Single

During this month associated with Black History and also love, many of us are still observing February 14 as “Singles Awareness Day.” In a workshop just over a year ago I asked the participants what “single” meant to them. The answers were: loser, alone, lonely and other similar words and phrases. I don’t think this is uncommon. I bought a book once titled: If I’m So Great, Why Am I Still Single? Even though more and more of us are staying single longer or becoming single again, there is still often a negative connotation to that word.

I have written before about Dean Ornish’s book Love & Survival and the role that social connection plays in our health and well-being. This post also noted that while the rise of social media has connected us with more people, the connections are not as deep or meaningful as they are face to face. Recently, I have had the opportunity to revise my thinking on this issue somewhat as I have formed a significant connection with someone who lives on another continent. While we only talk every few weeks by Skype, we have become quite close, and discovered we have a great deal in common in the way we view the world.

Social connection, and indeed love, can take many forms, and though more and more of us are choosing to live on our own, that doesn’t mean we lack community.

In fact, 50% of American adults are single and 31 million (1 in 7) of us live alone, according to the book Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone. People who live alone make up 28 percent of all U.S. households, making them more common even that those containing a nuclear family. This book suggests that while more of us live alone, we also tend to be more socially engaged outside the home than those with families.

There are even some activists such as Bella DePaulo, PhD, writing about how singles are “stereotyped, stigmatized and ignored, and still live happily ever after.” Her book Singled Out details the ways in which singles are discriminated against in our society (the single supplement on many trips and special event pricing for couples being two examples), the stereotypes we face and the fact that we are often labeled as selfish. She suggests that “family values” have been bastardized to leave out the vast majority of us who are raising kids as single parents, living alone or even part of same sex couples. The graphic indicates the extent of the tax discrimination singles face. I recently noticed this myself as I really scrutinized how much of my salary I never see with my 25% tax rate. It is staggering.

I believe singles have also stigmatized themselves, feeling, as the book title in the first paragraph suggests, that something must be wrong with us or we would indeed be coupled. For single cancer survivors, that stigma can be doubly or triply painful as infertility issues, scars and other body image issues, and the specter of illness and fear of recurrence all combine to make us wonder who will possibly love us NOW? We believe our past illness makes us somehow unworthy or undeserving of love, and sometimes wallow in self-pity, which does actually make us less desirable.

The truth is that all of us are whole and complete and worthy of love no matter what we have dealt with in our past. We all have something to offer, and a beautiful spirit to share with others, even if we are missing a breast, ovaries, a testicle or have physical and emotional scars from the experience of life and illness. It is truly only our own limitations that hold us back, and keep us from sharing the love in our hearts.

A Course in Miracles states that there are only two ways to be in the world – living in fear, or living in love. We are often afraid of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and share our love because we fear it won’t be returned or we will appear foolish. We hold back for fear the other person doesn’t feel the same way, or might not react the way we want them to. I am learning that the latter doesn’t matter nearly as much as I have thought in the past, and that no matter what, there is never anything wrong with sharing the way you feel with another person. It is indeed all that really matters.

We have all heard that love is the most important thing in life, and for those of us who don’t have romantic love at the moment, we have often made it mean that we are somehow lacking THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. It’s not true. We all have love in some form, and while most of us long to be loved by that one special person, it doesn’t diminish the love “that actually is all around us,” to paraphrase a favorite movie (Love Actually).

People in my life regularly say, “I love you,” to me. This is indeed a miracle, because it was only when I could allow myself to hear it and receive it that it began to happen with more frequency. At the same time, it is the most natural thing in the world to tell the people we love how we feel about them, and be so thrilled to hear it in return. What could possibly be bad about saying, “I love you?”

Who can you say “I love you” to?

What keeps you from feeling worthy of having love in your life?

What do you love the most about you?

