Commitment

Commitment might seem like a strange topic for a column about single life, but a couple of things happened to me this week that demonstrated the power of commitment and I knew I had to write about it.

I loved Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Committed. It was all about the history of marriage, her disdain for it as a concept and her eventual surrender to it. My sisters are both married, and one of them told me once that she could feel secure through the rough times in her marriage – the disagreements and arguments and tensions – because she knew her husband wasn’t going anywhere. They were committed, and therefore safe to share their true feelings, allow themselves to be vulnerable and assert their perspective. As a single person, that resonated so deeply with me, and confirmed my willingness to wait for that kind of relationship as well.

It also reminded me of the power of commitment in all areas of life. This quote by W.H. Murray, of the Scottish Himalayan Expedition sums it up: "Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets: 'Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it! Boldness has genius, magic, and power in it.”

This was brought home to me this week in a big way. Since I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 2006, I have been saying I was going to write a book about my experience as a single survivor. I have been writing this column diligently every month for more than four years now, and in the back of my mind, I always thought perhaps someone might stumble upon it and want to publish it. I have no idea how many people read it regularly, and I get only occasional feedback about its impact on readers, so I really had no idea how easy it was to “stumble upon” my writing. Well, this week it actually happened. A publisher contacted me out of the blue to talk about A Single Cell the book.

Now, it’s important to talk about the role of commitment in all of this. Because for five years I have been talking about writing a book, and hoping to be discovered, but it wasn’t until I made a commitment and took action that it actually happened. Let me share what I’ve been up to the past few months. In April I bought a book How to Bring Your Book To Life this Year by Andrea Constantine and Lisa Shultz. In July, I joined a book group of women who are committed to writing books. We are reading the aforementioned book, meeting monthly to talk about our books and holding each other accountable. Through this process, I have been thinking about my book, doing the exercises in the book I’m reading, brainstorming titles and I have declared publicly that my book will be published by the end of 2012.

I have ideas for three books, and I have been diligently practicing learning to receive (the topic of my last column) because I thought that would be the book I’d write this year. If I hadn’t been practicing my receiving, I might not have taken my friend Mike up on a generous offer he made me a month ago – to join him at an author conference in Las Vegas last week. This event was rife with publishers, agents, marketing gurus, book designers and others. I couldn’t afford to attend this event on my own and almost said no to Mike’s offer to go as his guest and share his hotel room for free because even the plane ticket and meals were a stretch for me.

However, because I allowed myself to receive that gift from Mike, I made great connections, learned a ton about the publishing industry and most importantly, began to see myself as an author and speaker with a message that can make a difference to people. I came home and started putting together a press kit, surprising myself at how many media interviews I have done over the past few years on this topic – on television, radio and in magazines. I stayed up late to work on this one night, and the very next day, a publisher came knocking on my door. Coincidence? Absolutely not! Whether or not this publisher is the one actually doesn’t matter either, because my commitment to getting published will carry me toward the right path. It is the commitment that is most important.

I have mentioned Mike Dooley and his Thoughts Become Things mantra before. I heard him speak recently at a signing for his new book Leveraging the Universe, and what he shared fully supports this idea. I should point out that I have heard this message a million times from other speakers, authors, gurus and friends as well. There is always a moment in time, though, that cements something we have heard before and we really learn it, and see how it applies to our lives. The way Mike Dooley phrases it is this: set an intention, and give it to the universe – don’t worry about HOW it will come to pass. By fixating on a certain path, we limit other opportunities that might not even be on our radar. Let the universe find the most efficient and effective path for your intention. Your job is just to put it out there in the world.

At my Unitarian Universalist church, we light a chalice at the beginning of each service, and at the end, when we extinguish it, we say the following: We extinguish this flame, but not the light of truth, the warmth of community, or the fire of commitment. These we carry in our hearts until we are together again. I wish for you the fire of commitment. Take a moment to explore and write down the things you are committed to today. It is only through setting the intention and/or making the commitment that they will come to you. Once it is set, let go of any fixation on the way it might come to fruition.

I am committed to:

Living an adventurous life

Enjoying complete freedom over my schedule

Making a contribution in the world through my words and actions

Generating abundance in the form of love, prosperity and joy

What are YOU committed to?

Loneliness

Most of the time I am very satisfied, even ecstatic, about my life as an independent, single woman. My lifestyle allows me to do the things I want to do when I want to do them. If I feel like staying in bed all day on a cold, rainy Sunday afternoon reading a book, I can do it. When I want to jump in my car or hop on a plane for a fun weekend get-away, only my budget might prevent me. There are no demands from a partner or children that get in the way of my needs. I feel lucky to live in a time and culture that allows me the freedom to live independently, and I make the most of that freedom to live the kind of life that I want to live.

