, of Sarah Ban Breathnach made gratitude journals all the rage for a while. Her books instructed us to write down five things a day we were grateful for. At the time, I had just broken my ankle in three places, couldn’t drive, walk or carry anything because of my crutches, and wasn’t feeling particularly grateful. But I started a gratitude journal anyway and was amazed at how easy it was to come up with five or more things a day to thank the universe for.

Focusing on and appreciating what we have is the best way I know to create more good things in our lives. Let’s face it - just by virtue of living in the United States or another first-world country, we have it better than most people in the world. Access to clean water, healthy food and medical care are givens in our lives. We are surrounded by abundance and comfort, and somehow we still find a way to lament the fact that we haven’t had a vacation in a while.

Over the years, I have often complained about “being alone.” In between boyfriends or during a dry dating spell, as friends around me got married and started families, I felt sorry for myself for what was missing. The loneliness, and sometimes even despair, was so palpable in my life that it blinded me to all the good things. The truth is that I have never been alone. I could literally drown in the sea of love in which I have been fortunate enough to swim my entire life.

Getting cancer was a fantastic reminder of just how many people care about me. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support from friends, family, co-workers, people I hadn’t seen or been in touch with for years, friends of friends, religious communities and cancer-related organizations just to name a few. I received more than 300 cards, not to mention all the flowers, gifts, meals and visits. Oh, and the people in my life raised nearly $10,000 for ovarian cancer research in my honor.

I am astounded that I could be in the midst of all of that and still feel alone in any way, shape or form. I may live alone in a one-bedroom condo, work from home without colleagues around and file my taxes as a single person, but I am FAR from alone! I am truly and deeply loved by so many people. If you took stock of your life, you would realize that you are too. Sometimes it takes something “bad” such as an illness or injury to help us realize all the “good” in our lives.

Recently, a friend from high school committed suicide. I hadn’t seen him in years or been in touch with him other than becoming Facebook friends. He still lived in our rural hometown in Kentucky and had recently gotten a well-publicized DUI. Speculation runs high that it strongly contributed to his decision to take his own life. Many on Facebook have commented about how many times they considered reaching out, but didn’t. He clearly felt desperate and alone to have made the decision that he did.

There are times in life when we all feel alone and lonely. That feeling is not reserved for those of us who are single or divorced. It is possible to be standing in a river of love and support and feel as if you are dying of thirst. And you don’t have to create an illness or injury in your life to be reminded of the love that is there. Just reach out. It is when we are feeling the most alone and vulnerable that we have the most difficult time opening up and sharing what feels shameful to us.

I am profoundly grateful for the love of my family and so many friends, and I love my life so much! I know that it will be enhanced when I find a partner to share it with, but it’s pretty freaking amazing right now. Take stock of what you have, and I know you’ll feel the same way. And if you haven’t done it in a while, reach out and tell someone in your life how much they mean to you.

Fulfillment

2010-07-30T05:25:00.000-07:00

Originally written May 23, 2010

Today is my four-year cancerversary. I was diagnosed at age 36 with a rare form of ovarian cancer, but I was lucky. We caught it early, and treatment was successful. Approximately 10 months after my initial diagnosis, I was declared cancer-free, and all of the follow-ups have been positive ever since. While the physical symptoms of cancer and the side effects from treatment have left my body, the emotional and psychological impacts likely never will completely.

Even though I am among many survivors who have declared cancer one of the best things that ever happened to me, there are still psychological downsides that arise when I least expect it – sometimes I recognize them and their source immediately, and other times, they are completely unconscious, and yet, the impact is still there. My story is not unique, and one aspect of it has resonated for me, and also with others who are part of this club none of us chose to join.

Cancer is tough, and I believe that even when surrounded by the best team in the world made up of friends and family, a significant other, great doctors, a supportive workplace, etc. etc, in the end, each person still goes through cancer alone. No one else can ever really understand what it feels like. When you are single, that lonely feeling can be exponentially greater. Even with all the supportive elements above, not having someone there 24/7 to support you during the darkest hours can be really hard. Just being single can sometimes bring up feelings of unworthiness or despair. Adding a life-threatening illness on top of that can be a big double whammy!

A recent survey of single cancer survivors highlighted some common themes:

· Nearly 80% report feeling alone.

· Just over 83% experience body image issues from scarring or other cancer side effects such as weight gain, missing body parts or hair loss.

· 65% have concerns about fertility.

· Almost 85% feel anxiety or inadequacy about dating and sexuality because of the above.

The top needs expressed by this population were:

· Connections with other similar survivors (77%)

· A book or other information about dealing with cancer as a single person (67%)

· Information about dating/sexuality (62%)

· Healing touch such as reiki, massage, etc. (61%)

For more than three years now, I have been talking about finding a way to serve this segment of the cancer survivor population. Even before I finished treatment, people who read my regular online updates suggested that I write a book, and I have been writing a monthly column about my experiences as a single survivor since 2007. You can see the archives and read them each month here: http://tinyurl.com/divinecaroline-SingleCell

I have also immersed myself in the cancer community attending summits and young adult alliance meetings with the Lance Armstrong Foundation, participating in cancer camps and retreats from kayaking to meditation, serving as an “Angel” for two different organizations and becoming particularly involved with groups serving young adults. The people I have met along the way have been amazing. They have helped me feel WAY less alone, and been so supportive as I try to figure out how best to serve singles with cancer. After three years of talking, I am finally beginning to gain some momentum, and I am thrilled to report that three events are in the works:

1. Canoeing & Connection: An Adventure for Singles with Cancer August 27-29, 2010 This three-day canoe trip on the Colorado River is for single survivors who are 21 and older and at least three months post-treatment. Sponsored by Centennial Canoe Outfitters and Tamika & Friends, this trip promises to be a fun and relaxing weekend in the beautiful canyons of Colorado and Utah. Go here for more information: http://tinyurl.com/canoe-connection

2. Singles with Cancer: Bootcamp Date and Location TBD (possibly November 2010) Sponsored by i2y – The I’m Too Young for This Cancer Foundation, this one day program will focus on the issues single survivors say are most important to them: dating anxiety, sexuality, body image, fertility, etc.

3. Love and Power: A Relationship Retreat for Singles with Cancer Valentines 2011 Offered in cooperation between Revolutionary Wisdom and Tamika & Friends, this retreat will address issues specific to singles with cancer while also delving into something deeper. It will not just be a workshop, but a weekend to help you tap into what is important to you and to connect with others. Love. Companionship. Intimacy and sexuality. These are vital aspects of our most intimate relationships in life, and finding ways to enhance and support these aspects of our relationships is important. For those of us who are single, these aspects are often the primary reasons we seek to enter into new relationships. Yet there is something greater which is possible -- a Soulful Relationship.

If you are interested in being involved with any of these events either as a planner or participant, please contact me at asinglecell@gmail.com.

Seeing Things Differently

2010-03-31T07:32:00.000-07:00

Wikipedia says that experiencing betrayal can produce similar feelings as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) – called betrayal trauma. It gives examples of situations that can give rise to this phenomenon: discrimination, bullying, hazing and false arrest. As someone who works in hazing prevention, this hit home to me on a professional level. Being betrayed by someone in whom we have placed our trust can be emotionally devastating, leaving deep wounds and trust issues in its wake.

I have experienced these types of betrayals a few times in my life, and the feelings that come with them are deeply seared into my psyche – shock first, then disbelief, anger, upset, hurt. It is natural to replay events for signs you may have missed that your trust was misplaced. We often blame ourselves in some way, allowing feelings of unworthiness to take hold and make us believe we deserved it somehow. We always blame the betrayer, allowing our righteous anger to shun the offender and carry us through what might otherwise be unbearable despair. Making someone else wrong means we get to be right, and “right” feels morally superior to “duped.”

Over the past seven months or so, I have been participating in programs offered by Landmark Education that along with previous work such as A Course in Miracles and the work of Byron Katie, have opened up to me a new way of being that literally allows me to see things differently. The basic premise being that we cause most of the despair in our lives by how we perceive an event, and that perception is molded by all the situations we have dealt with in our past. Something happens to us and we make up a story about what it means, and then we apply those stories to new events as they occur. This is human nature. It is a survival mechanism.

While these “stories” help us make sense of situations that cause us trauma or grief, they don’t serve our higher purpose. They allow us to get stuck in the story, wallow in self-pity, and make others wrong in order to feel right. We can literally transform ourselves by choosing to see things differently. It is not easy. It takes practice and sometimes coaching from someone who is not as attached to the situation as you are. Byron Katie’s work is helpful because she offers four questions you can walk yourself through for any situation in order to see what’s really true underneath the stories we have piled on.

Those of us who have experienced cancer, know all about survival as a concept, as do people who have been assaulted in some way. "Surviving" seems like a great goal at the time that you are faced with something traumatic, and being a survivor is a badge of honor that we proudly wear. However, the new way of seeing things I describe below will help move you beyond simply surviving to thriving and opening yourself up to new ways of being that you didn't think were possible before.

I recently had a chance to practice this in a situation that previously would have caused me weeks of depression, despair, judging, anger, processing, drama and beating myself up. I allowed myself to be swallowed up by it for a time – but for hours, not days. With the help of some good coaching and personal reflection, I was able to turn it around in less than 48 hours, forgive the betrayer and myself, take responsibility for my role in the scenario (probably the hardest part for most of us), and come out the other side feeling not just ok, but euphoric.

It is difficult to describe the power that comes with taking responsibility. When you can literally transform even the most harrowing of experiences by choosing to see them differently, you are no longer the victim, but the victor. You have control of every situation, relationship and experience and the power to either transform it into what you would like it to be or to let it go so it no longer has the power to hurt you. I still can’t quite believe I am able to do this. It is a miracle to me.

If you want to try transformation as a practice, I recommend the resources above, but you can also do it on your own by simple practicing these steps in the moment of despair, anger, hurt, frustration, worry, etc.

1. Sit still somewhere and center yourself with deep breaths, breathe evenly.

2. Meditate or pray and simply ask to see it differently. Over and over if necessary. This doesn’t usually come quickly.

3. Rather than placing blame, look for something you can take responsibility for – far from making you feel weak as someone who “gives in,” taking responsibility gives you the power to transform the experience for you.

4. Look for the “story” you have been telling yourself about the situation or about yourself or others involved. This is often based on past experience – “this always happens to me,” “I am so stupid,” “no one is ever going to love me,” etc. This can be a difficult step because our stories are our reality – they are the lens through which we view the world. They are such a part of us that they can be difficult to see. This is where an objective coach with some training might be helpful.

5. Be generous – what are the positives about this experience or person that you are currently struggling with? What opportunities is this experience opening up for you? How can your life be different as a result?

6. It might help to journal or write a letter to the person or organization. Whether or not you send it, writing often helps us identify our own feelings so we can make sense of them.

7. Be authentic. This isn’t about ego or saving face or being right. It isn’t about making the other person wrong. Work through these elements in your writing or thought process – how you’re feeling (I statements), what you’re taking responsibility for, and perhaps what you request in order to heal and move forward.

8. Let go of any attachment to the outcome, especially in relation to the other person. Your request may go unfulfilled or even completely unheard. That doesn’t matter. You can still forgive and let go even if the other party doesn’t feel or show remorse, admit responsibility or even receive the communication. This process is about transforming the experience for YOU alone.

I truly hope you will give transformation a try. I can’t even begin to describe the positive impact it has had on my life to be able to see things differently.

