Relationship

The past few months have opened my eyes to so many patterns in my romantic relationships that have held me back for years. Through reading, seminars, courses and coaching, I have begun to see the myriad of ways that I keep myself from experiencing true connection and love. What a gift it has been to recognize these patterns, so I can begin breaking them.

Control vs. Surrender

Ask anyone who knows me and I’m sure they’ll tell you I like to be in control, and believe it or not, I was totally unconscious of this until recently. I think all of us have control issues to some extent, but I really didn’t know how far mine extended and how much it affected my relationships. Wanting to be in control is one way that we unconsciously try to protect ourselves. This can manifest as controlling your emotions, what your dates are like (where you go, what you eat, how it will all play out and when they will take place), and perhaps even planning out the entire relationship. Have you ever thought about  what kind of cake you’ll have at your wedding before the second date?

While I don’t think I was quite that bad, I see now how my need for control held me back from allowing myself to be vulnerable. Being open and sharing is key to intimacy, and I complained constantly about the lack of intimacy in my relationships – always blaming the men for not being more open, of course. I can see now that I wasn’t very open in a true sense either, always putting my best face forward, and not sharing my fears and failures. (See more on this below in the vulnerability and authenticity section.)

We not only try to control ourselves, but our partners as well. We see all the things they are doing “wrong,” and genuinely want to help them. When we point out these issues and offer “advice” though, we come off as nags, and send the message that our guy isn’t good enough. This does not make for good romance.  

Laura Doyle shares in her book The Surrendered Single, what we all already know if we just think about it for a minute. Our guys want us to be happy. They will do quite a bit to insure our happiness. We don’t have to manipulate or control to get what we want. We just have to ASK. Why is this so hard? Men have been lamenting for years that they can’t in fact, read our minds. We get upset when they don’t do what we want – no wonder they’re frustrated – how about we just try asking.

Independence

Have you ever heard that men need to be needed? I’m guessing you have. This has been a big one for me to really get. I have male friends who would rather I call them than a plumber when I have a problem with my toilet or sink. This is so difficult for me to understand. I feel like a total burden when asking for help with stuff around the house, and don’t feel as if I can ask my friends, especially if I haven’t seen them for a while. They, on the other hand, love to help out whether it’s a ride to the airport or help with the dripping sink in the bathroom, and are usually not just available to do so, but thrilled to be able to be helpful. Wow!

I am now recognizing how my independent, “I can do it myself” attitude occurs for men, whether they are strangers or friends. They want to help and when they offer and I don’t accept they are actually emasculated. Really?!  Since realizing this, I am super conscious of accepting offers of help from men. It doesn’t mean they see me as weak and incapable of doing it myself, as I might have previously misunderstood. Put that heavy bag in the overhead for me, sure. Carry that box to the car, absolutely!

Independence is one of my strong suits – practices I use to get me through difficult times in my life. Adopting an independent attitude has served me well for many years in a variety of ways, but it has not helped in the romance department.  If men need to be needed and I don’t need any help, thank you very much, then where does that leave me? You guessed it. Sitting home alone on Saturday night.  

Giving & Receiving

Ok, this is another imbalance that has left me scratching my head for years. I am a super giving person and a two on the Enneagram. That means I will often put others’ needs before my own. This should make me the best girlfriend in the world, right? Hmmm. . . maybe not.

Turns out being a good receiver is pretty important too, and receiving is a feminine trait. Think about the physicality of sex for a moment: men give and women receive. Aha! Except I was always giving and actively deflecting receiving because of my personality type, independent streak and unwillingness to ask for help. Yikes! This obviously didn’t bode well for male/female relations.

Does this mean I shouldn’t ever give anything in a relationship? Of course not. I just have to maintain a balance and allow myself to receive more, while also perhaps giving a bit less. Giving to get people to like us is manipulative and controlling (remember what we talked about above?), even if it is unconscious. Look at the motivations behind your giving.  Are they selfless or is there an ulterior motive?

