Relationship

The past few months have opened my eyes to so many patterns in my romantic relationships that have held me back for years. Through reading, seminars, courses and coaching, I have begun to see the myriad of ways that I keep myself from experiencing true connection and love. What a gift it has been to recognize these patterns, so I can begin breaking them.

Control vs. Surrender

Ask anyone who knows me and I’m sure they’ll tell you I like to be in control, and believe it or not, I was totally unconscious of this until recently. I think all of us have control issues to some extent, but I really didn’t know how far mine extended and how much it affected my relationships. Wanting to be in control is one way that we unconsciously try to protect ourselves. This can manifest as controlling your emotions, what your dates are like (where you go, what you eat, how it will all play out and when they will take place), and perhaps even planning out the entire relationship. Have you ever thought about  what kind of cake you’ll have at your wedding before the second date?

While I don’t think I was quite that bad, I see now how my need for control held me back from allowing myself to be vulnerable. Being open and sharing is key to intimacy, and I complained constantly about the lack of intimacy in my relationships – always blaming the men for not being more open, of course. I can see now that I wasn’t very open in a true sense either, always putting my best face forward, and not sharing my fears and failures. (See more on this below in the vulnerability and authenticity section.)

We not only try to control ourselves, but our partners as well. We see all the things they are doing “wrong,” and genuinely want to help them. When we point out these issues and offer “advice” though, we come off as nags, and send the message that our guy isn’t good enough. This does not make for good romance.  

Laura Doyle shares in her book The Surrendered Single, what we all already know if we just think about it for a minute. Our guys want us to be happy. They will do quite a bit to insure our happiness. We don’t have to manipulate or control to get what we want. We just have to ASK. Why is this so hard? Men have been lamenting for years that they can’t in fact, read our minds. We get upset when they don’t do what we want – no wonder they’re frustrated – how about we just try asking.

Independence

Have you ever heard that men need to be needed? I’m guessing you have. This has been a big one for me to really get. I have male friends who would rather I call them than a plumber when I have a problem with my toilet or sink. This is so difficult for me to understand. I feel like a total burden when asking for help with stuff around the house, and don’t feel as if I can ask my friends, especially if I haven’t seen them for a while. They, on the other hand, love to help out whether it’s a ride to the airport or help with the dripping sink in the bathroom, and are usually not just available to do so, but thrilled to be able to be helpful. Wow!

I am now recognizing how my independent, “I can do it myself” attitude occurs for men, whether they are strangers or friends. They want to help and when they offer and I don’t accept they are actually emasculated. Really?!  Since realizing this, I am super conscious of accepting offers of help from men. It doesn’t mean they see me as weak and incapable of doing it myself, as I might have previously misunderstood. Put that heavy bag in the overhead for me, sure. Carry that box to the car, absolutely!

Independence is one of my strong suits – practices I use to get me through difficult times in my life. Adopting an independent attitude has served me well for many years in a variety of ways, but it has not helped in the romance department.  If men need to be needed and I don’t need any help, thank you very much, then where does that leave me? You guessed it. Sitting home alone on Saturday night.  

Giving & Receiving

Ok, this is another imbalance that has left me scratching my head for years. I am a super giving person and a two on the Enneagram. That means I will often put others’ needs before my own. This should make me the best girlfriend in the world, right? Hmmm. . . maybe not.

Turns out being a good receiver is pretty important too, and receiving is a feminine trait. Think about the physicality of sex for a moment: men give and women receive. Aha! Except I was always giving and actively deflecting receiving because of my personality type, independent streak and unwillingness to ask for help. Yikes! This obviously didn’t bode well for male/female relations.

Does this mean I shouldn’t ever give anything in a relationship? Of course not. I just have to maintain a balance and allow myself to receive more, while also perhaps giving a bit less. Giving to get people to like us is manipulative and controlling (remember what we talked about above?), even if it is unconscious. Look at the motivations behind your giving.  Are they selfless or is there an ulterior motive?

Vulnerability & Authenticity

We all think putting our best face forward it necessary in most parts of our lives. Think about the job interview, online dating profile and resume. We don’t mention our weaknesses, fears or flaws in these arenas. An ex-boyfriend even said to me once when I was showing him the scars on my stomach from multiple cancer surgeries, “Don’t point out your flaws.” He may be right that I didn’t need to point them out as if something was wrong with me, but it is ok to talk about how you feel about these things. In fact, it’s refreshing.