Love in a Bag

2010-03-02T20:26:00.000-08:00

Every year, I volunteer for a local Denver service called Project Valentine. On or around Valentine’s Day, a team of drivers fans out across the metro area to deliver Valentine’s goodie bags to chemo patients – 600 this year. The annual project was founded by Colleen Anderson, an ovarian cancer patient – like me – who had her first chemo treatment on Valentine’s Day 2001. Though Colleen succumbed to her cancer in 2007, her project lives on, and brings smiles to cancer patients each February.

When you have a needle in your arm or a port on your chest and you’re attached to an IV bag dripping poisonous chemicals into your body for several hours, it’s amazing how little it takes to bring a smile to your face. I would revel in the friends who came to sit with me during treatment, take-out lunch delivered to my chemo chair, the hand-knit hats and scarves made by volunteers, and even the cheesy song accompanied by balloons performed by the staff for each patient’s last treatment.

Of course, it’s great to deliver goodie bags, see the smiles on patient’s faces, receive the hugs and thank yous, but so many people work hard year-round to make this project possible. Fundraising, seeking product donations, craft days, stuffing, sorting and picking up the bags for delivery all have to get done as well. There are countless volunteers who organize and work hard behind the scenes with little thanks or recognition. That is why I’m taking the opportunity of my column to thank them for all that they do to make this program possible. I am hoping their work will inspire you to do something great in your own community.

The Obamas have done a great job of encouraging service on Martin Luther King Day, as so many past presidents have also highlighted service as one of the best contributions American’s can make. Jimmy Carter has played a large role in the work of Habitat for Humanity. George Bush Sr. emphasized the Thousand Points of Light, which inspired the foundation of the same name, now merged with the Hands On Network. Bill Clinton founded the Clinton Global Initiative, whose mission is to encourage investment, grow the economy and create jobs through private-public partnership.

Martin Luther King said, “Everyone can be great, because everyone can serve.” There is something each of us can do to brighten someone’s day, and God knows there is so much to be done. You don’t have to be president to do something great. Look at Colleen. From founding your own non-profit, to volunteering with one in your community or just writing a check to a cause you support, you can serve in whatever way is best for you. Charities are really suffering in this economy, and anything you can give will be gratefully received. Out of work? How about donating some of your now abundant free time to a good cause. Jim Pancero said, “Doing something for nothing is better than doing nothing for nothing.”

I used to make it a point to send valentines to all of my single friends. V-Day, or “Singles Awareness Day” if you prefer, is tough on those without partners. Imagine how tough it is to be single AND have cancer. Yikes! That’s why one of my goals this year is to expand Project Valentine to send goody bags to single cancer patients around the country. I’m not quite sure yet how I’ll pull this off, but I plan to partner with some great organizations that are already doing good work such as Chemo Angels, I’m Too Young For This and Imerman Angels. If you have ideas about how to identify single cancer patients or make this project work, please share them with me, or feel free to share ideas you have for a project of your own. Thanks for what you do to make your community a better place.

A Survivor Looks at Forty: A Single Cell

2010-01-17T10:54:00.000-08:00

I am sitting on my lanai on the Hawaiian island of Kauai with my 40th birthday only hours away. As the waves from the Pacific Ocean crash against the rocks below, I can’t help but feel complete awe at the magnificence of my life. Tonight, and most days, really, I am the luckiest girl in the world! In this beautiful condo by the sea sleep four of my friends who said yes to spending my birthday with me in Hawaii. Two more join us in a few days. I am so blessed with so many amazing people in my life. That alone is enough to lead a fantastic life – how blessed are we who have good friends.There also happens to be a fascinating, handsome and funny man in my life at the moment. He finds me sexy, appreciates my brains and makes me laugh. What more could a girl want, really?

Three years ago, I stared ovarian cancer in the face. It was scary and inconvenient, but I was lucky. I received the multitude of life lessons that come from such a diagnosis, and got to walk away relatively unscathed – a few pounds heavier from the steroids that got me through chemo, one ovary lighter, and about a year with varying degrees of hairlessness. Not too bad a deal really in exchange for the rest of your life.

I had lunch last week with a “cancer buddy” – a friend I would likely never have met if a similar diagnosis hadn’t brought us together. She was not as lucky as I, and is already living on borrowed time. Though she has been doing chemo almost continuously for nearly three years now, the cancer is winning, and she knows she will eventually die from this disease. And yet, she lives her life fully every day, spending time with friends and family, golfing, skiing, kayaking and other adventures that even 100% healthy people don’t undertake. She travels and spends quality time with her husband, and talks matter-of-factly about her future, or lack thereof. She is my idol in every way. I feel blessed to have met her, and to learn from her, and I’m continually heartened by her courage and spirit.

Some might feel depressed at turning 40, and the over-the-hill jests are a given as people liken this monumental milestone to the beginning of a downward spiral, but I know better. I have come closer than many my age to the alternative, and turning 40 is more than cause for celebration to me. I have not begun to reach the highest peaks of my life yet, though I am feeling pretty far up in the pinnacles at the moment.

My Dad always swore that life began at 40, and I believe him. I am coming into my own, and I couldn’t be happier. I have a career that is so rewarding, get to do volunteer work that fulfills me, have great relationships with so many incredible people, live in a beautiful state and a fun city, and have the absolute luxury of two weeks in the islands for my birthday. Who could ask for more than that?

I know the year ahead is going to be incredible, and I am embracing 40 with a tremendous amount of affection and gratitude.

Resolutions

2010-01-01T09:46:00.000-08:00

Exactly four years ago today I woke up, after ringing in 2006 with fondue and a few glasses of champagne at a friend’s house, to horrible stomach pains. What at first felt like the flu turned out to be the first symptoms of ovarian cancer, eventually diagnosed in May, and treated successfully throughout the rest of that year.

New Year’s Day always brings back those memories, and also reminds me how lucky I am to be healthy and happy at the dawn of another year. This holiday is also a particularly painful time to be single, and I’m reminded of that each year too as couples around me kiss in the new year on tv and at celebrations closer to home.

It is with both of these thoughts in mind that I resolve this year to finally make progress on two goals I have had for some time now. They are:

To find a way to serve single people who are dealing with cancer.
To write a book about my experience as a single person with cancer that might help others in the same boat.

Both goals are highly attainable, and progress has been made, but it has been slow. I am sharing the goals in this column to ask you to hold me accountable. By so publicly promising, after years of moderate progress, I hope to jump-start the process with the help of a strong support network with a vested interest in seeing these goals to fruition. There are many ways you can help:

If you are a single person who has had cancer, I want to hear from you. Your story could inspire someone, and you can share what services would be helpful to you as you navigate this experience. Complete the survey sponsored by the i2y Foundation and Imerman Angels here.

Send thoughts, ideas or just encouragement in the form of comments on this blog or email to: asinglecell@gmail.com. Check in occasionally and ask how things are going. This will remind me that I better have something to report when someone asks. I will also share an update each month at the end of my column. Short excerpts from past columns will be published in a book from Planet Cancer coming out this spring. The columns will likely be the basis for much of my book as well. I have been writing about living with cancer as a single person for almost three full years now, so there is lots of great content there. Let me know your favorites, or share topics you WISH I’d cover.

Let your favorite cancer organizations know what special support you might benefit from as a single person. There are lots of great organizations already out there serving the cancer community, and I feel no need to reinvent the wheel. If this population can be served through joining forces with existing organizations like i2y, Imerman Angels, MyLifeLine.Org, Planet Cancer, First Descents, Voices of Survivors and others, that is ideal. If eventually, a separate organization becomes necessary, that’s fine too. Help me figure out how to best reach single people and get you what you need.

I am planning to put together a dream team of single survivors to help me get this going this year. I know I can’t do it alone. I was lucky enough in November to connect with so many amazing people from the Young Adult cancer community and I will be calling upon them as well.

I hope you will make some resolutions this year as well. Instead of the same old ones about losing weight and saving money, be creative. What do you really want to do in 2010? Now is a great time to reflect and put some goals on paper. Share them publicly and ask the people in your life to support and encourage you to reach them.

Inspiration

2009-11-26T06:45:00.000-08:00

I had the privilege of spending two amazing days with 130 members of the LIVESTRONG Young Adult Alliance in Austin, Texas recently. These admirable individuals and organizations are doing amazing work for those affected by cancer and their loved ones, particularly those 15-39 – seventy thousand of whom are diagnosed each year.

Kudos to the Lance Armstrong Foundation, and CEO Doug Ullman, for once again seeing a need and acting to meet it. By creating this coalition to improve the survival rates and quality of life for young adults, they are helping to fill the gap in care that can often leave this group dangling between the worlds of pediatric and adult oncology, making it difficult to know where they fit.

The Alliance formed three years ago with the development of a Progress Review Group (PRG) - a call to action, basically – which still guides its work. Four task forces do the main work of the Alliance in-between annual meetings: Science, Membership, Standards of Care and Awareness. Through these work groups, the Alliance conducts research, brings new members into the group, helps raise awareness about cancer prevention and services, and shares information about the latest science-based cancer research and treatment options.

The two-day conference consisted of keynote presentations by Drew Olanoff of Blame Drew’s Cancer and Adam Garone, founder of Movember an organization encouraging men around the world to grow moustaches during November to raise money for men’s cancers, primarily prostate; breakout sessions on harnessing the power of social media, healthcare reform, and survivorship issues among many others; and task force and brainstorming meetings on a variety of issues from the PRG.

I was so inspired by the people around me. From Drew and Adam, both of whom have pledged to raise upwards of a million dollars for the Alliance, to so many others who are doing so much to help young adults and further the cause of survivorship:

Brad Ludden – the professional kayaker who started teaching kayaking to kids at a cancer camp near his home in Montana as a way to give back, and then discovered that while there are tons of programs for children with cancer, young adults were practically ignored. Thus First Descents was born in 2000 when Brad was only 18. He realized the healing power of the outdoors and the confidence that can come from paddling a class III rapid or scaling a rock wall, and tons of young adult survivors have benefited from his vision ever since.

Marcia Donziger – struck by ovarian cancer at age 27, Marcia went in for surgery to remove a cyst on her ovary, and woke up to discover that her doctor had performed a complete hysterectomy when he discovered cancer throughout her pelvic region. Married at the time and trying to start a family, Marcia was devastated, and her marriage eventually ended as a result of her diagnosis. Marcia remembers how difficult it was to keep in touch with friends and family about her treatment and condition, and being overwhelmed by the number of calls she received during that time. Inspired by another cancer patient who used a website to keep people in the loop, in 2006 Marcia founded MyLifeLine.Org providing free websites to cancer patients so they could easily keep their loved ones informed about what was going on with them and get support during treatment.

Matthew Zachary – diagnosed with brain cancer at the age of 21 while still in college, this concert pianist and composer lost the use of his hands for a time during treatment – a devastating blow to his future career plans. At the time of his diagnosis there were few resources for young adults living with this disease, and in 2004 Matthew founded Steps for Living, the precursor to i2y - I’m Too Young for This Cancer Foundation, an organization that connects young adult survivors with resources, produces a weekly online radio program called the Stupid Cancer Show, and serves as an advocate for the AYA (Adolescents & Young Adults) community primarily through the harnessing of social media.