Vulnerability & Authenticity

We all think putting our best face forward it necessary in most parts of our lives. Think about the job interview, online dating profile and resume. We don’t mention our weaknesses, fears or flaws in these arenas. An ex-boyfriend even said to me once when I was showing him the scars on my stomach from multiple cancer surgeries, “Don’t point out your flaws.” He may be right that I didn’t need to point them out as if something was wrong with me, but it is ok to talk about how you feel about these things. In fact, it’s refreshing.

We all have weaknesses, vulnerabilities and things of which we are ashamed. Opening up about them gives others permission to do the same, and creates a new level of intimacy that probably wouldn’t have been possible otherwise. This is what relating to each other is all about. And relating to someone else in a deeper way is what makes a relationship.

I once led in my online dating profile with the fact that I was a total klutz. I used the phrase, “I could trip on a pattern in the carpeting.” My friend advised me to change it because, as she said, “People will find out about your shortcomings soon enough. You don’t have to point them out.” I got so many responses to that profile as men wrote to tell me about their quirks too. Numerous klutzes were drawn to tell me about how they had cut themselves shaving that morning, or tripped crossing the stage at their high school graduation. It gave us something to relate to about each other right off the bat.

We look at others and get intimidated by the fact that they are so successful or good-looking or wealthy, and we use that status to put them on a pedestal and assume they are somehow better than us. The truth is that each of those people likely once struggled, lost a job or important relationship, had zits or went bankrupt. Hearing about those struggles helps us better relate to them.

I learned in a relationship seminar once that sharing that which you are most afraid to share can open doors to the deepest levels of intimacy, so I asked someone I was seeing if he would share something he was ashamed of, and promised I would do the same. He said, “I already shared it last week.” Wow! I was thrilled that he felt comfortable enough to open up to me in that way, and I shared something that had previously been very difficult for me to admit.

Rather than react in alarm and disgust as I had imagined he and others in my life might upon learning this, he was sympathetic and even helpful in so many ways. He has since sent me tools, resources and provided support as I work through my issue. The same thing happened when I shared this confession with my mom – the person I was most ashamed of sharing it with.

This experience was incredible, and so eye-opening. It makes me sad to think that for years I lived my life being so ashamed of something that I was unwilling to share it with those who loved me the most, and that doing so was the key to deeper more meaningful relationships with those who are important to me.

What are you trying to control in your relationships? How could you surrender instead?

What traits do you have that keep you separate from others?

What could you share that you are most ashamed of?

Surrender

I am a control freak. I didn’t realize this until recently, but it is becoming clearer that, as a visionary, I nearly always have an idea in my mind about how things should go. And because of that, I like for things to actually go the way I envision. When they don’t appear to be doing so, I tend to get somewhat bent out of shape about it. There are both positive and negative aspects of being “visionary,” obviously, but recently I have been bumping up against the downsides repeatedly and painfully.

As a student of the Law of Attraction, I know that visioning is the first and perhaps most important part of the process of manifesting what I desire. To get what I want, I first have to know what that is, and then be able to see and feel what it will be like when I have it. I don’t have to know exactly HOW to get to that desired end-point, however, and this is where it gets tricky. I often DO see a path forward, and by the time I’ve gotten out my map, chosen a route and spent some time and energy planning it all out, I feel pretty invested in that direction.

Plans are all well and good until those pesky “other” people come into play. They often have ideas of their own, and they occasionally (frequently) differ from mine. Drat! At that point, there are a few techniques I typically employ to try to get MY way:

1. Explaining why I am right. I diligently and firmly explain why my plan is the best one. I really lay it on thick, because obviously, as soon as the “other people” truly understand the merits of my plan, of course, they will jump on board enthusiastically. It doesn’t typically occur to me that I am striving to persuade anyone of anything. I am just letting them know why I am right. I wonder why this isn’t usually effective?

2. Repeat Step One. Clearly, I didn’t do a good enough job explaining the finer points of my plan, so I do it again, more forcefully this time, and sometimes in a louder voice. How are they not getting this? There must be something wrong with them.

3. Telling them why they are wrong. This one is hugely popular, as you can imagine. It usually involves some aspects of points one and two illuminated now in a more condescending tone, and topped off with a good dose of all the flaws of the path they are charting. By this point I am super full of myself, which we all know is totally endearing, right?