Touch

Studies in orphanages and hospitals stress that infants deprived of skin contact lose weight, become ill and even die. To thrive newborns need touch as much as food. As children we instinctively seek out touch when we need it, and ask to be hugged or cuddled by our parents. As we grow older, we may not experience as much physical touch in our lives, and might not feel as comfortable asking for it.

Nothing can make us feel loved more than being touched. A pat on the arm, a back rub, a hug, or someone stroking our hair all send the message, “I care about you.” “You are loved.” When we don’t get this kind of physical contact, it can significantly contribute to feelings of loneliness and separation.

When I was going through cancer treatment, I had reiki sessions once a week to help me deal with the side effects. The sessions were seriously discounted and offered through a local program just for cancer patients. This “laying on of hands,” from an ancient Asian healing practice made a major impact on my nausea, bone aches and other chemotherapy side effects. Looking back on it now, I also recognize how emotionally healing it was during that difficult time to receive loving touch for an hour each week.

Programs like this one offer a valuable service to their clients during one of the most difficult times of their lives. I serve on the board of a similar organization that helps patients heal and reconnect with their bodies after treatment is complete through massage therapy. Cancer patients can often feel as if their bodies have betrayed them, and treatment takes a toll on even the most otherwise healthy person.

Massage can help patients deal with lingering pain or sensitivity in certain body parts. It also helps move toxic chemicals out of the system, and provides a sense of rejuvenation to the to the body. But perhaps the most significant part of the process is the opportunity to talk with a provider about what you’re going through as a patient or survivor, and to experience the connection that comes from allowing yourself to receive therapeutic touch.

When we are “sick,” people can be afraid they are going to hurt us in some way if they hug too hard or touch the wrong spot. If we have ports, IVs or other tubes and wires coming from our bodies, especially in the hospital, people can be even less willing to reach out physically. Let people know it’s ok and where there might be sensitive areas to avoid. Go a step further and let your loved ones know when you need to hold someone’s hand, get an extra-long hug or a foot rub. Whatever makes you feel connected and loved – be willing to ask for it.

I have used energy work such as reiki, healing touch and acupuncture to deal with many of the side effects of treatment and of menopause following my hysterectomy. All have had a profound impact on my physical issues, but perhaps just as strongly, if not more so, on my emotional well-being. The act of receiving is powerful, and all of these healing modalities ask only that you relax and allow yourself to receive the healing energy and touch being provided. There is something very profound about being able to receive in this way without any expectation of reciprocation. There are few times in our lives when we can do that, and many of us are not very good at receiving.

I had a conversation recently about physical affection. It was refreshing in the context of a romantic relationship to have someone tell me the type of affection he appreciates. We often expect people we are intimate with to be able to figure it out, or to read our minds about what makes us feel loved and connected. Even more ludicrously is when we get upset with them if they don’t give us what we want and need. Being able to recognize your own needs and communicate them to others is essential.

Saying to someone – whether they are a romantic partner, a friend or family member – “Can you hold my hand?” can feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you practice it, the more natural it seems. “I like it when you rub my lower back,” is a great phrase to insure you get more of what nurtures you. “Cuddling with you as we fall asleep is one of my favorite parts of the day,” not only communicates what you like, but acknowledges the other person for what they give to you.

Single people may not get as much affectionate touch as they need to feel healthy, connected and loved. As society becomes less dependent upon each other for our physical survival, the emotional connections we have had with others historically have also fallen away. Just because we no longer need the community to hunt and kill our food, or to live collectively to share the tasks of daily survival, doesn’t mean we are any less dependent upon each other for physical affection.

Living alone and being independent is becoming more and more the norm in modern society, and that can mean that many of us are starved for human touch and affection. My friend was brave enough to share how difficult is was for him to have grown up without a great deal of affection in his home, and now as a single adult, how isolating it could be to come home from a difficult day at work and not have someone to share that with or give him a hug and let him know it was going to be ok.