Heidi Adams – learned she had cancer when she was in her twenties, and as she navigated treatment, she saw very few others who looked like her. Most of the chairs in the chemo room were filled with silver-haired grandparents who told her she was too young to have cancer. When a thoughtful nurse introduced Heidi to two other young adults in treatment, they gravitated toward each other like flies to honey, sharing their frustrations, struggles and encouragement. Both of Heidi’s lifelines relapsed and died from their disease, and Heidi started Planet Cancer in their memories. The organization provides an international network for AYAs through a social networking website, retreats and a soon to be published book.

Jonny Imerman – lost a testicle to cancer at age 26. While fighting cancer, he received tons of support from family and friends, but longed to talk with someone else who had been through what he was going through. He wanted to ask for advice from someone who understood what it was like to have testicular cancer at such a young age. In 2003, he founded Imerman Angels to connect cancer “fighters” with cancer survivors who were like them. The organization strives to match patients based on age, diagnosis, geographic location, gender and even religion for those to whom that is important.

I have known some of these individuals for a while, and met others for the first time at this meeting. I benefited from many of these programs or ones like them during my diagnosis, treatment and survivorship, and thank God that these individuals were inspired to do something for this community so their services would be around when I needed them. I often say that Lance Armstrong getting cancer is the best thing to ever happen to those of us who have experienced this disease. He has done so much to advocate for research and funding and to define survivorship. Just being in the LIVESTRONG offices in Austin was inspiring to those of us who participated in this meeting. Seeing Lance’s seven yellow jerseys hanging in the foyer, meeting Kelli Craddock, the young adult guru on staff, connecting with so many others who wear the yellow wristbands not because it’s trendy, but for a deeper reason, was profoundly inspiring to me.

I went to Austin to push my agenda. I don’t necessarily feel the need at this point to start my own non-profit when there are so many already out there doing good work for this population, but I did want to raise awareness about the unique needs of single people who get cancer, and encourage these organizations to do more to serve this audience. I lobbied First Descents, Camp Mak A Dream and Planet Cancer to consider singles-only sessions of their programs, promoted my online survey to better assess the needs of this population, and raised the issue as one that the Alliance should focus more attention on in the future.

My time in Austin was a huge success from many perspectives, and I feel so privileged to be able to be a part of this amazing group. Because the LIVESTRONG Foundation is a catalyst for so much of the work that has helped so many, I want to close with their manifesto, which has been a source of strength:

The Manifesto of the Lance Armstrong Foundation
We believe in life.
Your life.
We believe in living every minute of it with every ounce of your being.
And that you must not let cancer take control of it.
We believe in energy: channeled and fierce.
We believe in focus: getting smart and living strong.
Unity is strength. Knowledge is power. Attitude is everything.
This is the Lance Armstrong Foundation.
We kick in the moment you’re diagnosed.
We help you accept the tears. Acknowledge the rage.
We believe in your right to live without pain.
We believe in information. Not pity.
And in straight, open talk about cancer.
With husbands, wives and partners. With kids, friends and neighbors. And the people you live with, work with, cry and laugh with.
This is no time to pull punches.
You’re in the fight of your life.
We’re about the hard stuff.
Like finding the nerve to ask for a second opinion.
And a third, or a fourth, if that’s what it takes.
We’re about getting smart about clinical trials.
And if it comes to it, being in control of how your life ends.
It’s your life. You will have it your way.
We’re about the practical stuff.
Planning for surviving. Banking your sperm. Preserving your fertility. Organizing your finances. Dealing with hospitals, specialists, insurance companies and employers.
It’s knowing your rights.
It’s your life.
Take no prisoners.
We’re about the fight.
We’re your champion on Capitol Hill. Your advocate with the healthcare system. Your sponsor in the research labs.
And we know the fight never ends.
Cancer may leave your body, but it never leaves your life.
This is the Lance Armstrong Foundation.
Founded and inspired by one of the toughest cancer survivors on the planet.
LIVESTRONG™

Loneliness

2009-10-31T08:03:00.000-07:00

Most of the time I am very satisfied, even ecstatic, about my life as an independent, single woman. My lifestyle allows me to do the things I want to do when I want to do them. If I feel like staying in bed all day on a cold, rainy Sunday afternoon reading a book, I can do it. When I want to jump in my car or hop on a plane for a fun weekend get-away, only my budget might prevent me. There are no demands from a partner or children that get in the way of my needs. I feel lucky to live in a time and culture that allows me the freedom to live independently, and I make the most of that freedom to live the kind of life that I want to live.

Ninety-five percent of the time, I am completely happy with my life. However, the five-percent can be really difficult, because there are those times when no one relishes being alone – when the toilet overflows, the car breaks down or when you get sick. I also tend to feel really alone during either times of great celebration or mourning – usually on a large scale: Princess Diana’s death, 9/11, when my candidate wins an election or the beginning of a new year. These are times you want to share with others.

Whenever I read a Jane Austen book, or watch a movie about a different period in history, I am often thankful to live when I do, in a time when women don’t have to marry in order to gain protection and financial security, when I am free to work, dress and live how I choose. I also see the drawbacks of modern-day culture as well. As technological advances allow us more virtual connectedness – playing chess with someone in China or teleconferencing with business associates around the globe – it can also sap meaningful face-to-face connections.

I was recently with a group of friends at brunch and looked up to see most of the people around the table furiously using their smart phones rather than engaging the group in front of them. I admit to loving my iPhone for allowing me instant access to all kinds of great information and entertainment, but it drives me crazy when updating people in the virtual world takes priority over the warm-blooded human being sitting in front of you.

As more of us choose to live independently because our finances allow it, remaining single longer, divorcing more readily and having fewer children is becoming more and more common. These trends are also causing more isolation than at any time in human history. Primitive cultures forced people to live and work together in order to survive. I wonder about the emotional cost of our modern culture, and what physical outcomes can arise from loneliness and disconnection.

Dr. Dean Ornish (1998) stated at the beginning of his book Love & Survival: “Our survival depends on the healing power of love, intimacy, and relationships. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. As individuals. As communities. As a culture. Perhaps even as a species.” (p. 1) Dr. Andrew Weil (1997) also postulates about the communal nature of human beings meant to live in families, tribes, and communities, and says that when we lack those connections, we suffer.

Perhaps loneliness and lack of connection can actually contribute to poor health. It certainly is difficult to be alone when we are sick. Whether it’s a sore throat, the flu or cancer, not having someone at hand to take care of us when we’re not well is a big fat bummer. I have long been interested in supporting single folks who are dealing with cancer. While there are a multitude of resources for cancer patients, there is nothing specifically for those of us going through it alone, and that number seems to be rising as cancer strikes at younger ages, while many of us put off marriage until later.

I recently conducted a survey of single cancer survivors to gauge the needs of this audience. Mostly the results weren’t surprising; the issues you would expect floated to the top: dating anxiety, body image, loneliness, fertility problems and a desire for more support.

One man said, “I still struggle with what to tell anybody I meet, especially women I’m romantically interested in, about my medical history. I had a scar revision to replace my original thyroidectomy scar that looked like something on Frankenstein’s monster. Even though the new scar is fading, I’m still conscious of it everyday, and I make sure it’s covered up by whatever shirt I wear.”

More than 75% of respondents reported that connections with other cancer patients who were like them were the most helpful during treatment and afterward. It’s not as lonely when you can share with others who have gone through it or are in the same boat.

The stories that were shared broke my heart, and rang true to my own feelings in many cases as well. Many single survivors feel like damaged goods with their weird scars and other bodily impacts of cancer, loss of fertility in many cases, and sometimes crushing debt. Single people might already feel as if their status were based upon being flawed in some way, and cancer certainly multiplies that feeling. “Who would choose to be with someone who might not live that long or can’t have kids,” we think?

One woman shared, “I am now five years out and finally beginning to feel normal again, but in five years, I have not been on one date. I want to get married. I want a boyfriend. I just want to go on a date. But for now, I am a 42-year-old spinster who got breast cancer at age 37, lost her chance for children, and has yet to meet the man of my dreams.”

Some report serious financial issues or lack of health insurance, and having to move back in with their parents for help, and a significant number shared how overwhelmed they felt having to make so many huge decisions on their own.

One woman said, “I often don’t feel I have much to live and fight for. So many times you hear people battling cancer say things like, ‘If it weren’t for wanting to be with my spouse, I don’t know how I could have done it all.’ Or people want to survive to be there for their children. If my life ended, it wouldn’t really be a big deal to anyone but my mom, so motivation is pretty hard to come by when you’re faced with side effects, stress, anxiety, bad news, uncomfortable tests, horrid procedures, putting your life on hold, debt and never having any time or money or energy. And all for what?”

Loneliness can be so damaging, and not just for those of us facing serious illnesses. My hope is that we don’t continue on the unhealthy path of foregoing real human connections. They are truly what make life worth living.

If you know a single cancer survivor who might want to take the survey, send them here.

Citations

Eight Weeks to Optimum Health (1997), Random House, Andrew Weil, M.D.

Love & Survival: Eight Pathways to Intimacy and Health (1998), Harper-Collins, Dean Ornish, M.D.

Know Your Body; Know the Symptoms

2009-09-03T17:04:00.000-07:00

The title of this column is the theme of this year’s Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. Each September teal ribbons are worn to remind us that ovarian cancer is the deadliest of all female reproductive cancers, and a leading cause of death among women.

Even in its early stages ovarian cancer has symptoms, but they are subtle, and common to many other diagnoses. One of the main reasons ovarian cancer is so deadly is that the disease often goes undiagnosed until it is advanced. However, research indicates that 95 percent of women diagnosed had symptoms and 90 percent experienced them even with early-stage cancer, so there is hope that with awareness, more lives can be saved. But most women – 75 percent – are still diagnosed in advanced stages. Be persistent with your doctor if you feel that something is not right. You know your body better than anyone else. Insist on further testing if you are having symptoms. What can you do to help spread the word?

Suggestions:

· Tweet or use Facebook to share this link to more information, and/or a symptoms list on September 4 or anytime during Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month.

· Participate in a march or other event in your area. Google “ovarian cancer events” to find fundraisers and events in your area during September. I will be speaking at one in Denver on September 12 – The Teal Soiree, hosted by the Cheryl Shackelford Foundation. If you live near Denver, please join me.

· Write your political representatives to encourage them to fund ovarian cancer research and/or your health insurance company to ask them to cover annual screening for the disease. Many mistakenly believe that a pap test will detect ovarian cancer. Actually, it screens only for cervical cancer. There is currently NO definitive test to screen for ovarian cancer. Research funding will help speed up the process to develop one.

· Email your friends or ask them in person if they are familiar with the symptoms of ovarian cancer. You can obtain symptom cards from the Ovarian Cancer National Alliance or a local ovarian cancer organization to share with loved ones.

· Donate to an ovarian cancer research or advocacy organization. They know the most crucial needs and can direct your funds to those areas. Donate in honor or memory of a friend with the disease. It will be the best gift you could ever give them.

In 2007, the Gynecologic Cancer Foundation, the Society of Gynecologic Oncologists and the American Cancer Society, with significant support from the Ovarian Cancer National Alliance, formed a consensus statement which follows.

"Historically ovarian cancer was called the “silent killer” because symptoms were not thought to develop until the chance of cure was poor. However, recent studies have shown this term is untrue and that the following symptoms are much more likely to occur in women with ovarian cancer than women in the general population. These symptoms include:

Bloating
Pelvic or abdominal pain
Difficulty eating or feeling full quickly
Urinary symptoms (urgency or frequency)

Women with ovarian cancer report that symptoms are persistent and represent a change from normal for their bodies. The frequency and/or number of such symptoms are key factors in the diagnosis of ovarian cancer. Several studies show that even early stage ovarian cancer can produce these symptoms.