Two recent situations have helped me see the benefit of surrendering my need for control and relinquishing my vision of how something would play out. One involved work and the other a personal relationship. Both were extremely challenging to me over an extended period of time, and I’m sure caused no end of angst for the “other people” involved as well. But once I made the decision to surrender, a weight was lifted. I felt lighter, more at ease and freer. Though the “rightness” of my stance still sometimes rears its ugly head, I can also feel freedom in the knowledge that along with control, I can also let go of the weight of responsibility for making things work out, and rest easy that other hands are carrying some of the burden.

About a decade ago, Laura Doyle ignited a firestorm with her Surrendered books for wives and singles, suggesting that women surrender to their men, and stop trying to control the way the relationship was going. She advised respecting men’s decisions for their lives, practicing good self-care, expressing gratitude for the things others do for you and allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

The idea of surrendering stirred up controversy among some who hadn’t read the books, and who misinterpreted the premise to be about submission to men’s desires and needs at the expense of our own (something perhaps women tend toward already). One human rights activist even went to so far as to liken this approach to slavery, suggesting that the author expected women to subvert themselves entirely to their man, becoming a kind of puppet.

I remember the hubbub around the books when they came out, and admit to feeling a significant amount of distaste for the idea of surrender, even buying into the feminist outrage about the misrepresentation of this concept. I had no interest in reading the book then – why would I want to surrender my control?

I am absolutely intrigued by this idea now, and totally see the power of this concept. To me, surrender simply means ceding control. It goes beyond gender issues, and speaks only of letting go, and knowing that I don’t have to try to steer the outcome of every single thing in my life. Whew! What an incredible feeling to trust other people to take care of it, trust the process to produce a great result, or even, as my intuition whispered to me recently, trust love, and know that whatever form it takes, it is real and I don’t have to manipulate it in any way.

Even though there are sure to be moments that scream for me to wield some sort of influence, assert my opinion or just feel strongly that something must be WRONG, surrendering, in and of itself, is nothing short of blissful. I recognize there are numerous routes that lead to the same end, and that the view from the passenger seat can be really great and quite relaxing. The destination itself may even look different than expected, and that is ok too.

What are you trying to control that is stressing you out?

What does the idea of surrender look like to you?

To what or to whom could you surrender in order to feel freer?

Single

During this month associated with Black History and also love, many of us are still observing February 14 as “Singles Awareness Day.” In a workshop just over a year ago I asked the participants what “single” meant to them. The answers were: loser, alone, lonely and other similar words and phrases. I don’t think this is uncommon. I bought a book once titled: If I’m So Great, Why Am I Still Single? Even though more and more of us are staying single longer or becoming single again, there is still often a negative connotation to that word.

I have written before about Dean Ornish’s book Love & Survival and the role that social connection plays in our health and well-being. This post also noted that while the rise of social media has connected us with more people, the connections are not as deep or meaningful as they are face to face. Recently, I have had the opportunity to revise my thinking on this issue somewhat as I have formed a significant connection with someone who lives on another continent. While we only talk every few weeks by Skype, we have become quite close, and discovered we have a great deal in common in the way we view the world.

Social connection, and indeed love, can take many forms, and though more and more of us are choosing to live on our own, that doesn’t mean we lack community.

In fact, 50% of American adults are single and 31 million (1 in 7) of us live alone, according to the book Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone. People who live alone make up 28 percent of all U.S. households, making them more common even that those containing a nuclear family. This book suggests that while more of us live alone, we also tend to be more socially engaged outside the home than those with families.

There are even some activists such as Bella DePaulo, PhD, writing about how singles are “stereotyped, stigmatized and ignored, and still live happily ever after.” Her book Singled Out details the ways in which singles are discriminated against in our society (the single supplement on many trips and special event pricing for couples being two examples), the stereotypes we face and the fact that we are often labeled as selfish. She suggests that “family values” have been bastardized to leave out the vast majority of us who are raising kids as single parents, living alone or even part of same sex couples. The graphic indicates the extent of the tax discrimination singles face. I recently noticed this myself as I really scrutinized how much of my salary I never see with my 25% tax rate. It is staggering.

