Intimacy: A Single Cell

I got your attention with that title, didn’t I? Notice how intimacy has become a code word for sex in our society? Yes, it can refer to what we do in the bedroom, but what I am talking about is the more traditional definition: “a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of.”

True intimacy comes from allowing yourself to be vulnerable, opening up and sharing what you are going through. We often hide our feelings because we are ashamed of them, feel needy if we express them, or think that we are the only people who feel this way. It is only by opening up to someone else authentically that we can really connect.

Yes, anyone can read our Facebook status and know what we are up to, but we rarely post what we are really FEELING. I’m not knocking the value of social media for sharing information and keeping in touch, but it is not a tool that promotes intimacy. I can post this column on my Facebook page, and give readers a deeper insight into my thoughts and feelings, but true intimacy doesn’t come through a computer screen or a text message. The feelings are much too complicated and personal to be effectively expressed through those mediums.

Intimacy requires you to take a risk, and allow yourself to share what you are feeling. Have you ever had this thought: I want to call my friend, but I haven’t talked to her in a while, and I am calling now because I am struggling. I can’t call just to dump my problems on her again. I should wait until I’m feeling happier? Here’s a tip for you – that is precisely when you should reach out to someone in your life. Friends are not just there for the good times, and they want to be allowed in when we are going through something difficult. That is what true intimacy is.

A friend disclosed to me once that she had been avoiding being in touch because, “I am your funny friend. The one who makes you laugh, and lightens the mood, and I just haven’t been feeling that way lately.” I was surprised at how strong my reaction was to this. I was actually angry that she had shut me out when she was going through something difficult and needed me the most. Once she was open about what was going on, it made it easier for me to share my struggles, and we had one of the deepest and most meaningful conversations we had ever had. That wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t been able to share her fears and insecurities.

So often in life we put on a happy face, push down our real feelings and wear a mask that hides from the outside world (and even those closest to us) what is really going on. Every time we do this, we miss an opportunity to truly connect with another human being. Perhaps the most surprising thing about vulnerability is that it rarely goes unreciprocated. When we open up about something in our lives that is causing us pain, it gives others permission to do the same.

Think about all the times you have felt a certain way, but felt scared to express it for whatever reason. So instead, you make an assumption about what is really going on, you beat yourself up for your role, or more likely, you make someone else wrong for “making you” feel this way. Sometimes we don’t share because we think that what we have to say will hurt someone’s feelings, or make them angry or push them away. But when we share authentically, without blame or judgment, we instead open up an opportunity for a deeper connection.

How much better would our relationships be if instead of suppressing our feelings or morphing them into something else – most anger comes from a place of hurt – we just shared them in the moment, with as much clarity and vulnerability as we could?

Instead of exploding in anger and blaming someone else for not calling when they said they would, imagine yourself saying, “I was really hurt that you didn’t call yesterday. Even though our plans were vague, we had agreed to spend the day together, and I am sad that we missed out on that time with each other.” Feel like weakness to “let someone off the hook” in this way? Think for a minute about what your response to a statement like the one above might be.

Then consider what your comeback would look like if you had heard this instead. “You are such a jerk! We had plans yesterday, and you totally blew me off! Did you think I had nothing better to do than sit around and wait for you? I can’t even believe I am with you. You are so insensitive.”

Both statements come from the same feelings, but the first is more authentic and feels WAY scarier because it comes from a place of vulnerability. The second masquerades as coming from a place of strength, which feels safer to us. One puts the other person on the defensive, creating distance, while the other allows an opening for not just a more civil discussion, but a more productive one.

Human nature is to “protect ourselves,” through saving face, wearing the mask and playing strong. It takes far more courage and strength to allow ourselves to be vulnerable by expressing what we are really feeling. Practice it the next time you find yourself in a situation like this. Once you see what happens when you respond differently, you will be hooked because of the results you create. I wrote a few months ago about love and survival, and the role that real connection plays in our health and well-being. It is only through allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable that we can create the kind of deep connection we crave.