His confession brought tears to my eyes because I often felt the same way going through cancer treatment. Not having someone there to help you make the difficult decisions that need to be made about your health and treatment can leave you feeling overwhelmed, but not having someone there to give you a hug and tell you everything’s going to be ok is devastating.

Intuition

It’s been described as a still small voice deep inside each of us, a whisper, a gut feeling. What is intuition really, and how can we tell when it’s speaking to us? I have been thinking about this topic and having some breakthroughs on listening to my own intuition, and woke up this morning determined to write about it when I noticed in my email inbox an excellent piece by Martha Beck on just that. (see link below)

Her description of the two personalities of intuition hit me like a ton of bricks. I had just completed a weekend spiritual seminar in which I realized how fully I typically dismiss my intuition. I simply chalk it up to something else – some fantasy, or daydream of my conscious mind, and not really something deeper that can be trusted and followed to bring me greater joy.

Last January I participated in a retreat for cancer survivors at the famous Miraval spa in Arizona, and one afternoon I attended a program on intuition. At one point we were asked to partner with someone next to us who we didn’t know, and exchange a personal item – a piece of jewelry or clothing. We were led through a brief meditation to get centered and then told to pay attention to any messages we were getting about the person whose item we held.

Immediately, I saw images of a beautiful brown horse, and almost as instantly, I dismissed them as not the REAL message I was supposed to be focusing on. My logical brain reasoned that these images were only coming to mind because I knew, of course, that Miraval was famous for its Equine Experience. I had been hearing about how amazing this program was since the minute I’d set foot on the property. I forcefully tried to clear the horse images from my mind so I could sense something personal about this woman sitting next to me. The horse popped up again and again and I got so frustrated with myself that I couldn’t seem to do this. The entire exercise was less than 90 seconds long, but I made myself wrong for most of that time.

When the facilitator asked us to share with our partners, I reluctantly told her what I had “seen.” She exclaimed, “I JUST finished the Equine Experience and it was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever done.” When I described the horse I had seen, she confirmed that indeed her horse had fit that description. She told me in turn that when she held my ring in her hand, she wanted to slump to the floor and take a nap. I told her I had just come from one of the most relaxing yoga classes I’d ever taken, and had actually fallen asleep at the end of shavasana. I do yoga regularly and that had never happened to me before.

The stories shared by other participants around the room were equally amazing. They ranged from images, like mine, to physical sensations and even emotions. One woman got a pain in her hand, and her partner confirmed that she had severe arthritis in that exact spot. You’d think such an amazing experience would help me to better recognize and trust my own intuition, but sadly, it didn’t.

You might be able to tell from what I’ve shared so far, that I’m a bit of a retreat junkie. I love personal and professional development, and take advantage of any opportunity I’m given to participate in a workshop, retreat or seminar. The cancer crowd loves these sorts of things, and they often ask us to tap into our feelings or spirit in some way. I have seen people have incredibly profound experiences and share tremendous and life-changing insights they have gained through these events.

I, on the other hand, have beat myself up that I “must be doing it wrong,” because I just don’t seem to be having the same level of insight or emotional reaction or deep understanding. I remember a visualisation once to find our spirit guides where people described seeing a tiger or lamb or horse and feeling a strong connection. I saw nothing, and was so mad at myself for not getting it. The truth is I probably did see something, and dismissed it as not important or profound enough and therefore, not memorable or worth sharing.

Perhaps you can identify with how quickly we are willing to believe a negative thought or emotion we have. You make a strong connection with someone and then they don’t call and you tell yourself you made it all up. The connection wasn’t really there. In this way, you begin to doubt yourself. These negative thoughts are easier to believe than the idea that someone might actually like us, but has just been too busy to call or got distracted by life.

I recently had one of these experiences AGAIN, and as the negative thoughts, beating myself up, feeling hurt and questioning my feelings began to gain momentum the words TRUST LOVE floated through my consciousness. If I dismissed it, and let my worry take over, it came through again, and again, and again, until finally I stopped imagining the worst case scenario and listened to my intuition to trust.