We all have weaknesses, vulnerabilities and things of which we are ashamed. Opening up about them gives others permission to do the same, and creates a new level of intimacy that probably wouldn’t have been possible otherwise. This is what relating to each other is all about. And relating to someone else in a deeper way is what makes a relationship.

I once led in my online dating profile with the fact that I was a total klutz. I used the phrase, “I could trip on a pattern in the carpeting.” My friend advised me to change it because, as she said, “People will find out about your shortcomings soon enough. You don’t have to point them out.” I got so many responses to that profile as men wrote to tell me about their quirks too. Numerous klutzes were drawn to tell me about how they had cut themselves shaving that morning, or tripped crossing the stage at their high school graduation. It gave us something to relate to about each other right off the bat.

We look at others and get intimidated by the fact that they are so successful or good-looking or wealthy, and we use that status to put them on a pedestal and assume they are somehow better than us. The truth is that each of those people likely once struggled, lost a job or important relationship, had zits or went bankrupt. Hearing about those struggles helps us better relate to them.

I learned in a relationship seminar once that sharing that which you are most afraid to share can open doors to the deepest levels of intimacy, so I asked someone I was seeing if he would share something he was ashamed of, and promised I would do the same. He said, “I already shared it last week.” Wow! I was thrilled that he felt comfortable enough to open up to me in that way, and I shared something that had previously been very difficult for me to admit.

Rather than react in alarm and disgust as I had imagined he and others in my life might upon learning this, he was sympathetic and even helpful in so many ways. He has since sent me tools, resources and provided support as I work through my issue. The same thing happened when I shared this confession with my mom – the person I was most ashamed of sharing it with.

This experience was incredible, and so eye-opening. It makes me sad to think that for years I lived my life being so ashamed of something that I was unwilling to share it with those who loved me the most, and that doing so was the key to deeper more meaningful relationships with those who are important to me.

What are you trying to control in your relationships? How could you surrender instead?

What traits do you have that keep you separate from others?

What could you share that you are most ashamed of?

Learning to Receive: A Single Cell

It was only recently that I recognized how many masculine traits I have. From driving hard, doing, doing, doing and being fiercely independent, to wanting to maintain control and being purpose-driven. I have never thought of receptivity as a particularly female trait. Considering the nurturing nature of women I viewed giving as more feminine. A recent course I took on Feminine Power, helped me recognize the feminine traits of internal focus, emotion and relatedness – all of which I have in spades; and the being over doing, surrendering and love-driven traits that are not so present in me.

Receiving stood out, however, as something I don’t do well. From compliments, to help, to prosperity, I tend to deflect more than accept. I’m not sure where this began - as a small child likely. I can almost see myself, curly blond hair, age 3, stomping my foot and saying defiantly, “I can do it myself.”

It’s not clear whether I ever believed asking for help denoted weakness. There have certainly been times in my career that I’ve been lazy and asked others for answers I could have easily found myself. Asking was quicker and more efficient. I also craved recognition for my accomplishments. I didn’t need awards or honors (though I did receive some), but a pat on the back for a job well done. Defensiveness was a wall I hid behind whenever anyone criticized me, or my work. It was never my fault.

I think I also come off as demanding in work settings because asking feels uncomfortable, so my requests appear more as commands. I remember working at Girl Scout Camp, supervising a staff of two, and saying, “you be in charge of this,” and “you be in charge of that.” I didn’t ask or request, because, yes, now that I think about it, that definitely feels like a weaker position. What if they said, “no?” Where would I be then?

I have always prided myself on being independent and self-sufficient. When I received a new TV for Christmas one year and faced the task of getting it into my house after driving it 8-hours from Kentucky to Wisconsin, where I lived at the time, I chose to carry it by inches rather than asking someone to help. First, I hefted it out of the car. Then I carried it four feet and set it down. Another four feet. Then another. And another. Up the front steps, one at a time. Then up the inside stairs, one at a time. It probably took me 45 minutes to get it into the house fully, and I’m sure the temperatures were frigid as well. Why did I put myself through that? Because being independent was easier than asking for help?