Circumstances: A Single Cell

Circumstances have little impact on how we live our lives, and yet we attribute so much power to them. We think that by changing our job, our location, our weight, or even our hair we will open up all new possibilities in our lives. Or conversely, we get into a car accident, get dumped, divorced or fired, and we feel as if it’s the end of the world. Buddhist philosophy teaches that good and bad things don’t happen to us, but rather we put those labels onto the events in our lives and treat them as one or the other.

Win the lottery = good. Get cancer = bad. Even though these “events” can precipitate either or both positive and negative consequences. Many lottery winners end up broke or in debt a few short years after their windfall, and we all know cancer survivors who say their diagnosis was the best thing that ever happened to them (I am one of them).

"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand," said Randy Pausch, the now famous college professor who used his terminal pancreatic cancer diagnosis to teach others to really achieve their childhood dreams through his Last Lecture, which was also published as a book. While many of us would look at Randy’s life, and his three young children and shake our heads at the tragedy of it all, Randy himself focused on living, and his humor and intelligence in the face of death has inspired millions.

I am learning that circumstances don’t have to play any role whatsoever in how we feel because whatever is happening now will change soon anyway. Rising above current circumstances can have an amazingly transformative effect on our lives. It is not so much the circumstances themselves that impact how we feel, but rather the story we tell ourselves about them. Of course we are going to react immediately to whatever the situation is, but after the initial shock wears off, we have the opportunity to choose how we frame it.

For a long time, I lived with the story I’d concocted about why I was single. I told myself it must be because something was wrong with me, that I was unlovable or unworthy of a lasting relationship. Getting cancer and then having a hysterectomy piled even more evidence on because now I was also “damaged goods” and had even less chance of finding someone who would love me.

On the flip side, I recently lost a significant amount of weight due to a new diet I have adopted because of a cancer recurrence. I look and feel better than I ever have in my life. I have enormous energy, and I get a lot of compliments. However, going from a size 12 to a size 6 hasn’t significantly altered the external circumstances of my life, no matter how many years I spent telling myself that life would be so much different if only I could lose 30 pounds.

Now, I have let both stories go, knowing that it wasn’t the circumstances of my weight or my single status that was affecting my life, but rather the story I was telling myself about both and so many other things too. Keep in mind that these “stories” were subtle, playing in the background of my beliefs. They were rarely conscious and obvious in my daily life. That is why these records can play for years and impact all of our interactions in life – because we don’t notice them.

The stories in our lives were initially developed as a survival mechanism. Something happened that made us feel uncomfortable (or worse) and we made up a story about it in order to get through the pain, and unconsciously to try to avoid the same “mistake” again. Thus are beliefs cemented in our psyches and allowed to play there unnoticed, but affecting everything in our lives for years to come. The stories themselves aren’t good or bad either – they are simply a part of being human. However, they can limit our ability to live our lives as fully as we are capable of, and they can also make us miserable if we let them.

I have recently come across a tool to help release the limiting beliefs and stories that we all carry around with us. It is called by different names: EFT – Emotional Freedom Techniques or tapping most commonly. It involves physically tapping on different points on your head and chest in order to release the stories that may be holding you back or causing pain. The tapping points correspond with energy meridians in the body – similar to acupuncture, reiki or other ancient Chinese healing tools.

However, while counseling or techniques can be helpful in speeding the process along, you don’t need them to release your limiting beliefs. Sometimes a simple awareness of them is enough to help you begin the process of letting them go. So just start paying attention. What do you say to yourself when you eat half a chocolate cake in one sitting? Find yourself for the thousandth time in debt? Get in a fight with your parents? Lose your favorite pair of earrings?

Start to listen to what you tell yourself, and you will be amazed at how often it is negative and unaffirming. I have often said that I say things to myself I would never allow anyone else to say to me. Most of life is lived between the ears. Our thoughts constitute most of our consciousness, and while there is nothing wrong with positive thinking and daily affirmations, they might not make much difference if your underlying story is telling you something completely different about yourself.