I believe singles have also stigmatized themselves, feeling, as the book title in the first paragraph suggests, that something must be wrong with us or we would indeed be coupled. For single cancer survivors, that stigma can be doubly or triply painful as infertility issues, scars and other body image issues, and the specter of illness and fear of recurrence all combine to make us wonder who will possibly love us NOW? We believe our past illness makes us somehow unworthy or undeserving of love, and sometimes wallow in self-pity, which does actually make us less desirable.

The truth is that all of us are whole and complete and worthy of love no matter what we have dealt with in our past. We all have something to offer, and a beautiful spirit to share with others, even if we are missing a breast, ovaries, a testicle or have physical and emotional scars from the experience of life and illness. It is truly only our own limitations that hold us back, and keep us from sharing the love in our hearts.

A Course in Miracles states that there are only two ways to be in the world – living in fear, or living in love. We are often afraid of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and share our love because we fear it won’t be returned or we will appear foolish. We hold back for fear the other person doesn’t feel the same way, or might not react the way we want them to. I am learning that the latter doesn’t matter nearly as much as I have thought in the past, and that no matter what, there is never anything wrong with sharing the way you feel with another person. It is indeed all that really matters.

We have all heard that love is the most important thing in life, and for those of us who don’t have romantic love at the moment, we have often made it mean that we are somehow lacking THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. It’s not true. We all have love in some form, and while most of us long to be loved by that one special person, it doesn’t diminish the love “that actually is all around us,” to paraphrase a favorite movie (Love Actually).

People in my life regularly say, “I love you,” to me. This is indeed a miracle, because it was only when I could allow myself to hear it and receive it that it began to happen with more frequency. At the same time, it is the most natural thing in the world to tell the people we love how we feel about them, and be so thrilled to hear it in return. What could possibly be bad about saying, “I love you?”

Who can you say “I love you” to?

What keeps you from feeling worthy of having love in your life?

What do you love the most about you?

Touch

Studies in orphanages and hospitals stress that infants deprived of skin contact lose weight, become ill and even die. To thrive newborns need touch as much as food. As children we instinctively seek out touch when we need it, and ask to be hugged or cuddled by our parents. As we grow older, we may not experience as much physical touch in our lives, and might not feel as comfortable asking for it.

Nothing can make us feel loved more than being touched. A pat on the arm, a back rub, a hug, or someone stroking our hair all send the message, “I care about you.” “You are loved.” When we don’t get this kind of physical contact, it can significantly contribute to feelings of loneliness and separation.

When I was going through cancer treatment, I had reiki sessions once a week to help me deal with the side effects. The sessions were seriously discounted and offered through a local program just for cancer patients. This “laying on of hands,” from an ancient Asian healing practice made a major impact on my nausea, bone aches and other chemotherapy side effects. Looking back on it now, I also recognize how emotionally healing it was during that difficult time to receive loving touch for an hour each week.

Programs like this one offer a valuable service to their clients during one of the most difficult times of their lives. I serve on the board of a similar organization that helps patients heal and reconnect with their bodies after treatment is complete through massage therapy. Cancer patients can often feel as if their bodies have betrayed them, and treatment takes a toll on even the most otherwise healthy person.

Massage can help patients deal with lingering pain or sensitivity in certain body parts. It also helps move toxic chemicals out of the system, and provides a sense of rejuvenation to the to the body. But perhaps the most significant part of the process is the opportunity to talk with a provider about what you’re going through as a patient or survivor, and to experience the connection that comes from allowing yourself to receive therapeutic touch.

When we are “sick,” people can be afraid they are going to hurt us in some way if they hug too hard or touch the wrong spot. If we have ports, IVs or other tubes and wires coming from our bodies, especially in the hospital, people can be even less willing to reach out physically. Let people know it’s ok and where there might be sensitive areas to avoid. Go a step further and let your loved ones know when you need to hold someone’s hand, get an extra-long hug or a foot rub. Whatever makes you feel connected and loved – be willing to ask for it.

I have used energy work such as reiki, healing touch and acupuncture to deal with many of the side effects of treatment and of menopause following my hysterectomy. All have had a profound impact on my physical issues, but perhaps just as strongly, if not more so, on my emotional well-being. The act of receiving is powerful, and all of these healing modalities ask only that you relax and allow yourself to receive the healing energy and touch being provided. There is something very profound about being able to receive in this way without any expectation of reciprocation. There are few times in our lives when we can do that, and many of us are not very good at receiving.