Recently, I’ve come to understand that wasn’t the case at all. Feelings of worthlessness masqueraded as independence. Intellectually, this was a difficult one for me to wrap my head around for a really long time. I KNEW I wasn’t worthless. I KNEW I was valuable and valued. I KNEW I was worthy of receiving help from others (and love, and admiration and kindness). The worthiness issues were buried deep inside of me, as they are for many, many people in our society. So deeply, we don’t even recognize them ourselves.

In the vein of everything happening for a reason, a few things happened to force me to learn to ask for help, and it was only then that I began to see the underlying feelings that had kept me “independent” for so long. First, I broke my ankle on a ski trip to Lake Tahoe, which forced me onto crutches and into a cast on my right leg. It was winter in Colorado. I lived on the second floor with outside stairs. I couldn’t drive. Daily life became an endurance sport. I couldn’t even make a cup of tea and carry it across the room, much less cook easily, grocery shop, take out the garbage or any number of other simple tasks we all take for granted every day. Asking for help was a huge chore, and I did it only when I absolutely had to.

Looking back at that difficult three months, I recognize that it taught me how to ask in order to survive the next big challenge five years later when I was diagnosed with cancer. I definitely couldn’t have made it through two surgeries and six rounds of chemo without strong support, and asking was much easier the second time around when I could actually articulate what I needed both physically, and this time around, emotionally more so as well.

It was only through a great deal of transformational work that I have finally begun to really recognize how my own worthiness issues manifest. I tend to give WAY more than I receive, and recently realized the seeds of this in my feeling that people would only like me if I was helpful and giving. I didn’t feel that just being me and showing up was enough. So if I had to give to be liked, I sure as hell wasn’t going to ASK for anything. Then I would really be a burden on people!

Finally, it is my ever-present financial issues that have really helped me recognize the ways I practically repel money by working for less than I am worth, failing to take responsibility for cash flow and manifesting problems such as car trouble, illness and household breakages with big price-tags. Don’t worry, I also manifest abundance right when I need it and in amazing ways in the form of refund checks I wasn’t expecting, financial gifts, gift cards, and bonuses at exactly the right time. I am learning to believe I’m worthy of more and ask for it in many areas of my life, and will continue to do so.

WOW! That’s a lot of personal history to share. So now that I have had all these aha moments and transformational breakthroughs, what am I doing about it? Well, I’m glad you asked. Here are some things I am practicing in order to learn to receive:

· I keep a receiving journal to record all the things I receive each day.

· I practice gratitude for all that I have, and have posted “gratitudes” as my Facebook status for a few weeks now.

· I visualize what I desire in my life without worrying about “how” I might receive them – knowing that thoughts become things (Mike Dooley, TUT.com).

· I consciously ask for help at least twice a day whenever possible.

· I break patterns whenever possible, doing things that I haven’t done or said before – this brings new energy and connections.

· I am also planning to write a book about this practice, and where it gets me, because I believe undervaluing ourselves is a fairly universal experience.

I request that you share your own worthiness issues, breakdowns, breakthroughs, realizations and struggles with me in the comments section, or privately through asinglecell@gmail.com

Loneliness

Most of the time I am very satisfied, even ecstatic, about my life as an independent, single woman. My lifestyle allows me to do the things I want to do when I want to do them. If I feel like staying in bed all day on a cold, rainy Sunday afternoon reading a book, I can do it. When I want to jump in my car or hop on a plane for a fun weekend get-away, only my budget might prevent me. There are no demands from a partner or children that get in the way of my needs. I feel lucky to live in a time and culture that allows me the freedom to live independently, and I make the most of that freedom to live the kind of life that I want to live.

Ninety-five percent of the time, I am completely happy with my life. However, the five-percent can be really difficult, because there are those times when no one relishes being alone – when the toilet overflows, the car breaks down or when you get sick. I also tend to feel really alone during either times of great celebration or mourning – usually on a large scale: Princess Diana’s death, 9/11, when my candidate wins an election or the beginning of a new year. These are times you want to share with others.