Comfort

Mashed potatoes and gravy, roast beef, hot chocolate, warm homemade cookies and milk, macaroni and cheese, hot fudge sundaes and Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls . . . these are a few of my favorite comfort foods. Maybe some of them are also yours, or maybe you would add different ones to the list. They are those forms of sustenance that play a larger role; not just nourishing our bodies, but soothing our souls when things aren’t exactly right.

Things weren’t exactly right for me this past fall. In September I was diagnosed with a recurrence of ovarian cancer. I spent much of that month recovering from a hysterectomy and experiencing the side effects of having a lot fewer hormones coursing through my body . . . mood swings, fatigue, hot flashes, etc. I was also emotionally fraught trying to come to terms with the fact that though I had fought cancer and won four short years ago, another battle was looming.

It is not the diagnosis so much as the treatment that causes so much dread in the heart of a cancer patient. I watch pharmaceutical ads on television that are required to state the long list of side effects – incontinence, depression, suicidal thoughts, night sweats, kidney problems, etc. etc. – and I wonder WHO would ever want to take these drugs? I have been through chemotherapy once, and I wasn’t eager to do it again. Though I tolerated the side effects well, it was still a miserable four months for me, and it took my hair more than a year to regain a somewhat normal state.

This time though, I was mostly concerned about the long-term effects – the stuff they don’t necessarily tell you about unless you are savvy enough to ask. My savvy has been increased by friends who are experiencing secondary cancers that are a result of the TREATMENT from their primary cancer. WHAT? Chemo and radiation can actually cause cancer? When you hear the C word and you are scared, you will do whatever you’re told to rid your body of the ravaging monster of disease. But once you’ve already been down that path, and you know what it holds, the second time around can cause you to question things more.

My questioning has led me to an alternative treatment plan this time. In some ways, this path has been MUCH easier than the first time. From outside appearances nothing really seems wrong. I look normal, feel really good and can function pretty much as I did before the diagnosis. Internally though, this time around has been somewhat harder. Emotional issues have distracted me from my normally productive frame of mind. I just haven’t felt as on top of things as I usually do.

I tried to be gentle with myself this fall as I adjusted to the lifestyle changes that are part of my alternative treatment plan, but I am my own worst critic, and it is sometimes difficult to turn off the voice that says I should be getting more done, should be more relaxed, should be less stressed. A wise friend told me years ago not to “should on” myself. That’s great advice, but not always so easy to follow.

I know that stress isn’t good for me, and most of the time I feel as if I’m controlling it pretty well, but no matter how many hours I log on my yoga mat, in meditation or soaking in a hot bath, worries about money or health insurance or future career paths or finding a soul mate manage to creep in. I know I can do a better job of accepting that where I am right now is perfect, and that the universe will support me in whatever I choose to do. Not only the universe, but those closer to home are supporting me as well. So many have been so great as I transition to a mostly vegan diet and give up sugar, white flour, meat, dairy and most processed foods.

Support is all around me from friends, family, colleagues and even total strangers. I am in a much better place than I would have been without all the support I continue to receive. However, support is very different from comfort, and I just haven’t felt very comforted. They say life disturbs the comfortable and comforts the disturbed. Perhaps I have been just too comfortable lately, and the universe is trying to shake things up a bit for me.

Maybe part of my discomfort is the fact that I’ve given up those foods listed above and can’t turn to them any longer when the going gets rough. I’m sure the fact that I live alone and don’t have someone here to hug me and talk to me about things on a daily basis probably plays a role. My mom came to stay with me for a week after my surgery, and she was so incredibly helpful cooking and cleaning and being with me for appointments and surgery itself, but comfort and nurturing and talking about feelings aren’t her strong suit. I am so appreciative of all she has done for me, but sometimes I just wish she would put her arms around me and tell me everything is going to be ok.