I had a conversation recently about physical affection. It was refreshing in the context of a romantic relationship to have someone tell me the type of affection he appreciates. We often expect people we are intimate with to be able to figure it out, or to read our minds about what makes us feel loved and connected. Even more ludicrously is when we get upset with them if they don’t give us what we want and need. Being able to recognize your own needs and communicate them to others is essential.

Saying to someone – whether they are a romantic partner, a friend or family member – “Can you hold my hand?” can feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you practice it, the more natural it seems. “I like it when you rub my lower back,” is a great phrase to insure you get more of what nurtures you. “Cuddling with you as we fall asleep is one of my favorite parts of the day,” not only communicates what you like, but acknowledges the other person for what they give to you.

Single people may not get as much affectionate touch as they need to feel healthy, connected and loved. As society becomes less dependent upon each other for our physical survival, the emotional connections we have had with others historically have also fallen away. Just because we no longer need the community to hunt and kill our food, or to live collectively to share the tasks of daily survival, doesn’t mean we are any less dependent upon each other for physical affection.

Living alone and being independent is becoming more and more the norm in modern society, and that can mean that many of us are starved for human touch and affection. My friend was brave enough to share how difficult is was for him to have grown up without a great deal of affection in his home, and now as a single adult, how isolating it could be to come home from a difficult day at work and not have someone to share that with or give him a hug and let him know it was going to be ok.

His confession brought tears to my eyes because I often felt the same way going through cancer treatment. Not having someone there to help you make the difficult decisions that need to be made about your health and treatment can leave you feeling overwhelmed, but not having someone there to give you a hug and tell you everything’s going to be ok is devastating.

Intuition

It’s been described as a still small voice deep inside each of us, a whisper, a gut feeling. What is intuition really, and how can we tell when it’s speaking to us? I have been thinking about this topic and having some breakthroughs on listening to my own intuition, and woke up this morning determined to write about it when I noticed in my email inbox an excellent piece by Martha Beck on just that. (see link below)

Her description of the two personalities of intuition hit me like a ton of bricks. I had just completed a weekend spiritual seminar in which I realized how fully I typically dismiss my intuition. I simply chalk it up to something else – some fantasy, or daydream of my conscious mind, and not really something deeper that can be trusted and followed to bring me greater joy.

Last January I participated in a retreat for cancer survivors at the famous Miraval spa in Arizona, and one afternoon I attended a program on intuition. At one point we were asked to partner with someone next to us who we didn’t know, and exchange a personal item – a piece of jewelry or clothing. We were led through a brief meditation to get centered and then told to pay attention to any messages we were getting about the person whose item we held.

Immediately, I saw images of a beautiful brown horse, and almost as instantly, I dismissed them as not the REAL message I was supposed to be focusing on. My logical brain reasoned that these images were only coming to mind because I knew, of course, that Miraval was famous for its Equine Experience. I had been hearing about how amazing this program was since the minute I’d set foot on the property. I forcefully tried to clear the horse images from my mind so I could sense something personal about this woman sitting next to me. The horse popped up again and again and I got so frustrated with myself that I couldn’t seem to do this. The entire exercise was less than 90 seconds long, but I made myself wrong for most of that time.

When the facilitator asked us to share with our partners, I reluctantly told her what I had “seen.” She exclaimed, “I JUST finished the Equine Experience and it was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever done.” When I described the horse I had seen, she confirmed that indeed her horse had fit that description. She told me in turn that when she held my ring in her hand, she wanted to slump to the floor and take a nap. I told her I had just come from one of the most relaxing yoga classes I’d ever taken, and had actually fallen asleep at the end of shavasana. I do yoga regularly and that had never happened to me before.

The stories shared by other participants around the room were equally amazing. They ranged from images, like mine, to physical sensations and even emotions. One woman got a pain in her hand, and her partner confirmed that she had severe arthritis in that exact spot. You’d think such an amazing experience would help me to better recognize and trust my own intuition, but sadly, it didn’t.