Women who have these symptoms almost daily for more than a few weeks should see their doctor, preferably a gynecologist. Prompt medical evaluation may lead to detection at the earliest possible stage of the disease. Early stage diagnosis is associated with an improved prognosis.

Several other symptoms have been commonly reported by women with ovarian cancer. These symptoms include fatigue, indigestion, back pain, pain with intercourse, constipation and menstrual irregularities. However, these other symptoms are not as useful in identifying ovarian cancer because they are also found in equal frequency in women in the general population who do not have ovarian cancer."

I was lucky. My diagnosis came after severe pain and a trip to the emergency room, and luckily, it was caught at an early, treatable stage. Most symptoms are far more subtle and persistent. If you knew that sharing information or sending a link to this column could save the life of a woman you love, would you do it?

Challenge & Support

2009-08-05T13:48:00.000-07:00

In higher education, where I have spent my entire career, the principle of challenge and support is employed a great deal because both are so important to the development of students. The idea is to challenge their thinking and ask them to do things that may be uncomfortable, but necessary for growth, but to support them along the way so that they feel safe and know they have someone to turn to. I experienced these concepts recently as a student of kayaking and was reminded just how effective they can be.

I was lucky enough to participate in a program called First Descents, which brings together young adult cancer survivors for a week of adventure – whitewater kayaking or rock climbing – in some of the most beautiful settings in the United States. My session took place in Glacier National Park in northwestern Montana.

Our introductory morning on beautiful Lake McDonald with snow-capped peaks towering in the background, allowed us to get used to our boats and practice escaping from them while upside down. The rest of the week we paddled successively more difficult stretches of the scenic and wild Flathead River, which forms the western border of Glacier NP.

Throughout the week, we were challenged to take on tasks that were frightening to most of us – paddling class III rapids, being upside down in the river in a tiny boat and figuring out how to right ourselves or “eject,” and enduring the elements such as freezing cold glacial water, burning sun and high temperatures or ravenous mosquitoes. We slowly built our skills and gained confidence on more challenging stretches of river with bigger and more exciting water. All of those could be achieved because of the support of a fantastic staff who were there to provide for our needs, teach us the skills to navigate the river safely, and help us overcome any fears that might hold us back.

One of my fellow campers said it best : “This is a cancer camp that’s not about cancer.” While we all knew we shared an experience with this disease, and talked about it informally throughout our time together, cancer was never the focus. Enjoying each other, the great outdoors and the challenge of a great adventure were the cornerstones of this experience.

I have always felt the most centered and connected in the outdoors. The simple pleasure of sitting by the campfire next to a pond with the breeze rifling leaves, and stars blanketing the sky overhead while bats and dragonflies swooped down to the water’s edge to feast on hatching mosquitoes was a highlight for me. Watching others in my group, who might not have as much connection with nature, develop an appreciation for the river and the healing qualities of the water, was joyous.

Water has always held a special place for me, whether swimming or boating on Kentucky Lake growing up, feeling the pull of the surf in the oceans of either coast or paddling on the river either placidly or purposefully through whitewater, there is something about the water that comforts, nurtures and sustains us. Who hasn’t gotten lost staring at waves crashing on the shore, ripples in a lake or water gurgling over rocks in a beautiful mountain stream?

The most beautiful gift of this experience for many is simply being taken away from the grind of daily life, and yes, cancer too, to experience equal measures of tranquility, friendship and adventure in a stunning natural setting. As our staff reminded us before our graduation paddle, we all have only right here and right now. When you are paddling a class III rapid called Bone Crusher or trying to avoid Can Opener Rock, cancer is the furthest thing from your mind. I am so grateful to have had this experience, and that non-profits like First Descents exist to challenge and support us through this journey.

Paddling really can be a metaphor for life. When the waters get rough, and you can rest assured that they will, it is important to keep your paddle in the water and keep moving forward. Inaction can cause you to capsize or worse. Maintaining good balance is important in both kayaking and for a well-rounded life. And being prepared is essential – safety equipment, knowledge and a certain skill level are required for tackling rivers and life. Finally, and most importantly, surrounding yourself with good people who know what they are doing, and are there to help you when you need them most will see you through a crisis on the river or in life.

“The river called. The call is the thundering rumble of distant rapids, the intimate roar of white water, the whisper of wind through tall pines, the music of he night produced by the elemental instruments of wind, rock and water. It is the compelling call of great spaces, of wilderness beauty, of soul-satisfying serenity, inspiration, freedom and wholesome thrilling adventure – a primeval summons to primordial values.” --John Craighead

Beyond Surviving

2009-06-23T07:26:00.000-07:00

“Human beings are designed to survive.” That is what I learned in a recent seminar that I participated in. The message was basically that our instincts would guide us in fight or flight or other responses needed to survive whatever situation we find ourselves in. On one side of the coin, this is a comforting thought—survival is the norm, and we will take action instinctively when our safety and well-being is threatened. It is nice to know we don’t have to stop and think in the face of danger, but just trust our automatic reactions. But in another sense, “surviving” is kind of a mediocre standard to set for our lives.

After my last column on survivorship, I was talking to some other cancer survivor friends who question the widespread use of the term as somewhat limiting. Hmmmm. I had never thought of it that way. While survivorship can be empowering as I hypothesized in May, it can also be limiting. When you are fighting for your life, surviving is certainly optimal, but once the immediate danger has passed, don’t we all yearn for something more?

I love the Sugarland song titled just that—“Something More.” The lyrics go: “There’s gotta be something more, gotta be more than this. I need a little less hard time, I need a little more bliss. I’m gonna take my chances, taking a chance I might find what I’m looking for. There’s gotta be something more. I could work my life away, but why? I got things I wanna do before I die.” Listen to the song here.

It is so easy to become complacent in life, accepting the challenges as they come, and “surviving” on a day-to-day basis. It reminds me of the first line from the book Good to Great by Jim Collins, “Good is the enemy of great.” So many of us settle for good, when our lives could be great, even extraordinary! Why? Because we are designed to survive. Taking the chance, as the lyrics mention, entails risk, and that could threaten our survival. At the very least, it feels dangerous to step outside the comfortable box we have created for ourselves.

My previous column on Security dealt with this theme. My cancer diagnosis freed me in so many ways from needing the stability and security I had previously pursued. Once you face your own mortality, and recognize that there is really no such thing as security in life, you realize that taking the risk to do something new can be the most rewarding part of your brief existence. This is true even if you fail miserably. After all, you will survive.

I am drawing on the wisdom of many others in this installment, but why would I try to say it better than George Bernard Shaw did: “This is the true joy in life … being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one … being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy … I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die. For the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It’s a sort of splendid torch which I’ve got to hold up for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.”

Most of us are so afraid to live this way. In fact, we are afraid of everything: snakes, lightning, rapists, terrorists, tornadoes, embarrassment, failure, success, vulnerability. I’m not suggesting that these things aren’t scary; only that they will be there whether we spend time being afraid of them or not. A Course in Miracles teaches us that we can live in fear or we can live in love. Which do you think is more fulfilling?

I used to spend a lot of time worrying about what other people would think of me if I did such and such—wore a certain outfit, said something stupid, behaved in a certain way. I feared judgment for the fact that I was still single, that I didn’t fit society’s ideal body size, that I don’t make a lot of money. Then I realized that what other people think of me is none of my business, and that it was silly to worry about that anyway. When it no longer mattered to me what others thought, I could feel free to share myself more openly through writing this column, having genuine and meaningful conversations with others about what really matters, and putting my feelings out there even if they weren’t reciprocated.

Living this way entails taking risks, but it offers tremendous rewards in return. Surviving is certainly better than the alternative, but what about something more? If you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you do? Can you believe that anything is possible?

Survivorship

2009-05-27T07:28:00.000-07:00

Survivorship is a relatively new term in our collective vocabulary. It represents both a positive direction in medical advancements, and at the same time, a host of new long-term impacts from traditional cancer treatments as people are living longer with the disease. My friend Matt just published a great article about this on the Huffington Post.

Many people are confused about what to call themselves or others when they are diagnosed with cancer. If you just found out yesterday that you have the disease, are you a survivor today? I say absolutely YES, and many others agree with me. Surviving the diagnosis is nothing to sneeze at, and those initial days can truly be the most difficult part – emotionally, if not physically. Wrapping your head around the idea that your life is now changed forever is no small task. Staring your mortality in the face is scary.

Being a survivor and living strong are empowering. Wouldn’t you rather be called a survivor than a cancer patient or worse, victim? We can borrow some wisdom from other areas like sexual assault or other forms of abuse. Being a survivor rather than a victim is always preferable. The minute you receive the diagnosis, you are surviving cancer, and every day you keep on breathing after that, you will be a survivor. June 7 is National Cancer Survivors Day, and believe it or not, this day has been observed for 22 years now. I hadn’t heard of it until last week, which was, incidentally, my 3rd Cancerversary (May 23).

My friend Ethan Zohn was recently diagnosed with a rare form of Hodgkin's. You may recognize his name as the winner of Survivor Africa. His new status gives a whole new meaning to his moniker as a "survivor." I was always proud of Ethan for the way he played and won Survivor, and for what he did with the prize money - invested it in a non-profit he founded called Grassroots Soccer which utilizes soccer players to do AIDS/HIV education in Africa. I'm sure cancer hit Ethan especially hard since his father died of the disease when Ethan was only 14-years-old. As he has overcome other challenges in his life, I know he will do so with this one as well. Watch him talking about cancer on CBS's Early Show here.

National Cancer Survivor’s Day is an annual, worldwide Celebration of Life that is held in hundreds of communities throughout the United States, Canada, and other participating countries. Participants unite in a symbolic event to show the world that life after a cancer diagnosis can be a reality, according to the website.

I met a pediatric neurological oncologist at a 4th of July party days before I was scheduled to begin chemo in 2006. In addition to pumping him for information about my chemo drugs and what kind of side effects I could expect, I shared my awe that he could do his job day in and day out. “Working with kids who have brain cancer must be so hard,” I mused. “Actually,” he said, “it’s way better now than 20 years ago when I started – many of the kids actually live now.”

Wow! Medicine really has come a long way. Many of those kids are experiencing side effects later in life from the toxic chemicals used to treat their illness, but at least they are alive. Survivorship brings up a whole host of new issues for us to focus on, such as fertility issues for young adults, long-term side effects of treatment, emotional issues and financial ones too (all these new medical advancements cost ALOT of money). These are good problems to have because they mean that the “patient” is still alive to have them, but they need to be addressed nonetheless.

I am proud to be a survivor, and whatever issues I have to deal with pale when measured against more time with my family and friends, important work to do, writing something that might help someone else going through a challenge, and great adventures and travel to experience – the joys, and sorrows too, of life. And I can’t say enough about the wonderful people that I have met along the way on this cancer journey. It’s a club that no one wants to join, but an amazing community once you are part of it. Here’s to the survivors!

Thirtysomething With Cancer

2009-04-01T10:32:00.001-07:00

Remember the 90s television show Thirtysomething? If you do, you likely are thirtysomething yourself. It was a great show about a group of baby boomers who had lived through the counterculture 60s, and were trying to reconcile that past with their present as responsible adults and parents. I was in high school when it aired, and remember watching and thinking how old thirty seemed. Now, as I approach 40, my perspective has changed a bit.