I love to travel, and I’m called to do it quite often for work, but lately, I’m much more appreciative of the comforts of home. With the new diet, even eating out can be a drag with my menu options reduced to 1-3 items typically. Full-on travel now requires a great deal more planning ahead than it used to depending upon where I’m going. I often have to take snacks with me, and be super-conscious of what, where and when I’m going to eat. Previously, I was the least picky eater ever, and would literally eat almost anything, but now, that reception food often doesn’t work for me, and neither does waiting to eat until all the meetings and events are over around 10 p.m. at conferences. I can’t even imagine trying to translate a menu from a foreign language into a meal option for me. It’s hard enough in English to weed out those things that don’t fit.

I’m sure in time it will get easier and become second nature to eat this way. That is happening already to some extent. For now, though, it’s easier to be home, to cook for myself, and to know what is in that sauce. Not only that, but I’m enjoying it. I never particularly liked to cook, but now I do. It doesn’t really make sense to me, but there it is. It feels good to know that I’m eating healthy, and it’s fun to discover new exotic foods and recipes and try them out. You might even say it’s comforting.

We all need comfort in our lives. I still have hot tea – a huge source of comfort and warmth for me, especially in the winter. I am also grateful for the energy work and massage that I receive on a somewhat regular basis, and I am truly thankful for all the friends and family members who have told me they love me a little more often the past several months. I also appreciate down comforters, crackling fires in the fireplace and walks in the sunshine. Maybe if I pile enough of those up, after a while, I will feel comforted in a deeper way than a big bowl of macaroni and cheese could ever accomplish, though I did recently find a recipe for vegan mac and cheese, so who knows . . . I might be able to have some of those comfort foods after all.

Health

Three months after being diagnosed with cancer for the second time, I am healthier than I’ve ever been. Though it seems a bit strange, cancer has once again been the catalyst for some amazing changes in my life. I don’t need to continue having this “teacher” in my life (thank you very much for the lessons, but you have overstayed your welcome), but I can appreciate the upside nonetheless.

Though I was a dutiful patient the first time around, following the prescribed “standard of care,” and completing six rounds of chemotherapy, the benefit of four years and lots of good reading led me down a different path this time. I chose not to put more toxic (and cancer-causing) chemicals into my body, and I’m following a natural healing path instead. That’s right! Did you know that chemo and radiation, standard cancer treatments, can actually cause secondary cancers down the road? I didn’t until recently.

I am grateful to authors like Hollie Quinn, Kris Carr, and Andrew Weil for helping me see a different possibility for myself, and I’m grateful for fantastic researchers like David Servan-Schreiber, and T. Colin Campbell for providing great information in their books, and for my naturopath and oncologist for being enthusiastic and supportive of my choice.

Cancer is rising at a dramatic rate, and more and more young people are being diagnosed every year. No doubt, it is because of the toxic soup we drink, breathe, and eat every day, the chemicals and artificial colors and fragrances in our personal-care products and our general environment. Flame retardant, pesticides, and weed killer aren’t just tough on fire, bugs, and weeds! Despite supposed increases in survival rates with conventional therapies, the books have been cooked. Touted success stories are based on a five-year survival rate. And even those rates haven’t increased dramatically, and not for most cancers. Five years! I don’t know about you, but five years ain’t much to my way of thinking.

My treatment plan consists of a healthy whole food, vegan diet, some natural supplements to balance out my hormones and ph levels, juicing veggies and drinking protein smoothies, controlling my stress through meditation and yoga, and getting moderate amounts of exercise at least three to four times a week. Dean Ornish has been using this type of holistic plan on patients with heart disease for years, and turns out it can help cancer patients as well. Sure it took a big C wake-up call for me to change my ways, but this lifestyle is healthy for anyone, and recommended if you want to avoid serious health issues in the first place.

Want to know the biggest surprise of all? It has been way easier than I anticipated. For four years since my first diagnosis, I have been aware of the tremendous health benefits of this type of lifestyle, but I wrote it off as impractical. I decided I couldn’t do it before I even tried! Now that I’m actually doing it, I can report two things for sure: 1. It does take some adjustment and time to figure out how to live this way and 2. It is absolutely possible for anyone to do it. The big-time upside is that I look and feel great. My skin is amazing, I’ve lost twenty pounds, I have more energy, my fingernails are three times stronger, and I just feel good.