I believe it is actually our highest self that allows us to feel the emotions to begin with. It is the best part of us that opens us up to vulnerability and trust and love. It is the ego that beats us up, questions anything good, and tries to make us feel unworthy or unlovable. The ego screams at us in a way that is difficult to ignore, and so we usually believe it. Intuition whispers and calms, and invites us to step into a better way, and because it’s so soft and non-intrusive, we often miss it. Or even worse, hear it and dismiss it.

Recently, I had a vision during a meditation in which we were asked to receive guidance and messages about our lives. As I have many times before, I dismissed what I saw as a product of my conscious brain that was getting in the way of what I was REALLY supposed to be seeing. I forcefully tried to push it from my mind, but it persisted. The image is one I’ve actually seen many times before but hadn’t given much thought to. It is this: me, in a white dress, on a hillside with the sun shining down, getting married to a man in a kilt. I have always imagined myself marrying a man in a kilt. I assumed this image came to me because my family heritage is Scottish on my dad’s side, and my favorite book series features a strong Scottish Highlander as its main character.

However, what if it’s the other way around. What if I was drawn to those books because I have a stronger connection with Scotland than my family heritage? Perhaps I am destined to marry a man in a kilt with sparkling blue eyes and a heart-melting brogue. I don’t know if I am or not, but I do know that I met such a man at the same event where I had the vision, and that I feel a very strong connection to him. Whether the vision comes true or not with this man or another, I know one thing for sure. I am NOT dismissing my intuition this time. I’m going to trust it and see where it leads me.

Are there times in your life when you ignored an intuitive feeling?

Can you think of a time when you listened to your intuition?

What is the benefit of trusting this higher part of yourself?

Martha Beck piece on Intuition

Commitment

Commitment might seem like a strange topic for a column about single life, but a couple of things happened to me this week that demonstrated the power of commitment and I knew I had to write about it.

I loved Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Committed. It was all about the history of marriage, her disdain for it as a concept and her eventual surrender to it. My sisters are both married, and one of them told me once that she could feel secure through the rough times in her marriage – the disagreements and arguments and tensions – because she knew her husband wasn’t going anywhere. They were committed, and therefore safe to share their true feelings, allow themselves to be vulnerable and assert their perspective. As a single person, that resonated so deeply with me, and confirmed my willingness to wait for that kind of relationship as well.

It also reminded me of the power of commitment in all areas of life. This quote by W.H. Murray, of the Scottish Himalayan Expedition sums it up: "Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets: 'Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it! Boldness has genius, magic, and power in it.”

This was brought home to me this week in a big way. Since I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 2006, I have been saying I was going to write a book about my experience as a single survivor. I have been writing this column diligently every month for more than four years now, and in the back of my mind, I always thought perhaps someone might stumble upon it and want to publish it. I have no idea how many people read it regularly, and I get only occasional feedback about its impact on readers, so I really had no idea how easy it was to “stumble upon” my writing. Well, this week it actually happened. A publisher contacted me out of the blue to talk about A Single Cell the book.

Now, it’s important to talk about the role of commitment in all of this. Because for five years I have been talking about writing a book, and hoping to be discovered, but it wasn’t until I made a commitment and took action that it actually happened. Let me share what I’ve been up to the past few months. In April I bought a book How to Bring Your Book To Life this Year by Andrea Constantine and Lisa Shultz. In July, I joined a book group of women who are committed to writing books. We are reading the aforementioned book, meeting monthly to talk about our books and holding each other accountable. Through this process, I have been thinking about my book, doing the exercises in the book I’m reading, brainstorming titles and I have declared publicly that my book will be published by the end of 2012.