Ninety-five percent of the time, I am completely happy with my life. However, the five-percent can be really difficult, because there are those times when no one relishes being alone – when the toilet overflows, the car breaks down or when you get sick. I also tend to feel really alone during either times of great celebration or mourning – usually on a large scale: Princess Diana’s death, 9/11, when my candidate wins an election or the beginning of a new year. These are times you want to share with others.

Whenever I read a Jane Austen book, or watch a movie about a different period in history, I am often thankful to live when I do, in a time when women don’t have to marry in order to gain protection and financial security, when I am free to work, dress and live how I choose. I also see the drawbacks of modern-day culture as well. As technological advances allow us more virtual connectedness – playing chess with someone in China or teleconferencing with business associates around the globe – it can also sap meaningful face-to-face connections.

I was recently with a group of friends at brunch and looked up to see most of the people around the table furiously using their smart phones rather than engaging the group in front of them. I admit to loving my iPhone for allowing me instant access to all kinds of great information and entertainment, but it drives me crazy when updating people in the virtual world takes priority over the warm-blooded human being sitting in front of you.

As more of us choose to live independently because our finances allow it, remaining single longer, divorcing more readily and having fewer children is becoming more and more common. These trends are also causing more isolation than at any time in human history. Primitive cultures forced people to live and work together in order to survive. I wonder about the emotional cost of our modern culture, and what physical outcomes can arise from loneliness and disconnection.

Dr. Dean Ornish (1998) stated at the beginning of his book Love & Survival: “Our survival depends on the healing power of love, intimacy, and relationships. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. As individuals. As communities. As a culture. Perhaps even as a species.” (p. 1) Dr. Andrew Weil (1997) also postulates about the communal nature of human beings meant to live in families, tribes, and communities, and says that when we lack those connections, we suffer.

Perhaps loneliness and lack of connection can actually contribute to poor health. It certainly is difficult to be alone when we are sick. Whether it’s a sore throat, the flu or cancer, not having someone at hand to take care of us when we’re not well is a big fat bummer. I have long been interested in supporting single folks who are dealing with cancer. While there are a multitude of resources for cancer patients, there is nothing specifically for those of us going through it alone, and that number seems to be rising as cancer strikes at younger ages, while many of us put off marriage until later.

I recently conducted a survey of single cancer survivors to gauge the needs of this audience. Mostly the results weren’t surprising; the issues you would expect floated to the top: dating anxiety, body image, loneliness, fertility problems and a desire for more support.

One man said, “I still struggle with what to tell anybody I meet, especially women I’m romantically interested in, about my medical history. I had a scar revision to replace my original thyroidectomy scar that looked like something on Frankenstein’s monster. Even though the new scar is fading, I’m still conscious of it everyday, and I make sure it’s covered up by whatever shirt I wear.”

More than 75% of respondents reported that connections with other cancer patients who were like them were the most helpful during treatment and afterward. It’s not as lonely when you can share with others who have gone through it or are in the same boat.

The stories that were shared broke my heart, and rang true to my own feelings in many cases as well. Many single survivors feel like damaged goods with their weird scars and other bodily impacts of cancer, loss of fertility in many cases, and sometimes crushing debt. Single people might already feel as if their status were based upon being flawed in some way, and cancer certainly multiplies that feeling. “Who would choose to be with someone who might not live that long or can’t have kids,” we think?

One woman shared, “I am now five years out and finally beginning to feel normal again, but in five years, I have not been on one date. I want to get married. I want a boyfriend. I just want to go on a date. But for now, I am a 42-year-old spinster who got breast cancer at age 37, lost her chance for children, and has yet to meet the man of my dreams.”

Some report serious financial issues or lack of health insurance, and having to move back in with their parents for help, and a significant number shared how overwhelmed they felt having to make so many huge decisions on their own.

One woman said, “I often don’t feel I have much to live and fight for. So many times you hear people battling cancer say things like, ‘If it weren’t for wanting to be with my spouse, I don’t know how I could have done it all.’ Or people want to survive to be there for their children. If my life ended, it wouldn’t really be a big deal to anyone but my mom, so motivation is pretty hard to come by when you’re faced with side effects, stress, anxiety, bad news, uncomfortable tests, horrid procedures, putting your life on hold, debt and never having any time or money or energy. And all for what?”

Loneliness can be so damaging, and not just for those of us facing serious illnesses. My hope is that we don’t continue on the unhealthy path of foregoing real human connections. They are truly what make life worth living.

If you know a single cancer survivor who might want to take the survey, send them here.

Citations

Eight Weeks to Optimum Health (1997), Random House, Andrew Weil, M.D.

Love & Survival: Eight Pathways to Intimacy and Health (1998), Harper-Collins, Dean Ornish, M.D.