I was so worried about all the things I would have to “give up,” in order to be healthy. Dairy? Really is it that bad for you? After reading The China Study, I now have no doubt. No more ice cream or cheese? I have found great dairy-free ice cream alternatives (made with coconut), and haven’t missed cheese nearly as much as I thought I would, though I admit to cheating a few times on that one (though with just a small serving each time). I have been really shocked that I don’t seem to crave the bad things very often. I just made it through the holiday season, complete with my mom’s fantastic Christmas cookies, and while I did have a few of them, and some organic free-range turkey too, I didn’t need huge helpings of former favorites to feel satisfied. There were times I decided to give myself a treat—pumpkin pie or a frosted gingerbread man, and decided I didn’t want them after all, sometimes after a single bite or just a longing gaze.

A bit more challenging has been figuring out what to eat instead of the former convenient fare I would grab or nuke. The biggest assist in this quest came from my sister’s awesome menu planning/shopping list. Plan a week’s worth of meals and shop for just what I need rather than just throwing a bunch of stuff in the cart and figuring it out later? (And throwing lots of food away after it spoiled from sitting in the fridge too long.) What a concept! We also put together a great binder full of yummy veggie recipes that I turn to regularly, along with some fave websites, for inspiration.

I have never been a great cook, and I didn’t particularly enjoy it. Cooking for one has been a challenge for me, and I would get tired of the leftovers long before they were gone. In addition to the ease of giving up the bad stuff, I have been surprised by how much I’ve enjoyed my new lifestyle. I don’t dread meal planning, shopping and food prep anymore. I kind of like it. Perhaps it’s the simplicity of a whole foods diet. I mostly shop in the produce section now and don’t have to tool around the whole store for tons of items or processed ingredients because I rarely use them now. And I don’t make complicated sauces and numerous dishes now—just a mix of good fresh veggies either cooked or raw that typically go together pretty quickly. Steaming takes just minutes and my meals are generally ready much sooner without so many elements to time just right so everything is done at once.

I know, I know, we are a nation on the go, in love with our convenience and fast-food options, and happy to pop a pill to cure our ills rather than change our lifestyle. I have zero interest in trying to convince anyone else to eat this way, but I have been amazed at the fascination and questions people have about this diet. I was drawn to a healthier way of life before cancer forced my hand as well, but don’t think I ever would have pursued it without a significant motivation. Now that I feel so great and am not enduring round two of toxic chemicals causing hair loss, nausea, body aches and other maladies (the cure is worse than the disease), I am pretty dang happy with my choice. I’ve included a lots of links to resources that helped guide me in case you’re interested. If you’re not, that’s perfectly fine too.

Love and Survival

Since my recurrence of ovarian cancer in mid-September, I have been doing a great deal of reading about what I could do to eradicate the cancer once and for all from my life. The studies on diet and exercise were not surprising, and I have radically changed my diet over the past three weeks. However, the importance of emotional well being and social support have been very enlightening. The title of this column is the same as a book by Dean Ornish about this very topic. He cites numerous studies about the key role played by family, friends, spouses and social connections such as church/synagogue or other community associations in fighting illness.

It turns out that being single can be a predictor of shorter survival times and an increased chance of recurrence. And the studies don’t just relate to cancer patients, in fact, Ornish’s work is primarily with heart disease, but the findings suggest that even the common cold can be better protected against with quality social networks and interaction. When we hear the term “social networks” today, we think of tools like Facebook and Twitter. Ornish wrote his book before these networks were available, but he does suggest that virtual relationships are not as meaningful as real face-to-face ones. Sometimes modern society can make us feel connected when we really aren’t.