I have ideas for three books, and I have been diligently practicing learning to receive (the topic of my last column) because I thought that would be the book I’d write this year. If I hadn’t been practicing my receiving, I might not have taken my friend Mike up on a generous offer he made me a month ago – to join him at an author conference in Las Vegas last week. This event was rife with publishers, agents, marketing gurus, book designers and others. I couldn’t afford to attend this event on my own and almost said no to Mike’s offer to go as his guest and share his hotel room for free because even the plane ticket and meals were a stretch for me.

However, because I allowed myself to receive that gift from Mike, I made great connections, learned a ton about the publishing industry and most importantly, began to see myself as an author and speaker with a message that can make a difference to people. I came home and started putting together a press kit, surprising myself at how many media interviews I have done over the past few years on this topic – on television, radio and in magazines. I stayed up late to work on this one night, and the very next day, a publisher came knocking on my door. Coincidence? Absolutely not! Whether or not this publisher is the one actually doesn’t matter either, because my commitment to getting published will carry me toward the right path. It is the commitment that is most important.

I have mentioned Mike Dooley and his Thoughts Become Things mantra before. I heard him speak recently at a signing for his new book Leveraging the Universe, and what he shared fully supports this idea. I should point out that I have heard this message a million times from other speakers, authors, gurus and friends as well. There is always a moment in time, though, that cements something we have heard before and we really learn it, and see how it applies to our lives. The way Mike Dooley phrases it is this: set an intention, and give it to the universe – don’t worry about HOW it will come to pass. By fixating on a certain path, we limit other opportunities that might not even be on our radar. Let the universe find the most efficient and effective path for your intention. Your job is just to put it out there in the world.

At my Unitarian Universalist church, we light a chalice at the beginning of each service, and at the end, when we extinguish it, we say the following: We extinguish this flame, but not the light of truth, the warmth of community, or the fire of commitment. These we carry in our hearts until we are together again. I wish for you the fire of commitment. Take a moment to explore and write down the things you are committed to today. It is only through setting the intention and/or making the commitment that they will come to you. Once it is set, let go of any fixation on the way it might come to fruition.

I am committed to:

Living an adventurous life

Enjoying complete freedom over my schedule

Making a contribution in the world through my words and actions

Generating abundance in the form of love, prosperity and joy

What are YOU committed to?

Learning to Receive: A Single Cell

It was only recently that I recognized how many masculine traits I have. From driving hard, doing, doing, doing and being fiercely independent, to wanting to maintain control and being purpose-driven. I have never thought of receptivity as a particularly female trait. Considering the nurturing nature of women I viewed giving as more feminine. A recent course I took on Feminine Power, helped me recognize the feminine traits of internal focus, emotion and relatedness – all of which I have in spades; and the being over doing, surrendering and love-driven traits that are not so present in me.

Receiving stood out, however, as something I don’t do well. From compliments, to help, to prosperity, I tend to deflect more than accept. I’m not sure where this began - as a small child likely. I can almost see myself, curly blond hair, age 3, stomping my foot and saying defiantly, “I can do it myself.”

It’s not clear whether I ever believed asking for help denoted weakness. There have certainly been times in my career that I’ve been lazy and asked others for answers I could have easily found myself. Asking was quicker and more efficient. I also craved recognition for my accomplishments. I didn’t need awards or honors (though I did receive some), but a pat on the back for a job well done. Defensiveness was a wall I hid behind whenever anyone criticized me, or my work. It was never my fault.

I think I also come off as demanding in work settings because asking feels uncomfortable, so my requests appear more as commands. I remember working at Girl Scout Camp, supervising a staff of two, and saying, “you be in charge of this,” and “you be in charge of that.” I didn’t ask or request, because, yes, now that I think about it, that definitely feels like a weaker position. What if they said, “no?” Where would I be then?