Whenever I read a Jane Austen book, or watch a movie about a different period in history, I am often thankful to live when I do, in a time when women don’t have to marry in order to gain protection and financial security, when I am free to work, dress and live how I choose. I also see the drawbacks of modern-day culture as well. As technological advances allow us more virtual connectedness – playing chess with someone in China or teleconferencing with business associates around the globe – it can also sap meaningful face-to-face connections.

I was recently with a group of friends at brunch and looked up to see most of the people around the table furiously using their smart phones rather than engaging the group in front of them. I admit to loving my iPhone for allowing me instant access to all kinds of great information and entertainment, but it drives me crazy when updating people in the virtual world takes priority over the warm-blooded human being sitting in front of you.

As more of us choose to live independently because our finances allow it, remaining single longer, divorcing more readily and having fewer children is becoming more and more common. These trends are also causing more isolation than at any time in human history. Primitive cultures forced people to live and work together in order to survive. I wonder about the emotional cost of our modern culture, and what physical outcomes can arise from loneliness and disconnection.

Dr. Dean Ornish (1998) stated at the beginning of his book Love & Survival: “Our survival depends on the healing power of love, intimacy, and relationships. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. As individuals. As communities. As a culture. Perhaps even as a species.” (p. 1) Dr. Andrew Weil (1997) also postulates about the communal nature of human beings meant to live in families, tribes, and communities, and says that when we lack those connections, we suffer.

Perhaps loneliness and lack of connection can actually contribute to poor health. It certainly is difficult to be alone when we are sick. Whether it’s a sore throat, the flu or cancer, not having someone at hand to take care of us when we’re not well is a big fat bummer. I have long been interested in supporting single folks who are dealing with cancer. While there are a multitude of resources for cancer patients, there is nothing specifically for those of us going through it alone, and that number seems to be rising as cancer strikes at younger ages, while many of us put off marriage until later.

I recently conducted a survey of single cancer survivors to gauge the needs of this audience. Mostly the results weren’t surprising; the issues you would expect floated to the top: dating anxiety, body image, loneliness, fertility problems and a desire for more support.

One man said, “I still struggle with what to tell anybody I meet, especially women I’m romantically interested in, about my medical history. I had a scar revision to replace my original thyroidectomy scar that looked like something on Frankenstein’s monster. Even though the new scar is fading, I’m still conscious of it everyday, and I make sure it’s covered up by whatever shirt I wear.”

More than 75% of respondents reported that connections with other cancer patients who were like them were the most helpful during treatment and afterward. It’s not as lonely when you can share with others who have gone through it or are in the same boat.

The stories that were shared broke my heart, and rang true to my own feelings in many cases as well. Many single survivors feel like damaged goods with their weird scars and other bodily impacts of cancer, loss of fertility in many cases, and sometimes crushing debt. Single people might already feel as if their status were based upon being flawed in some way, and cancer certainly multiplies that feeling. “Who would choose to be with someone who might not live that long or can’t have kids,” we think?

One woman shared, “I am now five years out and finally beginning to feel normal again, but in five years, I have not been on one date. I want to get married. I want a boyfriend. I just want to go on a date. But for now, I am a 42-year-old spinster who got breast cancer at age 37, lost her chance for children, and has yet to meet the man of my dreams.”

Some report serious financial issues or lack of health insurance, and having to move back in with their parents for help, and a significant number shared how overwhelmed they felt having to make so many huge decisions on their own.

One woman said, “I often don’t feel I have much to live and fight for. So many times you hear people battling cancer say things like, ‘If it weren’t for wanting to be with my spouse, I don’t know how I could have done it all.’ Or people want to survive to be there for their children. If my life ended, it wouldn’t really be a big deal to anyone but my mom, so motivation is pretty hard to come by when you’re faced with side effects, stress, anxiety, bad news, uncomfortable tests, horrid procedures, putting your life on hold, debt and never having any time or money or energy. And all for what?”

Loneliness can be so damaging, and not just for those of us facing serious illnesses. My hope is that we don’t continue on the unhealthy path of foregoing real human connections. They are truly what make life worth living.

If you know a single cancer survivor who might want to take the survey, send them here.

Citations

Eight Weeks to Optimum Health (1997), Random House, Andrew Weil, M.D.

Love & Survival: Eight Pathways to Intimacy and Health (1998), Harper-Collins, Dean Ornish, M.D.