I heard recently that most Millenials think that the term “grown-up” now applies to 30 and above. To them, it is not just high school and college that are reserved for being young and wild and making mistakes, but their early twenties as well. Adulthood keeps getting pushed further and further into the future by each succeeding generation. We are lucky to have the luxury to postpone adulthood according to our timeline. We haven’t had a great depression, world war or other calamity to force maturity upon us. That may be changing.

There is a challenge facing young adults today, though it isn’t visible and doesn’t get a lot of press. It is cancer. It is the leading cause of death among 15-39 year-olds, excluding homicide, suicide and non-intentional injury. Particularly women in this age group, have a higher likelihood to develop cancer as incidence rates for women are higher starting at age 20, and for those 35-39, cancer incidence among females is more than 80 percent higher than among males. Additionally, those 25-34 face an increased incidence rate of invasive cancer. (Albritton, Caliguiri & Anderson, 2006)

While five-year survival rates have improved significantly for both pediatric and geriatric cancer patients over the past 30 years, they have not for those in the AYA group (Adolescents and Young Adults). There are many factors that impact this, including: lack of regular health screenings and the highest uninsured rate of any age group, as well as delayed diagnosis because younger people feel invulnerable and ignore symptoms, and the fact that cancer is often not suspected for younger individuals by medical professionals.

Luckily, people are starting to pay attention. There are numerous groups now advocating for the AYA community (list at the end of this article), and even a National Young Adult Cancer Awareness Week (in it’s seventh year), April 5-11, 2009. “Consider Cancer” is this year’s call to action for Vital Options International and all the advocacy organization members of the LIVESTRONG™ Young Adult Alliance with an emphasis on encouraging young adults to talk to their doctors, know the warning signs of cancer, understand what types of cancer they may be at risk for, and learn about cancer screening and healthy life style choices.

I never thought it would happen to me, and while I thought I was young to be getting cancer at 36, I now know many, many others who were diagnosed at a much younger age, including one friend who had a complete hysterectomy for ovarian cancer at age 27.

Here are just a few things I recommend to insure a healthier future:

Don’t forego health insurance. That time between when you are no longer eligible for insurance under your parents (usually 23) and you finally begin to feel somewhat successful in your career can be a struggle financially. On their own for the first time, most young adults are busy navigating retirement contributions, leases, utilities, and new furniture. Health insurance can seem like a logical expense to cut out when you’re young and healthy. It’s not.
Listen to your body. That strange ache or swelling or weird dry patch of skin could be telling you something significant. Don’t ignore it! The longer you wait to get something checked out, the more likely it is to grow and spread if it does end up being cancer. Being in a new town without a regular doctor, lack of insurance and other “excuses” can prevent you from getting help right when you may need it most.
Consider disability insurance. If you can’t afford health insurance, disability insurance definitely seems like a needless extravagance, but you are far more likely to become permanently disabled than you are to die from an accident or chronic illness, and if you are insured before any of these problems pop up, then you can’t be denied later, and your rates are also likely to be much cheaper.
Eat Right. There is more an more evidence that chemicals in processed foods and pesticides can lead to health problems of all kinds. Fast food is so cheap and convenient that it is difficult to forego, especially in this economy, but the cost of eating it could be your health. Michael Pollan says in his book, In Defense of Food, that in the past sixty years, Americans have spent the same portion of their income on two line items – food and healthcare – but the amounts have flip-flopped. As processed food has become cheaper and cheaper, healthcare costs have skyrocketed. Better to spend money on high quality, healthy food than doctors and drugs.
Don’t Smoke or if you already do, quit. Most of the risk factors for cancer can be controlled by our lifestyles. Exercise, eating right, getting enough sleep and controlling stress are all key, but the best thing you can do to reduce your cancer risk is not to smoke or spend time around people who do.
Get Screened. There are age appropriate screenings that you need to pay attention to such as colonoscopy, mammogram, pap smears and prostrate exams, and others that are dependent upon risk factors. Be aware of recommendations and get screened. You can also do self-checks at home for potential skin cancers and breast abnormalities.

Some organizations advocating for and providing services to young adults with cancer:

I’m Too Young for This
Empowering young adults affected by cancer through a weekly online radio show called Stupid Cancer, a great website full of resources, and a network of social groups across the country.

Cancer Care
Professional counseling, facilitated peer support groups, creative workshops and financial assistance for young adults with cancer.

Cancer Climber
Offering experiential and motivational adventures and excursions such as extreme mountain climbing and summit tours.

First Descents
An innovative camp experience for young adults with cancer offering kayaking, extreme sports and professional athletics.

Fertile Hope
Provides reproductive health information, support and hope to cancer patients whose medical treatments present the risk of infertility.

Planet Cancer
Award-winning young adult-focused community offering survivor retreat programs, social networking, and online forums with real world advice and inspiring stories.

Rise Above It
Provides grants and scholarships to young adult survivors and care providers who face financial, emotional and spiritual challenges.

Young Survivor Coalition
An international network of breast cancer survivors and supporters dedicated to the concerns and issues that are unique to young women and breast cancer.

Works Cited

Albritton, Karen, M.D., Caligiuri, Michael, M.D., Anderson, Barry, M.D., Ph.D., Nichols, Cherie, M.B.A., Ulman, Doug; Closing the Gap: Research and Care Imperatives for Adolescents and Young Adults with Cancer Report of the Adolescent and Young Adult Oncology Progress Review Group; August 2006; downloaded from http://www.livestrong.org/site/c.khLXK1PxHmF/b.2662637/k.DE41/AYAOPRG.htm

World Cancer Day

2009-02-04T14:50:00.000-08:00

Cancer is the leading cause of death around the world. Up to 84 million people will die of it between 2005 and 2015 without intervention, according to the World Health Organization, sponsors of World Cancer Day on February 4th. Their website states that more than 70% of the 7.6 million cancer deaths in 2005 occurred in low and middle income countries.

Reading these statistics once again made me feel grateful for the standard of care I received during my own cancer experience. I have often reflected on how fortunate I am not just to live in one of the wealthiest countries in the world, but in the city that the most people say they want to live according to a recent poll, and one that has top-notch medical treatment facilities. Even people who live in rural areas of this country have a more difficult time obtaining cutting-edge treatment.

As Americans, most of us rarely stop to reflect on just how good we have it. We don’t have to worry on a daily basis about clean water, a comfortable and spacious place to live, access to food, energy and health-care. I had the luxury during my cancer treatment, of access to reiki, retreats and programs targeted to cancer survivors, and, more recently, services for people in my specific age group. Many people in developing countries might be lucky to receive a diagnosis in time to do something about it.

Some incidents in the past few weeks have given me cause to ponder the many modern conveniences we take for granted in this country. They both make our lives easier, and also make us reliant upon them. The electricity in my condo went out for 45 minutes one night last week, and I realized how little of what I normally do was possible or convenient without it. I had just arrived home from a trip and was anxious to do laundry, make something to eat and watch a little television. Couldn’t do any of those things without electricity. It was nice to be forced to sit with a flashlight and a magazine and relax for a little while.

My experience, by any standard, was a very minor inconvenience. Just a few days later, my family experienced a much larger inconvenience, but one that even they describe as “having many silver linings,” even as they are still in the midst of it. The two-inches of ice that blanketed Kentucky and the surrounding region recently was lauded as the storm of the decade for that area the day before it hit, but I’m not sure anyone imagined just how bad it would get. Weighted down by ice, trees and power lines snapped under the pressure, and everything from roads to cell phone towers were coated with the cold, slippery substance.

Electricity was interrupted almost immediately, and for many, their main source of home heat as well. Over the ensuing days, phone service – including cell phones – would be impacted as well, and finally, even water pressure couldn’t be maintained without the electric pumps used to get the water out of the tanks and into the pipes. Even though one large tree is leaning against both of their homes, and part of one tree came through my parents’ bedroom ceiling one night as they were sleeping five feet away, my parents and sister’s family count themselves lucky. They huddled together around the fireplace at my parents’ house, and were able to cook meals on the gas stove. They had plenty of batteries to power radios and flashlights, and a neighbor who still had cell service so they could let everyone know they were doing ok. As my other sister and I kept each other up-to-date on the latest news, we marveled at how quickly the myriad communication methods we all rely upon daily can be cut off. It seems unthinkable in this day and age that we couldn’t communicate when normally there are so many ways for us to keep in touch.

Estimates are that it could take as much as a month to restore power to many, and trees still block the road-ways a week later in much of the area. My mom commented that far from being bored, it was taking most of their time just to survive. Cooking meals, chopping wood, boiling water – all tasks that might have been common in this country 50-100 years ago, depending upon where you live, or in many third-world countries even now. When I remarked to my sister that many people in the world live like this everyday, she replied, “At least they are used to it.”

Good point – and brings us back full-circle to the fact that we are both fortunate to have so many modern conveniences, and also completely reliant upon them. It is only when we find ourselves without them that we are able to fully appreciate how much modern technology brings to our lives, and how much it increases our life expectancy. Today, on World Cancer Day, I will be thinking about those who are not fortunate enough to have the standard of care that we take for granted. But in harmony with the mantra, “think globally, act locally,” I will be supporting organizations in my community that are doing their part to make the lives of cancer survivors easier. I hope you will too.

Happily Ever After

2009-01-10T15:43:00.000-08:00

When we were young, the stories read to us, or the Disney movies we watched in excited anticipation, almost always ended with the phrase, “and they lived happily ever after,” usually after the girl married the handsome prince and they rode off into the sunset. No wonder our expectations for love and life are so high! Happily ever after is a high standard - no fights, bounced checks, dented cars, screaming children or skinned knees - just sunshine and bliss and happiness forever and ever.

I have always felt that our entertainment was warping our view of reality. On TV and in the movies, everyone is beautiful and whatever problems they are having are wrapped up neatly in an hour (minus 15 minutes for commercials of course), their dialogue is full of the kinds of things you wish you could think of on the spot during your fight with your boyfriend, and they look better cleaning their house than I did at my high school prom.

There are studies that say people who watch a lot of TV tend to have a misplaced view of reality – feeling that the world is a more dangerous place than it is because of the violence and crime they see on the tube. For me, it has always been the opposite. I see happy people with great lives, love and talent, when I watch, and I wish my life were like theirs.

It’s easy to forget the wardrobe and makeup team and time it took to make Jennifer Aniston look effortlessly beautiful, and we rarely see the mundane parts of anyone’s life on television. No taking out the garbage, or scrubbing the kitchen floor or dealing with the clogged toilet. Their lives seem exciting and fulfilled, they rarely fight with their friends, and if they do, it’s always quickly and easily resolved.

The problem arises when we compare ourselves to the characters on television, in books or movies without the reality check of their personal trainers and chefs to help them keep in shape and eat right, and the overall fantasy of the silver screen. The truth is that behind the scenes even the beautiful people have problems and feel insecure.

We all want “happily ever after,” but there’s no such thing. Life is a journey filled with ups and downs, joys and sorrows, triumphs and disappointments. And what a boring life happily ever after would be anyway. What would life be without the occasional pain that teaches us our most important lessons? We have to be careful not to bring a happily ever after attitude to our own life events too. Weddings can be wonderful, but marriage will certainly be bumpy at best.

In cancer treatment, it’s easy to believe that life AFTER will be joyous again too. When you are doubled over throwing up or staring at your eyebrow-less face or bald head in the mirror, even normal life can seem like a fairytale. However, it takes a while to bounce back, though others in your life might not quite get that. Hair doesn’t grow back in a day, and neither does the idea that you are invincible. That might not ever return. A new perspective is born; and thank goodness for that. It can mean a new appreciation for the good things in your life, and a recognition that the challenges we feel are so insurmountable in daily life, are really not that bad after all.