I have always prided myself on being independent and self-sufficient. When I received a new TV for Christmas one year and faced the task of getting it into my house after driving it 8-hours from Kentucky to Wisconsin, where I lived at the time, I chose to carry it by inches rather than asking someone to help. First, I hefted it out of the car. Then I carried it four feet and set it down. Another four feet. Then another. And another. Up the front steps, one at a time. Then up the inside stairs, one at a time. It probably took me 45 minutes to get it into the house fully, and I’m sure the temperatures were frigid as well. Why did I put myself through that? Because being independent was easier than asking for help?

Recently, I’ve come to understand that wasn’t the case at all. Feelings of worthlessness masqueraded as independence. Intellectually, this was a difficult one for me to wrap my head around for a really long time. I KNEW I wasn’t worthless. I KNEW I was valuable and valued. I KNEW I was worthy of receiving help from others (and love, and admiration and kindness). The worthiness issues were buried deep inside of me, as they are for many, many people in our society. So deeply, we don’t even recognize them ourselves.

In the vein of everything happening for a reason, a few things happened to force me to learn to ask for help, and it was only then that I began to see the underlying feelings that had kept me “independent” for so long. First, I broke my ankle on a ski trip to Lake Tahoe, which forced me onto crutches and into a cast on my right leg. It was winter in Colorado. I lived on the second floor with outside stairs. I couldn’t drive. Daily life became an endurance sport. I couldn’t even make a cup of tea and carry it across the room, much less cook easily, grocery shop, take out the garbage or any number of other simple tasks we all take for granted every day. Asking for help was a huge chore, and I did it only when I absolutely had to.

Looking back at that difficult three months, I recognize that it taught me how to ask in order to survive the next big challenge five years later when I was diagnosed with cancer. I definitely couldn’t have made it through two surgeries and six rounds of chemo without strong support, and asking was much easier the second time around when I could actually articulate what I needed both physically, and this time around, emotionally more so as well.

It was only through a great deal of transformational work that I have finally begun to really recognize how my own worthiness issues manifest. I tend to give WAY more than I receive, and recently realized the seeds of this in my feeling that people would only like me if I was helpful and giving. I didn’t feel that just being me and showing up was enough. So if I had to give to be liked, I sure as hell wasn’t going to ASK for anything. Then I would really be a burden on people!

Finally, it is my ever-present financial issues that have really helped me recognize the ways I practically repel money by working for less than I am worth, failing to take responsibility for cash flow and manifesting problems such as car trouble, illness and household breakages with big price-tags. Don’t worry, I also manifest abundance right when I need it and in amazing ways in the form of refund checks I wasn’t expecting, financial gifts, gift cards, and bonuses at exactly the right time. I am learning to believe I’m worthy of more and ask for it in many areas of my life, and will continue to do so.

WOW! That’s a lot of personal history to share. So now that I have had all these aha moments and transformational breakthroughs, what am I doing about it? Well, I’m glad you asked. Here are some things I am practicing in order to learn to receive:

· I keep a receiving journal to record all the things I receive each day.

· I practice gratitude for all that I have, and have posted “gratitudes” as my Facebook status for a few weeks now.

· I visualize what I desire in my life without worrying about “how” I might receive them – knowing that thoughts become things (Mike Dooley, TUT.com).

· I consciously ask for help at least twice a day whenever possible.

· I break patterns whenever possible, doing things that I haven’t done or said before – this brings new energy and connections.

· I am also planning to write a book about this practice, and where it gets me, because I believe undervaluing ourselves is a fairly universal experience.

I request that you share your own worthiness issues, breakdowns, breakthroughs, realizations and struggles with me in the comments section, or privately through asinglecell@gmail.com

Transformation

We have all heard the analogy of the caterpillar turning into the butterfly as it fights its way out of the cocoon. It seems a bit clichéd, but I honestly can’t think of a better one to describe the past couple of years for me. I feel as if I’ve truly transformed from a crawling kind of creature, with some beauty to it for sure, into a flying, brilliant butterfly. At first, it seemed odd to me that my friends weren’t noticing. “Hey, I’m flying now, can’t you see?” They noticed how great I LOOKED because of my significant weight loss, but they weren’t seeing the transformation in my spirit, the lightness, the joy, the calm with which I was now approaching life.