You might be able to tell from what I’ve shared so far, that I’m a bit of a retreat junkie. I love personal and professional development, and take advantage of any opportunity I’m given to participate in a workshop, retreat or seminar. The cancer crowd loves these sorts of things, and they often ask us to tap into our feelings or spirit in some way. I have seen people have incredibly profound experiences and share tremendous and life-changing insights they have gained through these events.

I, on the other hand, have beat myself up that I “must be doing it wrong,” because I just don’t seem to be having the same level of insight or emotional reaction or deep understanding. I remember a visualisation once to find our spirit guides where people described seeing a tiger or lamb or horse and feeling a strong connection. I saw nothing, and was so mad at myself for not getting it. The truth is I probably did see something, and dismissed it as not important or profound enough and therefore, not memorable or worth sharing.

Perhaps you can identify with how quickly we are willing to believe a negative thought or emotion we have. You make a strong connection with someone and then they don’t call and you tell yourself you made it all up. The connection wasn’t really there. In this way, you begin to doubt yourself. These negative thoughts are easier to believe than the idea that someone might actually like us, but has just been too busy to call or got distracted by life.

I recently had one of these experiences AGAIN, and as the negative thoughts, beating myself up, feeling hurt and questioning my feelings began to gain momentum the words TRUST LOVE floated through my consciousness. If I dismissed it, and let my worry take over, it came through again, and again, and again, until finally I stopped imagining the worst case scenario and listened to my intuition to trust.

I believe it is actually our highest self that allows us to feel the emotions to begin with. It is the best part of us that opens us up to vulnerability and trust and love. It is the ego that beats us up, questions anything good, and tries to make us feel unworthy or unlovable. The ego screams at us in a way that is difficult to ignore, and so we usually believe it. Intuition whispers and calms, and invites us to step into a better way, and because it’s so soft and non-intrusive, we often miss it. Or even worse, hear it and dismiss it.

Recently, I had a vision during a meditation in which we were asked to receive guidance and messages about our lives. As I have many times before, I dismissed what I saw as a product of my conscious brain that was getting in the way of what I was REALLY supposed to be seeing. I forcefully tried to push it from my mind, but it persisted. The image is one I’ve actually seen many times before but hadn’t given much thought to. It is this: me, in a white dress, on a hillside with the sun shining down, getting married to a man in a kilt. I have always imagined myself marrying a man in a kilt. I assumed this image came to me because my family heritage is Scottish on my dad’s side, and my favorite book series features a strong Scottish Highlander as its main character.

However, what if it’s the other way around. What if I was drawn to those books because I have a stronger connection with Scotland than my family heritage? Perhaps I am destined to marry a man in a kilt with sparkling blue eyes and a heart-melting brogue. I don’t know if I am or not, but I do know that I met such a man at the same event where I had the vision, and that I feel a very strong connection to him. Whether the vision comes true or not with this man or another, I know one thing for sure. I am NOT dismissing my intuition this time. I’m going to trust it and see where it leads me.

Are there times in your life when you ignored an intuitive feeling?

Can you think of a time when you listened to your intuition?

What is the benefit of trusting this higher part of yourself?

Martha Beck piece on Intuition

Commitment

Commitment might seem like a strange topic for a column about single life, but a couple of things happened to me this week that demonstrated the power of commitment and I knew I had to write about it.

I loved Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Committed. It was all about the history of marriage, her disdain for it as a concept and her eventual surrender to it. My sisters are both married, and one of them told me once that she could feel secure through the rough times in her marriage – the disagreements and arguments and tensions – because she knew her husband wasn’t going anywhere. They were committed, and therefore safe to share their true feelings, allow themselves to be vulnerable and assert their perspective. As a single person, that resonated so deeply with me, and confirmed my willingness to wait for that kind of relationship as well.

It also reminded me of the power of commitment in all areas of life. This quote by W.H. Murray, of the Scottish Himalayan Expedition sums it up: "Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets: 'Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it! Boldness has genius, magic, and power in it.”