Life is beautiful – and ugly, and desperate, and hard, and unfair, and peaceful, and loving, and joyous. And even if we don’t always have control of what happens to us, we always have control about how we respond. I have found that many of my biggest problems are of my own creation – they’re all in my head - and only I am capable of getting them out. Margaret Bonnano said, “It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis.” It might even be an hour-by-hour basis or a minute-by-minute basis, and when we find ourselves slipping into despair or life hands us a new challenge, we have the power to overcome it, and to find ourselves a stronger person on the other side.

Angels Among Us

2008-11-09T17:17:00.000-08:00

Two things prompted me to think of angels today. The first one is related to cancer, and the second one isn’t.

Imerman Angels is a non-profit that pairs cancer survivors with cancer fighters – those in the middle of their treatment or the beginning of their diagnosis. While Lance Armstrong defines a survivor as anyone who is diagnosed with cancer, from the day they are diagnosed, Jonny Imerman has to have a way to distinguish the two groups.

Diagnosed with cancer at age 26, Imerman had great support from family and friends, but never met anyone his age who was a cancer survivor while he was fighting his own battle. His own experience was the inspiration for his organization now helping so many others, and his goal is to make sure everyone diagnosed with cancer can talk immediately with someone else who is similar to them in age, gender and cancer type. These “angels” are walking, talking, living proof to inspire the newly-diagnosed that they too can beat the disease.

Jonny is the most enthusiastic, kind-hearted and loving soul you could ever hope to meet. He does his work with tremendous passion, and brings hope to so many. In that way, he is like the other angels I was reminded of today.

Matthew Shepard died on October 12, 1998, ironically, just one day after National Coming Out Day, and – unbelievably – ten years ago. At his funeral, Fred Phelps and other anti-gay members of his Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, picketed displaying signs reading: “God Hates Fags,” and “Matt in Hell.”

As a counter-protest, a group of supporters led by Matt’s close friend, Romaine Patterson, dressed in white robes with huge wings, and stood silently with their backs to Phelps’ crowd, making a human barrier between the two groups. This You Tube video depicts the story with great music, but many misspellings in the text.

This week as we have so much to celebrate in this country’s election of its first African-American President, we are also reminded that there are still great divisions among us. I don’t usually get political in this column, but it’s hard to ignore the divisive rhetoric whipped up by a long campaign season, and the outcome of three anti-gay ballot initiatives across the country.

Proposition 8 in California passed by half a million votes, removing the right of gay people in that state to marry. I have personally, never understood how consecrating a loving relationship between two individuals of the same sex in any way threatens the institution of marriage, and I am deeply disturbed that we spend so much time and energy on a topic that should be a non-issue - especially when there are so many important and true problems to worry about.

The labels we all wear don’t begin to describe us as individuals: Christian, gay, Muslim, Black, Republican, liberal, cancer-survivor, disabled, Latino, leader, friend, husband. Even “angel” isn’t the complete story, but a picture of a moment in time when we are at our best. I hope in time the labels won’t be necessary, and we can recognize the commonalities rather than the differences when we look someone in the eye.

I voted for Barack Obama in part because I felt he could bring us together as a country. I was convinced by his 2004 DNC speech that he would try when he said, “We are not a nation of blue states and of red states. We are the United States of America.” It is time for us all to find some common ground rather than continuing to hurl insults from the wings. I created a blog called Meet in the Middle in hopes of starting a dialogue on the issues. Join me in the middle, won’t you?

Your Cancer Risk: How Much Do You Want to Know?

2008-10-11T17:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes medical advancements can give us more information than we want to know. With the discovery of the BRCA 1 and 2 genes, mutations of which are responsible for breast and ovarian cancer, women can now find out their risk of developing these two cancers. That is both good and bad news. There are many factors to consider before being tested. Is there a history of either disease in your family? Do you belong to one of the ethnic groups at a higher risk?

The test is expensive, and may or may not be covered by insurance, and there is still a chance of discrimination if you find out you do carry the gene mutation, though Congress did pass an anti-discrimination law this year to protect against this problem. Perhaps most difficult, though, are the decisions you will face if you find that you are positive. Would you have prophylactic surgeries, removal of your ovaries and breasts, to reduce or eliminate your chances of getting cancer? Many women have.

What if you are single? Want to have kids? How do those factors weigh into a decision that may save your life? It’s really an unfair position to be put into, and at the same time, gives us a new power to preserve life that wasn’t available before. One young woman, Joanna Rudnick, currently in her early thirties, documented her experience of carrying the burden of knowing, as well as that of others in her film In the Family.

The film is currently being screened at events around the country and on PBS during October for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. You can also watch it online here through the end of the month. In the film, Rudnick struggles with her own desire to have children, juxtaposed against the chance that she could die if she waits too long to take preventative measures. In her thirties and single, she hears the ticking of a potential time bomb in addition to the proverbial biological clock.

I recognized, as someone also stated in the documentary, that women and men who test positive for this gene mutation feel the same as those of us who are cancer survivors. Many of the same emotional and psychological issues apply. You are forced to acknowledge your mortality, and to make medical decisions that will “mutilate” your body, but could save your life. It is an impossible position, really.

I can understand Joanna’s need to do so much research and talk to other women faced with the same decision. Her search allows us to go along for the ride, and will help many women who are also struggling with finding their own path. At one point in the film, Joanna’s boyfriend wonders, “Does she only like me because she wants my babies, and she wants them quick?” All single woman of a certain age have probably dealt with this stereotype at some point, and those with a cancer history or probability likely feel it more acutely. As if finding the right person weren’t already difficult enough, the added pressure of a deadline is just so unfair!

I recently received my second cancer diagnosis. As always, the wait for test results can be the worst part. I knew when they asked me to call them for my biopsy results that it was “bad” news. If it had been all clear they would have just said so on the voicemail. Then when I told the receptionist my name, there was a long hold. I figured they were getting the doctor to deliver the verdict. Turns out it was a nurse.

Luckily this one was much less serious than my first. A small basal cell carcinoma (skin cancer) on my shoulder/back was dealt with in a minor office procedure at my dermatologist’s. Five stitches later, I will have a small scar, but we got all the margins, so it’s all gone this time. I have had two other scary-looking moles removed, but both biopsies were negative. This one was a tiny, innocuous-looking pink bump that I noticed back in the spring and was just too busy to worry about until fall. Meeting a melanoma survivor in July at the LIVESTRONG Summit in Ohio lit a fire under me to find a dermatologist when she told me her diagnosis began with a small pink bump on her shoulder in her early twenties.

My chances of getting more of these is higher now, so I will have to be even more vigilant about watching for changes in my skin and using sunscreen. I always figured skin cancer was in my future. I’m fair-skinned, and I life guarded for eight years starting at sixteen. I grew up on a lake, guide whitewater canoe trips, and I live in Colorado, where the elevation puts us closer to the sun’s rays and we get more than 300 days of sunshine a year.

Whether getting a genetic test or taking part in recommended screenings, there are many things you can do to reduce your risk of getting cancer. Go here to read more about them.

Find out more about genetic testing here.

Even if you missed the television event on September 5th, it’s not too late to Stand Up to Cancer. Find out how.

Watch a three-minute preview of In The Family here.

Cancer: By The Numbers

2008-09-19T06:45:00.000-07:00

Statistics are used and abused so regularly that they have lost the power to impact us. We hear so often that 1 in 5 “this” and 30-percent “that,” and half “the other,” that we don’t really realize what the numbers are saying to us. I don’t know if the numbers I am going to share in this article will be any different. Personal stories are much more likely to tug at our heart-strings and make a real impact.

Given that, let me ask you this: Do you know anyone who has been affected by cancer? Lost a loved one, has a friend who was diagnosed, or is even a survivor themselves? I doubt there’s a person in the world who can answer no to that question. Everywhere you go, someone has a personal story – or several. In my family alone, my uncle and grandfather both died of cancer in the past year, and I was diagnosed two years ago. I’m sure you have a similar story.

Cancer is the 2nd leading cause of death behind heart disease, according to the American Cancer Society. In 2008, they estimate that more than half a million Americans will die from cancer. That number accounts for 22-percent of all deaths - one-third of those deaths from lung cancer alone. From 1950 to today, the death rate from heart disease has dropped dramatically, while cancer deaths have dropped only slightly.

In 1971 Richard Nixon declared war on cancer, and yet 1.5 million Americans are newly diagnosed each year. In terms of personalizing these statistics in order to help them hit home, the ones regarding people under 40 are especially significant to me.

• Cancer incidence in young adults (15-39) has doubled over the past 30 years to nearly 70,000 diagnosis each year.º

• Roughly 10,000 young adults (YA) die each year due to cancer.º

• The 5-year survival rates in YA has not improved over the past 30 years¹ and currently hovers on average in the low-to-mid 60% range. (As compared to high 80's in children and older adults)

• Why? Three reasons: delayed diagnosis, access to clinical trials and age-appropriate peer support that contributes to quality of life.º

These statistics were taken from the website of I’m Too Young for This, a cancer advocacy organization for young adults. The National Cancer Institutes is their source. These are the numbers that frighten me the most. Cancer diagnoses are hitting adults at younger ages – a population that “isn’t supposed to get cancer.” Another organization, SeventyK is advocating for this population and has developed a Young Adult Cancer Bill of Rights to establish a standard of care to meet the needs of this underserved population.

Young adults may also be at greater risk because of lack of health insurance. Between the end of college and the beginning of new careers, many twenty-somethings forego health coverage as an expense they can’t afford. Coupled with the fact that employers are placing more of the burden on employees and other expenses of this age group loom large, new workers who are young, and healthy assume they can go without. As many as 15 million people between the ages of 18 and 34 are now living without medical coverage.

Of course, medical care is becoming a larger issue for all Americans as costs skyrocket and coverage shrinks, even as premiums and deductibles rise. This article from The Philanthropy News Digest details the “perfect storm” of economic factors that is hurting working families. Additionally, President Bush has proposed deep cuts in funding to the CDC, NIH and NCI over the past two years, the first funding decreases since 1970. These three organizations play a vital role in our nation’s health, and the research they fund has the potential to develop new treatments and save thousands of lives.

This month (September) is Ovarian Cancer Awareness month, another fact that has personal significance to me. Cancer also got a prime-time slot on all three networks on September 5th, as Stand Up To Cancer aired. The show featured 50 celebrities and medical experts, seeking to raise money to support research since government funding has been cut every year since 2003.

Even as one person, you can make a difference in these numbers. Here’s how:

• VOTE – Who you cast your ballot for, donate to or volunteer for does make a difference this election year. Research candidates at all levels carefully for their stance on healthcare and support of funding for research.
• SUPPORT – causes that are important to you with your time and money. There are countless organizations working on this important issue. Get involved with one or more today.
• SHARE – these and other resources with friends and family members. Knowledge is power. There are great resources to help no matter what your circumstance. Help your loved ones access help.
• CHECK – your own body for signs of trouble. Suspicious moles, strange symptoms, unusual aches and pains could be signs of a larger problem. Listen to your body and seek the advice of a doctor immediately when symptoms occur.

