The past few months have opened my eyes to so many patterns
in my romantic relationships that have held me back for years. Through reading,
seminars, courses and coaching, I have begun to see the myriad of ways that I
keep myself from experiencing true connection and love. What a gift it has been
to recognize these patterns, so I can begin breaking them.
Control vs. Surrender
Ask anyone who knows me and I’m sure they’ll tell you I like
to be in control, and believe it or not, I was totally unconscious of this
until recently. I think all of us have control issues to some extent, but I
really didn’t know how far mine extended and how much it affected my
relationships. Wanting to be in control is one way that we unconsciously try to
protect ourselves. This can manifest as controlling your emotions, what your
dates are like (where you go, what you eat, how it will all play out and when
they will take place), and perhaps even planning out the entire relationship.
Have you ever thought about what
kind of cake you’ll have at your wedding before the second date?
While I don’t think I was quite that bad, I see now how my
need for control held me back from allowing myself to be vulnerable. Being open
and sharing is key to intimacy, and I complained constantly about the lack of
intimacy in my relationships – always blaming the men for not being more open,
of course. I can see now that I wasn’t very open in a true sense either, always
putting my best face forward, and not sharing my fears and failures. (See more
on this below in the vulnerability and authenticity section.)
We not only try to control ourselves, but our partners as
well. We see all the things they are doing “wrong,” and genuinely want to help
them. When we point out these issues and offer “advice” though, we come off as
nags, and send the message that our guy isn’t good enough. This does not make
for good romance.
Laura Doyle shares in her book The Surrendered Single, what we all already know if we just think
about it for a minute. Our guys want us to be happy. They will do quite a bit
to insure our happiness. We don’t have to manipulate or control to get what we
want. We just have to ASK. Why is this so hard? Men have been lamenting for
years that they can’t in fact, read our minds. We get upset when they don’t do
what we want – no wonder they’re frustrated – how about we just try asking.
Independence
Have you ever heard that men need to be needed? I’m guessing
you have. This has been a big one for me to really get. I have male friends who
would rather I call them than a plumber when I have a problem with my toilet or
sink. This is so difficult for me to understand. I feel like a total burden
when asking for help with stuff around the house, and don’t feel as if I can
ask my friends, especially if I haven’t seen them for a while. They, on the
other hand, love to help out whether it’s a ride to the airport or help with
the dripping sink in the bathroom, and are usually not just available to do so,
but thrilled to be able to be helpful. Wow!
I am now recognizing how my independent, “I can do it
myself” attitude occurs for men, whether they are strangers or friends. They
want to help and when they offer and I don’t accept they are actually
emasculated. Really?! Since
realizing this, I am super conscious of accepting offers of help from men. It
doesn’t mean they see me as weak and incapable of doing it myself, as I might
have previously misunderstood. Put that heavy bag in the overhead for me, sure.
Carry that box to the car, absolutely!
Independence is one of my strong suits – practices I use to
get me through difficult times in my life. Adopting an independent attitude has
served me well for many years in a variety of ways, but it has not helped in
the romance department. If men
need to be needed and I don’t need any help, thank you very much, then where
does that leave me? You guessed it. Sitting home alone on Saturday night.
Giving & Receiving
Ok, this is another imbalance that has left me scratching my
head for years. I am a super giving person and a two on the Enneagram. That
means I will often put others’ needs before my own. This should make me the
best girlfriend in the world, right? Hmmm. . . maybe not.
Turns out being a good receiver is pretty important too, and
receiving is a feminine trait. Think about the physicality of sex for a moment:
men give and women receive. Aha! Except I was always giving and actively
deflecting receiving because of my personality type, independent streak and
unwillingness to ask for help. Yikes! This obviously didn’t bode well for
male/female relations.
Does this mean I shouldn’t ever give anything in a
relationship? Of course not. I just have to maintain a balance and allow myself
to receive more, while also perhaps giving a bit less. Giving to get people to
like us is manipulative and controlling (remember what we talked about above?),
even if it is unconscious. Look at the motivations behind your giving. Are they selfless or is there an
ulterior motive?
Vulnerability & Authenticity
We all think putting our best face forward it necessary in
most parts of our lives. Think about the job interview, online dating profile
and resume. We don’t mention our weaknesses, fears or flaws in these arenas. An
ex-boyfriend even said to me once when I was showing him the scars on my
stomach from multiple cancer surgeries, “Don’t point out your flaws.” He may be
right that I didn’t need to point them out as if something was wrong with me,
but it is ok to talk about how you feel about these things. In fact, it’s
refreshing.
We all have weaknesses, vulnerabilities and things of which
we are ashamed. Opening up about them gives others permission to do the same,
and creates a new level of intimacy that probably wouldn’t have been possible
otherwise. This is what relating to each other is all about. And relating to
someone else in a deeper way is what makes a relationship.
I once led in my online dating profile with the fact that I
was a total klutz. I used the phrase, “I could trip on a pattern in the
carpeting.” My friend advised me to change it because, as she said, “People
will find out about your shortcomings soon enough. You don’t have to point them
out.” I got so many responses to that profile as men wrote to tell me about
their quirks too. Numerous klutzes were drawn to tell me about how they had cut
themselves shaving that morning, or tripped crossing the stage at their high
school graduation. It gave us something to relate to about each other right off
the bat.
We look at others and get intimidated by the fact that they
are so successful or good-looking or wealthy, and we use that status to put
them on a pedestal and assume they are somehow better than us. The truth is
that each of those people likely once struggled, lost a job or important
relationship, had zits or went bankrupt. Hearing about those struggles helps us
better relate to them.
I learned in a relationship seminar once that sharing that
which you are most afraid to share can open doors to the deepest levels of
intimacy, so I asked someone I was seeing if he would share something he was
ashamed of, and promised I would do the same. He said, “I already shared it
last week.” Wow! I was thrilled that he felt comfortable enough to open up to
me in that way, and I shared something that had previously been very difficult
for me to admit.
Rather than react in alarm and disgust as I had imagined he
and others in my life might upon learning this, he was sympathetic and even
helpful in so many ways. He has since sent me tools, resources and provided
support as I work through my issue. The same thing happened when I shared this
confession with my mom – the person I was most ashamed of sharing it with.
This experience was incredible, and so eye-opening. It makes
me sad to think that for years I lived my life being so ashamed of something that
I was unwilling to share it with those who loved me the most, and that doing so
was the key to deeper more meaningful relationships with those who are
important to me.
What are you trying to control in your relationships? How
could you surrender instead?
What traits do you have that keep you separate from others?
What could you share that you are most ashamed of?