This was brought home to me this week in a big way. Since I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 2006, I have been saying I was going to write a book about my experience as a single survivor. I have been writing this column diligently every month for more than four years now, and in the back of my mind, I always thought perhaps someone might stumble upon it and want to publish it. I have no idea how many people read it regularly, and I get only occasional feedback about its impact on readers, so I really had no idea how easy it was to “stumble upon” my writing. Well, this week it actually happened. A publisher contacted me out of the blue to talk about A Single Cell the book.

Now, it’s important to talk about the role of commitment in all of this. Because for five years I have been talking about writing a book, and hoping to be discovered, but it wasn’t until I made a commitment and took action that it actually happened. Let me share what I’ve been up to the past few months. In April I bought a book How to Bring Your Book To Life this Year by Andrea Constantine and Lisa Shultz. In July, I joined a book group of women who are committed to writing books. We are reading the aforementioned book, meeting monthly to talk about our books and holding each other accountable. Through this process, I have been thinking about my book, doing the exercises in the book I’m reading, brainstorming titles and I have declared publicly that my book will be published by the end of 2012.

I have ideas for three books, and I have been diligently practicing learning to receive (the topic of my last column) because I thought that would be the book I’d write this year. If I hadn’t been practicing my receiving, I might not have taken my friend Mike up on a generous offer he made me a month ago – to join him at an author conference in Las Vegas last week. This event was rife with publishers, agents, marketing gurus, book designers and others. I couldn’t afford to attend this event on my own and almost said no to Mike’s offer to go as his guest and share his hotel room for free because even the plane ticket and meals were a stretch for me.

However, because I allowed myself to receive that gift from Mike, I made great connections, learned a ton about the publishing industry and most importantly, began to see myself as an author and speaker with a message that can make a difference to people. I came home and started putting together a press kit, surprising myself at how many media interviews I have done over the past few years on this topic – on television, radio and in magazines. I stayed up late to work on this one night, and the very next day, a publisher came knocking on my door. Coincidence? Absolutely not! Whether or not this publisher is the one actually doesn’t matter either, because my commitment to getting published will carry me toward the right path. It is the commitment that is most important.

I have mentioned Mike Dooley and his Thoughts Become Things mantra before. I heard him speak recently at a signing for his new book Leveraging the Universe, and what he shared fully supports this idea. I should point out that I have heard this message a million times from other speakers, authors, gurus and friends as well. There is always a moment in time, though, that cements something we have heard before and we really learn it, and see how it applies to our lives. The way Mike Dooley phrases it is this: set an intention, and give it to the universe – don’t worry about HOW it will come to pass. By fixating on a certain path, we limit other opportunities that might not even be on our radar. Let the universe find the most efficient and effective path for your intention. Your job is just to put it out there in the world.

At my Unitarian Universalist church, we light a chalice at the beginning of each service, and at the end, when we extinguish it, we say the following: We extinguish this flame, but not the light of truth, the warmth of community, or the fire of commitment. These we carry in our hearts until we are together again. I wish for you the fire of commitment. Take a moment to explore and write down the things you are committed to today. It is only through setting the intention and/or making the commitment that they will come to you. Once it is set, let go of any fixation on the way it might come to fruition.

I am committed to:

Living an adventurous life

Enjoying complete freedom over my schedule

Making a contribution in the world through my words and actions

Generating abundance in the form of love, prosperity and joy

What are YOU committed to?

Learning to Receive: A Single Cell

It was only recently that I recognized how many masculine traits I have. From driving hard, doing, doing, doing and being fiercely independent, to wanting to maintain control and being purpose-driven. I have never thought of receptivity as a particularly female trait. Considering the nurturing nature of women I viewed giving as more feminine. A recent course I took on Feminine Power, helped me recognize the feminine traits of internal focus, emotion and relatedness – all of which I have in spades; and the being over doing, surrendering and love-driven traits that are not so present in me.

Receiving stood out, however, as something I don’t do well. From compliments, to help, to prosperity, I tend to deflect more than accept. I’m not sure where this began - as a small child likely. I can almost see myself, curly blond hair, age 3, stomping my foot and saying defiantly, “I can do it myself.”

It’s not clear whether I ever believed asking for help denoted weakness. There have certainly been times in my career that I’ve been lazy and asked others for answers I could have easily found myself. Asking was quicker and more efficient. I also craved recognition for my accomplishments. I didn’t need awards or honors (though I did receive some), but a pat on the back for a job well done. Defensiveness was a wall I hid behind whenever anyone criticized me, or my work. It was never my fault.