Control

2008-06-10T17:15:00.000-07:00

There are some aspects of my life that help me feel a modicum of control over my health, and these are becoming more important to me – exercise, eating right, getting enough sleep, and managing my stress through meditation and yoga. I do a decent job on most of them, most of the time, but when I get busy with work or travel, most of it goes out the window. I know I’m not the only one who struggles with maintaining a regular fitness routine. I love how I feel when I exercise, but still have a tough time motivating myself to do it. I have been told making an appointment with yourself is the key – to literally schedule an appointment in your planner and honor it as you would a commitment to anyone else. I vow to try that and see if it works.

I tend to think since I work from home, that I am flexible, and can wait until the right moment when I need a break, and then I will stop to exercise. The problem is the right moment never comes. Something pressing is always there to fill the time, and before I know it, another day is gone and it’s time to think about what to fix for dinner. I find it interesting that we have the most difficult time honoring our commitments to ourselves. Most of us would never stand-up a friend or skip a meeting with a client – we try our best not even to be late for these appointments. However, most of us find it quite easy to reneg on a promise we made to ourselves.

I marvel at the women who have families to care for, and still manage to find time for exercise and taking care of themselves. These days, most of us are juggling work, family, aging parents, volunteer work and countless other demands on our time. Why is it that I can’t prioritize exercise when I live alone and work from home, and have the most flexible schedule in the world? When I have more to do, I magically find a way to get it all done, and I have heard the same from many a job applicant during the interview process, so perhaps that’s the key. Flexibility is not always our friend. Typically, having a lot on our plates helps us to balance everything better.

These days, it is easy to feel that our lives are out of control 90% of the time – not only on a day-to-day basis, but for the long haul as well. So many of us are just trying to keep our heads above water that life can feel overwhelming to the extreme. I sometimes feel as if we are just going with the flow, doing what is expected, being good citizens and following some prescribed plan for our lives without any real thought as to what we want.

My 20-year high school reunion is coming up this summer, and I have been reading postings on the website about my classmates and what they’ve been up to since graduation. I was surprised to read that many of them have children in high school, and my jaw just about hit the floor when I read that a few of them are grandparents! It made me wonder how many of us wake up one day with surprise at the life we find ourselves in. Would it have been what we would have mapped out for ourselves, or is it something we could never have imagined?

I certainly haven’t followed the typical route in life, or the one I thought I would follow. I was doing an interview for a magazine the other day and the reporter asked me how my cancer diagnosis impacted my life. There are so many answers to that question, but I told her about my change in perspective. When you are suddenly faced with your own mortality, you view your life in a whole different way. I recognized right away that I might not live to see old age, or to meet my grandchildren; and then, almost immediately that I probably actually wouldn’t even have children, much less grandchildren.

At first, this was an overwhelmingly sad thought, and then when I explored those feelings more, I realized that children were never high on my list to begin with, but rather, something I thought I would do because it’s just what you do. That experience of being a mother is such a quintessential female longing it seems, and being a woman doesn’t feel complete in some ways unless you are a mother. I love children, but don’t feel the need to have my own. However, motherhood is such an expected role for women in our society that is almost makes me uncomfortable to write this, and I have friends who get tired of answering questions about when they will have children. It is difficult for society to accept that some of us don’t choose that path.

I have spent a great deal of time over the years, comparing my life to others’, and wishing for things I don’t have – a high paying job, a fantastic boyfriend, a new car, a big diamond engagement ring, an exotic vacation, adorable children – but when I really look at my life, I am very, very happy with what I have, and I wonder again if I wanted those things because some larger force is making me feel that I should? A good friend shared this phrase with me a long time ago, and it is so appropriate. I remind myself of it often: “Don’t should on yourself.”

When I am completely honest with myself, the most important things to me are: work that makes a difference (and supporting me at a minimal level of comfort is a bonus), good friends, time to do the things I enjoy – spend time outdoors, attend cultural events, read and travel – and family. I may not ever have kids, but I have the best parents and sisters anyone could ever ask for, and a great brother-in-law and amazing niece and nephew to boot. The fantastic boyfriend is still on the wish list, but I have no doubt he will show up eventually, and hopefully turn into a fantastic husband someday as well.

The truth is, we do have control of how our lives turn out, and if at any moment we aren’t happy with the way things are going, we can change them. Sometimes it takes a catalyst like cancer, divorce or getting fired, and other times, it just takes awareness. Too many of us are merely surviving, and not always paying attention to what we truly want. Take control of your life, and figure it out. There is nothing more important.

Questions

2008-03-27T20:41:00.000-07:00

“How are you feeling?” People ask me that all the time now – especially those I see only occasionally. Or “How ARE you?” said slowly and with emphasis. “Is everything ok?” is another common one. All of these are code for “What’s going on with your cancer?” They are not inappropriate questions. The people asking them truly care about me, and want to know how I’m doing. I guess none of us is all that sure just how best to ask. I’m not totally sure how to answer either. I usually respond with something pithy and upbeat like, “Feeling great! Totally back to normal,” to let them know that I know what they’re really asking about.

I appreciate their concern and interest, but the truth is, I wonder if I will ever return to being just me, or will I always and forever now be the girl who had cancer? When I was in treatment, there was an outpouring of support – cards, phone calls (my cell phone bills were out of control), gifts, and visits. Those have ended now, and truthfully, I miss them. It’s such a balancing act – all this stuff that comes along with a cancer diagnosis. Many of us want to return to “normal” as soon as possible and never have any reminder that we were ever “sick.” Others immerse themselves in their newfound cancer community or get really involved with serving the cause – raising money, promoting awareness or taking some kind of leadership role.

I am somewhere in-between, I guess. On the one hand, I write a monthly column about my experience as a single woman dealing with cancer, and there are certain aspects of this disease and its causes that I think about regularly. On the other hand, I am completely confident that I am ok, and I don’t worry about the cancer coming back or think about it on a daily basis. None of us really knows, of course. The cancer could come back anytime, or strike someone new who just the day before never dreamed they would be affected.

Many cancer survivors have said there is no longer any such thing as normal, that we must get accustomed to a new normal. That idea makes a lot of sense. Cancer brings gifts as well as hardships, and for most of us, our lives will never be the same. For some, survival brings a new lease on life, the end to a destructive relationship they didn’t have the courage to leave before, or the advent of a new passion to explore personally or professionally. For others, it brings only surgery scars, early onset menopause and depression. Most of us probably have some combination of both the gifts and the doubts.
What is normal anyway? Does such a thing exist? And if it does, who really wants to be “normal?”

Whatever they are, others’ questions help us know that someone cares. This has always especially been the case for me. I’m not sure exactly where it came from, but somewhere along the way, I developed the idea that people who don’t ask me personal questions, don’t care about me. I have discovered that this is not always the case, but the idea persists for me nonetheless. Probably I feel this way because that is how I let others know I care about them – I ask them about their life, their recent trip, their ailing mother, or how their dissertation is going. It is my way of saying, “I remember that you went on vacation, and I’m interested in hearing about it because you’re important to me.”

A friend and I were having lunch the other day and she pointed out that we give others what we want them to give us. She brought it up in relation to her romantic relationship, but it really applies in any situation, and it is so true, isn’t it? The problem can occur when we fail to communicate what we really need, and assume the other person will just KNOW. Men complain about this all the time in regard to women. They want us to tell them what we want, but we too often expect them to divine it on their own – and some women go so far as to believe that if they really loved us, they would figure it out. Sometimes, even we don’t know what we want – we just know it’s something other than what we’re getting.

Given that, it’s important for us to ask ourselves the big questions as well. Two of the biggest are: Who are you, and what do you want? Some others: What makes you happy? What do you value? What can you not live without? Where are you going? What do you want to be when you grow up? What do you believe? The list is endless. Pick up a journal or sit down to meditate and start figuring out the answers. There is an old joke about Unitarian Universalists – the liberal faith tradition that I ascribe to – that we question the answers. Many turn to religion to answer their questions, and give them a theology to cling to. We, on the other hand, tend to stir up questions and encourage people to find their own path. That is probably why it appeals to me so much.

Whatever your questions, I hope you are able to answer them, and more importantly, I hope you have people in your life to ask!

Bad News & A Way to Help

2008-03-19T18:59:00.000-07:00

Single Diva and cancer-survivor extraordinaire Vivy Porter won't be seen on Lifetime's Side Order of Life again this summer/fall. The network announced today that the show has been canceled. Or rather, they didn't really announce it, but quietly pulled it from the line-up. Go here to read more: http://www.pastdeadline.com/2008/03/there-will-be-n.html

I just read in this week's issue of Newsweek about a progressive cancer study being undertaken by the American Cancer Society called CPS-3. They are ambitiously looking for 500,000 people between the ages of 30-65 who have never had cancer. They have 23,000 so far the article says. The study will follow participants for 20 years in an effort to figure out who gets cancer and why.

Unfortunately, this study doesn't appear to be specifically looking at the one age group in which survival rates have not improved over the last 30 years - those 15-39 - however, the results will still provide much-needed information in the fight against cancer. If you are interested, go to cancer.org to learn more or click here to enroll in the study.

You Are What You Eat

2008-03-16T17:19:00.000-07:00

I ate dinner at Burger King tonight. I blame it on the crazy day I had – eating a late breakfast and working feverishly all day on too many projects, all of which seemed equal in priority, skipping lunch for an afternoon hair appointment which ran late, so that I was rushing back home to get my things for a meeting across town. It was only as I was sitting in traffic because of an accident that I realized how low on gas I was. I shifted the options back in forth in my mind: I can probably make it to the meeting and then get gas afterward. Followed by: I am already 20 minutes late because of the traffic, five more minutes won’t make that much of a difference, and I have an ironclad excuse. I got to the meeting 30 minutes late after stopping to put $5 in the tank – which barely moved the needle above E – only to find that the person I was meeting had also gotten stuck in the traffic and didn’t show for another 20 minutes. Meeting complete, it is now 7 p.m. and even though I had a pretty substantial breakfast for once, it had been ten hours ago.

I know that was a long story to justify my fast-food fix, and that what I described is familiar to many of you. The truth is, I feel the need to justify those now, whereas before I ate fast-food or delivery pizza 3-4 times a week without even thinking about it. Now, once a month seems like too much. As I was sitting there in the drive-thru looking at the menu, I realized why, with the triple-stacker staring me in the face – three beef patties, six strips of bacon, and three slices of cheese on a sesame seed bun – 800 calories, nearly 500 of them from fat. Suddenly, I understood why this country is having an obesity epidemic. These counts don’t even take into consideration the fries and drink! My double-cheeseburger kid’s meal – at 410 calories – paled in comparison to the other mega menu items. Since when did a triple anything become necessary?

As a cancer-survivor, I am more concerned about my diet than I was before, though I still wouldn’t consider myself a fanatic about it. I know other survivors who eat almost entirely vegetarian or even mostly raw vegetables now. I admire them. I don’t know how they do it – especially when traveling limits the options so much. Now that I work from home, it is easier for me to eat healthier with less planning ahead. I have never eaten a lot of junk food – potato chips, snack cakes or candy bars – though I do love an occasional hot fudge sundae or Little Debbie Swiss Cake Roll. But now I am eating much more broccoli, less meat, and I have even added kale to my diet. I didn’t even know what that was until a few months ago!

I did used to have a serious addiction to Coke. Mom wouldn’t let us drink it very often growing up (thank you Mom), and I rebelled in college by drinking about a six-pack a day. The zits and freshman 15 soon broke me of that habit, but it wasn’t until the past few years that I have been able to give it up almost entirely. (I did have one tonight as part of my kid’s meal, though milk and apple juice are now options too.) I mostly drink water now, rarely having anything else with meals – milk sometimes, and iced tea in restaurants.