Then suddenly it hit me! To them - my friends, family, colleagues, and even acquaintances - I had ALWAYS shown up this way. Wow! It was only to myself that I had ever been a plodding, ground level, unspectacular caterpillar. To the outside world, I had always been a beautiful and special butterfly. It is my inner life that has been transformed in such a profound way that no one but me really noticed. This reinforces the idea that life is lived between the ears. Our inner dialogue is constantly running, and most of the time it is spouting limiting or even damaging beliefs about ourselves – “I’m not good enough,” “I will never be. . .”, “I can’t do that,” “I don’t deserve. . .” These thoughts are so ingrained, so automatic, that we don’t even notice them, but they are doing a number on our psyches.

Mike Dooley tells us in no uncertain terms that “Thoughts become Things,” and encourages us to think the good ones. A friend recommended his site and daily messages from the Universe, and I have thoroughly enjoyed both. The premise is not much different from that of The Secret or any number of other Law of Attraction tomes that are so popular these days, and honestly, I’ve read most of them. They key is in doing something.

As was reinforced in a program put on by my non-profit this summer, we know that knowledge alone does not alter behavior (KADNAB if you are looking for a catchy acronym to help you remember). If it did, we’d all be perfectly proportioned, healthy, non-smokers with plenty of money and free time. (smile) We may KNOW what is good for us, or how to live sustainably, but that doesn’t mean we actually DO it. This was brought home to me painfully one fall when I participated in a Green Team group through my church. I have always prided myself on being quite the environmentalist, but when it came down to assessing my actual practice, all my knowledge meant very little as I wasn’t really doing as much as I thought to protect the Earth.

When I tried to look up transformation for a definition I could share, I found a number of scientific, mathematic and genetic descriptions. Even one about how cells become malignant (interesting), but nothing that came close to what I am talking about. I have been doing transformational work, and though it has made such an impact in my life, even I have a difficult time describing it sometimes. I have a profound appreciation for the gurus who teach these courses, and how tough it must be for them to describe what they do and the impact their education can make on individuals.

For me, transformation is about the following: (at the most basic level)

How I show up in life – appear to others and my own perspective

How I view situations – blame others or circumstances or take responsibility

How I relate to people – with distrust or benefit of the doubt

How I view the world – connected or separate

How I view myself – whole and complete or lacking significantly

It is also about recognizing that we are all human. We all formed our worldview from very specific painful things that happened to us in the past, usually at a time when we were too young to view them subjectively. At the point that X happened, we made up a story about what it meant, and by God we have stuck by that story ever since, finding more and more evidence to support its truth along the way. That perspective has brought us what we expected, and it is usually more of the same.

Changing perspective is not easy. It takes recognition of our stories, a willingness to explore them, and continual practice. It takes self-reflection, and a willingness to take responsibility for the ways in which we create our own lives. Our stories are so front-and-center, that it often takes peeling back many layers to really get to the truth (if there is such a thing) about what is really going on. Even after being immersed in this practice, and having taken many courses that help me do this, I still fall into old patterns make people wrong and settle into my story much more often that I like, but this work means I don’t beat myself up about that either – as if that helps! It is not something that is “fixed” and forgotten – it is a practice like yoga or meditation - one that you just show up for over and over and over again. But when you do, the results can be incredible!

What can you transform?

Your relationship with your parents?

Your relationship to money?

Your view of yourself?

Your view of Republicans or terrorists or gay people?

What can you take responsibility for?

The fact that you have been playing the victim?

The way you react when someone pushes your buttons?

The way you spend money or eat when you are feeling depressed?

The way your hurt others when you are feeling hurt?

What can you gain from seeing things differently?

Love instead of fear?