The most striking study was conducted by Dr. David Spiegel and colleagues at Stanford in 1989. Published in the British journal The Lancet, they studied women with metastatic breast cancer. Spiegel initially set out to prove that social connection DID NOT have an impact on survival. Participants in the study were divided into two groups – both of which received the same conventional treatments such as chemotherapy, radiation and surgery. One group also met together for 90 minutes each week over the course of a year to talk about the impact of the disease on their lives. They became comfortable enough to share their feelings openly, including fears of disfigurement, abandonment and even death.

Five years later, Dr. Spiegel reviewed the data and was shocked to discover that women in the support group lived on average twice as long as the control group, and all of the women in the group without support were dead. Dr. Spiegel wrote the book Living Beyond Limits about the extraordinary findings of this study. Other studies have shown that support groups as short as six weeks long have had similar outcomes for the people who attended regularly. Each study controlled for diet, exercise, family history and other factors that typically impact disease and found significant advantages to social connection even beyond these other factors.

So, does that mean that those of us who are single are doomed to get sick more often and die sooner than our married or partnered friends? Absolutely not! In fact, marriages with problems – a great deal of disagreement or stress – have been shown to produce negative effects as well. As evidenced above, support can come in many forms: a close network of friends with whom you can share your fears, or even a support group of other people who understand what you are going through, a close family, strong ties to a religious or other community and a willingness to be vulnerable enough to truly open yourself up to others. That last factor is perhaps the most difficult for many of us, and yet, the most important to truly offer authentic connection. It isn’t the quantity of support that matters, but the quality!

Other factors that have been proven to influence healing and well being:
Roommates or living with family
Pets
Touch – massage, reiki or just holding the hand of a friend
Community involvement, service
Yoga and meditation (or other relaxation techniques)

If you are single and battling cancer or some other illness, connecting with the people in your life, or finding new sources of support, may be the most important thing you can do for yourself. Ask for what you need. Whether it’s talking on the phone more regularly, going out for a walk, sharing coffee once a week, visiting or hosting a friend or sibling for a weekend, joining a support group, participating in group meditation or yoga classes, serving others directly, or any number of other things you can do to connect with the world around you.

Experiencing this again has been incredibly difficult for me. Being told you have cancer the first time is shocking. You know your life has changed, and you are scared and uncertain about the future. Hearing you have cancer AGAIN, can be devastating. You know what to expect in some regards, how difficult it will be, and how much time it will take from your normal activities. It can feel like a betrayal of sorts. You have been there, done that, and thought it was in the past.

This recurrence has reinforced for me, how very important it is to provide a source of support for single people who are experiencing serious illness or injury. A new organization and support network, Solo Survivors, is in the works, though it may be a bit slower in gearing up given my own personal challenges at the moment. This dream started because I wanted to help others who were going it alone, but now I will get to figure out how to help myself in order to serve others. “We cannot hold a torch to light another’s path without brightening our own.,” as Ben Sweetland so aptly stated.

Power: A Single Cell

My birth number suggests power and abundance as two dominant traits in my life. Really? I have never felt especially powerful or abundant in the traditional sense, but lately, I’ve been examining these terms in non-traditional ways and discovered that I have quite a bit of both.

I have an abundance of friends. Truly I am so fortunate to continue to meet amazing people who support me so well when the going gets tough, in addition to celebrating the good times with me. I am blessed with good friends, near and far. I also have an abundance of freedom. I work from home for a non-profit that I founded, and can organize my days and months the way I see fit. I can go to a yoga class at 10 a.m. or the middle of the afternoon if I like or take a week off to visit my family. I can work when and how I like – from anywhere. There is a still a tremendous amount that needs to be done each day as the only employee of this organization, but I can do it when and how I like from a coffee shop or Timbuktu (not that I’ve been there).

Money has never been especially prominent or abundant in my life, but I am discovering that I have other types of abundance that make up for that in the form of friends who are willing to share their talents with me for free – guitar lessons, massages, coaching and healing sessions, time in their vacation homes. He is truly rich who has good friends.