The thing is, I believe that our overly-processed food is killing us. It is causing diabetes at staggering rates, obesity-related diseases through the roof, and yes, even cancer. I have been reading a lot about food lately, and we should all feel indebted to those authors who are exposing the problems with the corporate-driven, agri-business food supply and terrible eating habits in this country. Barbara Kingsolver, Michael Pollan and Kris Carr to name a few. Super Size Me and Fast Food Nation were also enlightening on the film front.

Ever wonder why there has been such a sharp spike in ADD and ADHD rates among children? Look no further than their sugar-laden diet. Who wouldn’t be hyperactive after eating sugared cereal and super-sweet juice for breakfast, drinking soda during the day, Twinkies in the lunch box, a mid-afternoon candy bar snack, and a huge bowl of ice cream after dinner? Sugary treats even masquarade as quick breakfasts on the go now in a variety of “bars” – cereal bars, breakfast bars and even granola bars pack in the high fructose corn syrup. In Super Size Me, Morgan Spurlock highlighted one Wisconsin school that eliminated all of its student behavior problems with one change. Instead of serving buy-in-bulk processed lunches, they bought locally produced food and made healthier meals from scratch. That’s it.

In his book, In Defense of Food, Michael Pollan notes that proportionally, Americans spend the same amount now as they did in 1960 on two major budget items – food and healthcare – only the percentage in each category has reversed. We now have access to cheaper and cheaper processed food-like substances, but we are spending much more on the diseases that this type of eating causes. As Pollan says, “Right now you have the food industry creating patients for the healthcare industry.” Doesn’t it make you kind of sick just thinking about how corporations are making large profits at the expense of our health? Pollan also suggests that if the government were paying for healthcare in this country, it would be far less likely to cave in to the food industry in making eating recommendations and setting policy.

We do have free will, and it’s time we exercised it by making better food choices. I have begun reading labels for the first-time ever. Pollan recommends we don’t eat anything with more than five ingredients or any ingredient we can’t pronounce. I also joined a CSA – these community-supported agriculture programs are popping up all over. Buy a “share” in the spring to support the seeds and labor of planting crops, possibly donate a little of your own sweat equity in weeding and watering, and reap the benefits of a big box of fresh produce every week through the summer and fall. Go in with friends though, as the shares yield large quantities of veggies.

It is very difficult, and often more expensive to eat healthily in today’s America. Choosing wisely from the menu is hard, and portion sizes are out of control. The large beverage of my youth is now smaller than the kid’s size at the movie theater. Many places don’t even have a small size anymore – it starts at “medium” or “regular” on the menu. Organically and locally grown produce is more expensive, and not everyone can afford to avoid processed and packaged food. Their price and convenience make them staples in lower socio-economic groups. However, farmer’s markets are growing in popularity, as are CSAs. Buying directly from the source has several benefits – you know where your food is coming from and can ask questions about how it was grown, you eliminate the middle-man, which can save money and also means your food wasn’t packaged and shipped for days to reach you, not to mention you are supporting the local economy and farmers with sustainable practices while creating a smaller carbon footprint at the same time. Win-win-win.

Finally, the slow food movement is catching on around the world. Started in Europe as a response to western fast-food creeping into their culture, slow food suggests that our eating should be based on quality, taste, environmental sustainability and social justice. It draws us back to a time when families sat down at the dinner table together to eat the same thing (and not individual meals nuked in the microwave). I have some friends who have hosted slow food events for groups of friends, and think it is a tradition worth continuing. If we truly are what we eat, we all need to be more intentional about what that is.

Side Order of Life

2008-03-16T13:52:00.001-07:00

Lifetime Television's Side Order of Life, has one season under its belt. Many, many young cancer survivors are hoping for a second one. The show features character Vivy, a single woman in her thirties in treatment for breast cancer. Vivy has been called the first realistic, young cancer survivor ever depicted on television. For those of us living with this disease, that portrayal is an important affirmation that we too are living with the disease, and not being beaten by it. Keeping this character, and excellent show on the air is important as it will hopefully encourage other networks and entertainment executives to create similar portrayals.

The cause of keeping the show on the air has been taken up by the young adult cancer community. Andrea Wong, Lifetime's CEO has been deluged with mail and phone calls pleading with her to save this show. These kinds of campaigns have worked in the past. Please add your name to the list of survivors who want to continue to see good television like SOOL. Call 310-556-7500 and let Ms. Wong's assistant know you want to see the show back for a second season, or send take out menus to this address, and ask that SOOL be kept "on the menu":
LIFETIME ENTERTAINMENT
c/O ANDREA WONG
World Wide Plaza
309 West 49th Street
New York, N.Y. 10019

This movement is even getting some press in Hollywood. To read about it, go here: http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/hr/content_display/news/e3i2db2b6662428870c0daf12d4aafd0ef0

70K - Aged 15-39 Diagnosed with Cancer Yearly

2008-03-07T13:46:00.000-08:00

I just found out about one of the coolest efforts on behalf of young people with cancer. Did you know there were 70,000 of us diagnosed every year? Did you know that while survival rates for most age-groups have improved dramatically over the past 30 years, for people 15-39, not so much. Not at all, even. Whether it's access to screenings or being taken seriously by doctors, this problem clearly needs some attention. If you support the rights of this group in dealing with their cancer diagnosis, please go here: http://www.seventyk.org/ and sign on as a supporter of this: (Watch the video too.)

Adolescent and Young Adults Cancer Bill of Rights.

We are neither pediatrics nor geriatrics,
we have unique needs - medically, socially, and economically.

However, the rights and dignity of adolescent and young adults are
equal and vital to all individuals.

We deserve to have our beliefs, privacy,
and personal values respected.

Access to care is a right,
not a privilege.

Our rights, as we perceive them to be and intend to preserve them, are:

The right to be taken seriously when seeking medical attention to avoid late diagnosis or misdiagnosis, and entitlement to separate and confidential discussions regarding our own care.
The right to affordable health insurance, as well as early detection tests unhindered by insurance or socioeconomic status.
The right to be offered fertility preservation as well as current information and research regarding ongoing and potentially lifelong effects of cancer treatment that would affect our fertility.
The right to be informed about available clinical trials and given reasonable access to them.
The right to untethered access to adolescent and young adult cancer specialists and, when requested, a second opinion regardless of insurance or geographic location.
The right to access a social worker or caseworker who is well-versed in adolescent and young adult cancer specifics.
The right to “generationally applicable” psychosocial support.
The right to have our insurance and position as a student or employee protected by law while dealing with our cancer in order to minimize discrimination.
The right to clear explanations regarding the long-term side effects of our disease and its treatment, and to be offered all available and applicable physical reconstruction and rehabilitation options.
The right to have all of our treatment options explained to us in full detail, to have our questions answered, and to receive clarification when requested so that we can be an active part of our own care.

Preserve our potential.

Hooray for 70K.org Help spread the word!

Hallmark Holidays: A Single Cell

2008-02-18T17:37:00.000-08:00

I was going to post something about retreats this month, but then Valentine’s Day rolled around, and I decided someone who writes about issues from a single perspective couldn’t pass up this opportunity to address the holiday I like to call “Singles Awareness Day.” I think if you show any disdain for V-Day and you’re single, people assume it’s bitterness shining through. I used to get excited about getting flowers on February 14th when I was dating someone, and I still delight in the cards I receive from friends and family now when there is not a significant other. I even sent out my own custom-made cards this year to the special people in my life, and took the extra step of sending them through Loveland, CO to have them hand-cancelled by volunteers with the annual city of love stamp.

Even given all of that, I still think Valentine’s Day, like Christmas and Easter, has become more about commercialism than the real reason for each of those venerated celebrations. As someone who has signed onto the idea of the Compact, and bought very little new since last June, I have been appalled at just how consumer-driven our culture has become. Many others have as well, as evidenced by the popularity of the San Francisco-based Compact and the recent growth in popularity of FreeCycle. We are beginning to recognize that blatant consumerism is damaging our environment and our culture. More and more of us are waking up to a different way of living – realizing that we don’t have to have the very latest electronic gadget to be happy, and that we can probably borrow or buy used, much of the “stuff” that we really need.

It is so easy to let the marketplace with its expensive advertising, tell us what we need to be happy. It takes much more intentionality and thought to choose to live differently. The array of things that will supposedly make our lives better is endless, and the amount of time we are spending at work in order to buy them continues to grow. Personally, I would rather have more free time and control over my work schedule than all of the shiny new stuff that clutters up my living space. Really, how special do you feel to get a dozen roses or a piece of jewelry or a nice dinner out because some holiday prescribes it necessary? Isn’t it far better to have love shown by family, friends and romantic partners on an ordinary day through simple gestures – a card or note, a great massage or even a thoughtful email?

My family started some new Christmas traditions a few years ago that I am proud of, and which have turned out to be so much more fulfilling than any store-bought gift we could give. We started by deciding not to buy gifts at all, but donate the money we would have spent to worthy charities instead. On Christmas morning, we would share stories about where our donations went to, and how we chose them. Next, we decided to reinstate gifts, but rather than buying for everyone, we would draw a name and make our gift.

The gifts over the past five years of this tradition have been more meaningful and special than anything available in a store for any price! I have a talented family, so some of the gifts are still quite extravagant – soft quilts, beautiful cross-stitch, paintings, candles and gorgeously crafted furniture. Others have been simpler, but even more meaningful: scrapbooks, memory books, and CDs and DVDs with special songs or precious memories. This new tradition nourishes our creativity and invites us to express our feelings through our gift. The best part is that there are no returns, and everyone always loves what they get.

Colleen Anderson started a great tradition in Denver that is still going strong. She received chemo after her diagnosis, like me, with ovarian cancer. In 2002, she started Project Valentine, to deliver goody bags to men, women and children getting chemo on Valentine’s Day. Even though Colleen passed away this year from her cancer, her legacy lives on in the non-profit she started. Her friends and family, with the help of many volunteers, have kept the project going. If you think it’s bad being single on Valentine’s Day, imagine having to sit through hours of chemotherapy, and then deal with the associated side-effects for the next week! Doesn’t put you in a very romantic mood.

The project started in November with a meeting and the divvying of duties. Volunteers signed up to solicit donations of bags, books, DVDs, bracelets, lotion, candy, hats, scarves and other items. Others got cash donations to buy needed items, stored donations in their garages and rallied volunteers to decorate hundreds of valentines. There was a Saturday devoted to sorting and counting and filling candy bags, and another to assembling the bags. On the 14th, despite three inches of snow covering a quarter inch of ice on everything in Denver, drivers fanned out across the city to deliver the bags to infusion centers. Some of us were lucky enough to be able to distribute bags to patients directly, and chat with them for a few minutes. The smiles and gratitude from the recipients made the months of hard work and the braving of bad roads all worth it.

I admit I used to call Valentine’s Day Black Thursday, and my single friends and I would dress in all black in mock-protest of the “lovers holiday.” Now I realize how great it is to celebrate love in any form. This year I celebrated my love for me by having an evening all to myself. I lit a fire in the fireplace, cooked a great meal and curled up with a good book. I even got out the guitar I have been promising to learn for the past eight months and taught myself how to tune it – a great start! I went to bed with such a huge smile on my face and deep love in my heart for myself and for life. Who wouldn’t want to celebrate that?