Tolerance instead of hate?

Joy instead of sadness?

Peace instead of conflict?

The butterfly in you is striving to come out. Let it fly!

Escape

“If you like pina coladas, getting caught in the rain, and the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne. If you like making love at midnight in the dunes of the Cape, you’re the love that I’ve looked for. Come with me and escape.”

As the popular 1970s song by Rupert Holmes suggests, sometimes we all feel the need to escape. Possibly just for a few minutes or an hour when the pressure feels like too much, and sometimes for longer. I just returned from a week-long escape – and one of the best vacations I’ve ever had. I feel so relaxed and happy, and literally enjoyed every single minute of my time away. It’s so rare that we can say that.

This experience has prompted me to give some thought this morning to escapes, and which ones are healthy as opposed to not so good for us. I do plenty of both from time to time, and it is starting to become clear which ones really serve my well-being.

In our culture, television is often used as an escape, and while it may feel good for a bit to veg out in front of the tube, it rarely makes me feel more relaxed. In fact, the opposite is often true. I have recognized lately that watching tv up until I go to bed gives me strange dreams and less than restful sleep. Mini-escapes that have been good for me are yoga, taking a walk, reading, writing, talking to a friend or meditation.

Many people also escape into alcohol or drugs or food. While I like a cold beer or a nice glass of wine occasionally, I have found that I’m much happier when I don’t allow myself to be carried away by overindulgence. The after-effects are never pretty, and while this kind of escape might feel good for a bit, it is rarely all its cracked up to be.

We were talking on the drive home about how sometimes you need a vacation after your vacation because you come home so exhausted from travel and mile-a-minute sight seeing, trying to cram everything into a limited amount of time. I have definitely had vacations like that. We travel to someplace cool and want to see and do everything while we are there. It definitely doesn’t make for much relaxation.

I am a planner, and thus, prefer to plan each day’s activities in order to make the most of the time. My experience has told me that failing to plan often means that a great deal of time is wasted in making decisions each day – especially when trying to satisfy a group. It also has meant that opportunities are missed as tours or other activities sell out early.

However, over-planning can leave you exhausted as much as under-planning can leave you rudderless. Finding that sweet spot of having some plans for each day coupled with a good amount of free time for the group to split up and do their own thing or just lie on the beach with a magazine is key to a well-rounded escape. Of course, it goes without saying that finding the perfect group of friends to go with makes a big difference as well.

This past week paddling down the Green River was perfect for many reasons:

1. Ideal weather – neither too hot or too cold, no bugs, and sunny the entire time. Crazy wind on day three meant we didn’t make many river miles, but high water and fast current also gave us many opportunities to kick back in our boats with a beer in our hands and float rather than paddling hard through what is called Stillwater Canyon for a reason.

2. Great Group – everyone got along swimmingly, did their fair share of the work, discovered mutual interests in hiking, playing games and being goofy and found plenty to talk about. In my experience this is pretty rare. I feel lucky indeed to have such good friends to do trips like this with.

3. Good Planning – a six-day river trip takes a fair amount of planning on the front end, and again, the group divided tasks well from getting permits to gathering needed gear, planning menus and grocery shopping, packing gear and coolers in such a way to fit everything into four boats, etc. etc. Even divvying up the expenses at the end was fairly painless, and done over breakfast in an hour on the last morning.

4. Gorgeous Scenery – WOW! It is impossible to describe the stunning beauty of paddling through soaring cliff faces of red rock, and feeling most of the time as if we had the river all to ourselves. Swimming in Water Canyon in a beautiful blue-green swimming hole of the perfect temperature followed by lunch and a nap in the shady, sandy glen beside it was the perfect end to a perfect trip.

I have returned home from this escape with a busy few weeks coming up, and only a few days before a work trip, but I feel perfectly prepared to handle everything that is coming because I had such a good escape. I wish the same for all of you this summer as well.