Power has often seemed like an undesirable trait to me because so often those who have it abuse it for their own gain and to the detriment of others. To want to be powerful is thus seen as perhaps not an entirely wholesome thing for this reason. However, I have embraced my birth trait of power in the sense that I would like to have the power to help people, to inspire and to make a difference. I recently recognized that I am powerful in other ways as well when my subconscious intervened to bring to light some new cancerous nodules growing in my abdomen.

Since finishing treatment for ovarian cancer about four years ago, I have had regular follow ups with my oncologist which included CT scans and blood tests to watch for signs of recurrence. The visits had gone from every three months for the first two years to every six the last year and a half. When I saw him in February, my doctor decided we would stop doing CT scans since there had been no sign of trouble, and he was reluctant to continue exposing me to radiation unnecessarily (which has been proven to cause cancer).

My gynecologist is the one who originally diagnosed me after removing what we had thought was a benign cyst on my right ovary. We were all surprised when it turned out to be a rare form of ovarian cancer. She was comfortable with stopping the CT scans, but wanted to replace them with ultrasounds so that we could still get a look at anything that might pop up in there. I had my first one in April and got the all clear. The next one was scheduled for six months later – October.

This is where things get a little wacky. I had orders on my desk to schedule my six month follow up with my oncologist in August, and also for my October ultrasound, but when I went to schedule my doctor appointment, my brain told me that I needed to have the diagnostic test BEFORE that appointment, so I called the hospital and scheduled the US for early July. I have had enough mammograms, ultrasounds and all manner of diagnostic testing by now to know that I need to take the orders from my doctor with me when I show up at the hospital for the tests. They also remind you when they call to pre-register you a few days before.

Nonetheless, I showed up for my ultrasound on July 8th without the written orders. If I had taken them and the nurse who checked me in had asked for them, as she was supposed to do, she would have quickly seen that they said October and would have sent me packing. As it went down, it wasn’t until the technician was about to take me back that she said she couldn’t perform the test without my orders, and I realized I had forgotten them. Did I have time to go home and get them? Should I reschedule? “No,” she said. “You’re here now. I’ll just call your gynecologist’s office and have them fax them over.” They rewrote the orders for July and faxed them right over, and I got the test.

I knew immediately that something was wrong when the technician asked me to get dressed and hang around for a moment while she shared the tests with the radiologist to see if he needed anything else. They don’t do that when there is nothing to see – something was in there. This feeling was confirmed the following evening when I was sitting in the park reading and my gynecologist called to ask why I had gotten an ultrasound three months early (that was the first time I realized I had), and to tell me thank goodness I did because three small nodules were showing up that were cause for concern.

This call came after 5 p.m. on a Friday evening of my first weekend at home with no plans in months. I was looking forward to relaxing, reading, catching up with friends and taking it easy. My doctor told me NOT to sit around worrying about this all weekend, and I vowed not to, but it was tough. The initial shock of thinking the cancer might be back was tremendous. I immediately called a friend I had just spoken to and my voice broke as I left her a message about what was going on. Then I took some deep breaths, calmed down and went back to my book.

Luckily, the next afternoon, I had a meeting with my coach who reminded me that I could worry about this for the next month until I saw my oncologist, but it would only make me miserable. He was right, and from that moment, I literally put it out of my mind, and refused to let it weigh on me. For two months, between this test and my surgery, which confirmed the cancer was indeed back, I carried this knowledge with me and DID NOT let it impact my emotions. Now that is POWER! A friend recently bought me Michael J Fox’s latest book A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Future (which I highly recommend). In it, he offers this advice: “Never imagine the worst case scenario. It almost never comes true, and in the event that it does, you’ve lived through it TWICE.” We can’t control what happens to us in life, but we have 100% power over how we respond to it.

Next month: Here we go again. More about my treatment, challenges and triumphs this time around.

I Don't Have Time for Cancer

Perhaps the most common reaction when faced with a cancer diagnosis is fear for your life, and I certainly had that, at least initially. I was lucky though, and was diagnosed early – stage II – so I never really thought that I might die. What bothered me most about cancer was the interruption to my life.