I think I also come off as demanding in work settings because asking feels uncomfortable, so my requests appear more as commands. I remember working at Girl Scout Camp, supervising a staff of two, and saying, “you be in charge of this,” and “you be in charge of that.” I didn’t ask or request, because, yes, now that I think about it, that definitely feels like a weaker position. What if they said, “no?” Where would I be then?

I have always prided myself on being independent and self-sufficient. When I received a new TV for Christmas one year and faced the task of getting it into my house after driving it 8-hours from Kentucky to Wisconsin, where I lived at the time, I chose to carry it by inches rather than asking someone to help. First, I hefted it out of the car. Then I carried it four feet and set it down. Another four feet. Then another. And another. Up the front steps, one at a time. Then up the inside stairs, one at a time. It probably took me 45 minutes to get it into the house fully, and I’m sure the temperatures were frigid as well. Why did I put myself through that? Because being independent was easier than asking for help?

Recently, I’ve come to understand that wasn’t the case at all. Feelings of worthlessness masqueraded as independence. Intellectually, this was a difficult one for me to wrap my head around for a really long time. I KNEW I wasn’t worthless. I KNEW I was valuable and valued. I KNEW I was worthy of receiving help from others (and love, and admiration and kindness). The worthiness issues were buried deep inside of me, as they are for many, many people in our society. So deeply, we don’t even recognize them ourselves.

In the vein of everything happening for a reason, a few things happened to force me to learn to ask for help, and it was only then that I began to see the underlying feelings that had kept me “independent” for so long. First, I broke my ankle on a ski trip to Lake Tahoe, which forced me onto crutches and into a cast on my right leg. It was winter in Colorado. I lived on the second floor with outside stairs. I couldn’t drive. Daily life became an endurance sport. I couldn’t even make a cup of tea and carry it across the room, much less cook easily, grocery shop, take out the garbage or any number of other simple tasks we all take for granted every day. Asking for help was a huge chore, and I did it only when I absolutely had to.

Looking back at that difficult three months, I recognize that it taught me how to ask in order to survive the next big challenge five years later when I was diagnosed with cancer. I definitely couldn’t have made it through two surgeries and six rounds of chemo without strong support, and asking was much easier the second time around when I could actually articulate what I needed both physically, and this time around, emotionally more so as well.

It was only through a great deal of transformational work that I have finally begun to really recognize how my own worthiness issues manifest. I tend to give WAY more than I receive, and recently realized the seeds of this in my feeling that people would only like me if I was helpful and giving. I didn’t feel that just being me and showing up was enough. So if I had to give to be liked, I sure as hell wasn’t going to ASK for anything. Then I would really be a burden on people!

Finally, it is my ever-present financial issues that have really helped me recognize the ways I practically repel money by working for less than I am worth, failing to take responsibility for cash flow and manifesting problems such as car trouble, illness and household breakages with big price-tags. Don’t worry, I also manifest abundance right when I need it and in amazing ways in the form of refund checks I wasn’t expecting, financial gifts, gift cards, and bonuses at exactly the right time. I am learning to believe I’m worthy of more and ask for it in many areas of my life, and will continue to do so.

WOW! That’s a lot of personal history to share. So now that I have had all these aha moments and transformational breakthroughs, what am I doing about it? Well, I’m glad you asked. Here are some things I am practicing in order to learn to receive:

· I keep a receiving journal to record all the things I receive each day.

· I practice gratitude for all that I have, and have posted “gratitudes” as my Facebook status for a few weeks now.

· I visualize what I desire in my life without worrying about “how” I might receive them – knowing that thoughts become things (Mike Dooley, TUT.com).

· I consciously ask for help at least twice a day whenever possible.

· I break patterns whenever possible, doing things that I haven’t done or said before – this brings new energy and connections.

· I am also planning to write a book about this practice, and where it gets me, because I believe undervaluing ourselves is a fairly universal experience.

I request that you share your own worthiness issues, breakdowns, breakthroughs, realizations and struggles with me in the comments section, or privately through asinglecell@gmail.com