At the time of my diagnosis, I was the CEO of a small company, a whitewater canoe guide and an active volunteer with several different organizations. Just days before Memorial Day in 2006, I was told I had ovarian cancer, and I was immediately annoyed that I would have to be recovering from surgery and starting chemo during the fantastic Colorado summer! I labeled 2006 my “lost summer” as a result.

After four years guiding whitewater canoe trips on western rivers, I had just been handed my dream schedule with three trips on river sections I hadn’t done before. I was so looking forward to paddling the Dolores with its excellent rapids, the Colorado River above Moab and the famed five-day stretch of the Green River into Canyonlands National Park in Utah. I had never gotten that great a canoe schedule before, and I haven’t since. The only trip I got to do that summer was the guide trip three weeks before I was diagnosed. I still haven’t paddled the Dolores either!

As if that weren’t bad enough, I had just booked a trip to Alaska for the week after Memorial Day. Plane tickets had been purchased and reservations made for an adventure in Juneau three years in the making. It ended up being my one-year cancerversary celebration the following summer instead! I had been scheduled to present at two conferences, and had reservations at Mesa Verde – still one of the few national parks in the region I haven’t yet made it to.

I recognize my good fortune at having the luxury of annoyance rather than the fear of death. All things considered, I would take that again any day. But for a busy person like me with barely a free moment in my schedule to begin with, having to give up precious time in the mountains or on the river to sit in a chemo room, or lie on the couch recovering from surgery when the sun was shining was really trying.

I very much resented cancer’s interruption of my life, and the time required to fight the disease. . .time away from work that was important to me, traveling (which I love), and outdoor activities that feed my soul. It also cost me quite a bit of money – about $8,000 all told in doctor co-pays, prescription drugs and insurance deductibles. I would have put that money to such good use on awesome adventures if I hadn’t given it to cancer!

Four years later, summer is nearly over, and I just returned from the canoe trip for single survivors that I have been planning for the past five months. This weekend, 14 people joined us from across the country to embark on a three-day adventure on the Colorado River. Since I have been talking about providing services for the single survivor crowd for three years, this is a BIG deal for me – the start of something new and exciting! It was a big deal for them too. The trip was so rewarding and fun for us all. Here are just a few of the comments from the weekend:

“Thanks for four of the best days of my life. It’s been a LONG time since I’ve felt joy and at peace, and this weekend I felt both. Also, I feel hopeful again and inspired to get out there and really live. Thank you SOOO much!”

“I just wanted to say thank you for this weekend. It was something I really needed and came at the right time. I’m sure everyone on the trip had the best time of their lives, and you touched more lives than you can imagine - not just those attending, but those who are their friends, their family… etc. It’s quite amazing to see the change in people and you were the catalyst for that change. It was an honor to be a part of this event and I can’t thank you enough….”

The response has been tremendous, and we have a great database of people who are interested in future activities, even if three days camping on the river isn’t exactly their cup of tea or their schedule wouldn’t allow then to participate this time. We raised enough money to cover trip expenses above and beyond those generous organizations like Centennial Canoe Outfitters and Marmot who donated gear, Greek101 who donated t-shirts, and giving individuals who donated cash or frequent flier miles to provide travel scholarships. We couldn’t have done it without the non-profit sponsorship of Tamika & Friends, a rockstar planning committee, and river guides willing to donate their time and energy. Denver’s 9News did a feature story on the trip two weeks prior that generated local interest and added a few participants to the roster as well.

This entire experience has given me a feeling of profound gratitude for all of the amazing individuals who have contributed to making this trip happen, and created the foundation for a new organization to serve single survivors (Solo Survivors? Looking for a good name for the new venture – if you have ideas, email asinglecell@gmail.com - would like for it to emphasize connection and relationship rather than alone-ness). If you are a single cancer survivor, and would like to be added to the mailing list for future events, please let us know.

Even if you are sick and tired of the hot weather and mosquitoes wherever you are, enjoy these last few weeks of summer. Get outside and do something fun. It will be cold before we know it, so appreciate the season and share it with friends.